Tangled ...

Sunday 23rd January 2011

6:06pm" All those days watching from the windows ... All those years outside looking in ... All that time never even knowing ... Just how blind I've been ... Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight ... Now I'm here, suddenly I see ... Standing here, it's all so clear ... I'm where I'm meant to be ... And at last I see the light ... And it's like the fog has lifted ... And at last I see the light ... And it's like the sky is new ... And it's warm and real and bright ... And the world has somehow shifted ... All at once everything looks different ... Now that I see you"

Many people have told me that there is a film out there which you can relate your life to. I believed a song could do that but never an entire film. However, I sat in the ODEON cinema in my pink bridesmaid dress and what this film show what my life has been like over the past few years. I felt as though I was the character, stuck in a tower unable to break free from the anorexia. The minute I heard this song I cried, not because the film was sad, but because for once words seemed to be making sense.

When the fog lifts from something as evil as an eating disorder, life seems to be like a dream. However, although I may have decided to make the steps into recovery in 2009, it wasn't until 2010 that things seemed to be slipping in to place. I remember being able to feel emotions again other than just sad. I think the past 6 months have brought me emotions I was too scared to allow back into me due to the fear of people thinking I was better than what I really was.

So this poor lost princess is locked away in a tower because of an evil which, no prince charming is needed to reassure her it is simply just her on determination which will allow her to be free, and this will allow the rest of her life to change one step at a time. My determination was there to beat my anorexia and when I found the strength and determination to keep on going my life slowly slotted into place. I realised that being in college was in fact not the best solution, I work from home on that front and dedicate my time to WDP, the big part of my life which is keeping me independent and it keeps me on the correct road to recovery.

Mum has been amazing and could again link her to the queen in the castle with the king crying as their daughter had gone and although they wanted her back their didn't seem much hope.

However, of course there is a happy ending, there has to be, one it's a Disney film and two I refuse my years of battling with anorexia beat me and stop my recovery not when for once I feel my life is worth living and people actually want me around.

The princess of course falls in love and wonders if this is what life should be like. Fears fade away and hope starts to run through her veins and positive thoughts finally are able to battle and beat the negative thoughts about the world, herself and everything around her.

The timing of this film for me is appropriate, maybe by some weird coincidence, who knows - but when you have something perfect you don't want to let it go and yet you worry it will leave you. For once I know I'm living in reality, I pinch myself far to often as I half expect to wake up in Hollins Park when I stop pinching. Tomorrow I've been "courting" (as Jayne would say) Tom for 6 months. I've surprised myself! I thought within a couple of weeks I'd have scared him off, however I've reached somewhere I've wanted to. I've stopped setting myself big massive goals and just little ones. I was determined to become more open about things, which gradually I've done. Life changes each day and Tom has become a big part of mine. Having someone around who didn't know me when I was ill is actually really helpful, he sees things which would normally have not phased me. I know self harm is not the way to resolve issues but it's helped. Doing it was normal I coped, people excepted that, but Tom wouldn't, not because he's horrible but he knew if no one said self harm wasn't the way no matter how much better it is to what it used to be I would never stop ... he knew as well as I did I wanted to. I think it's different coming from someone outside the family, mum had begged me to stop. I knew she hated it but it didn't matter.

So this could possibly be it, my tangled complicated life could possibly become untangled and my anorexia just a story, a memory something which I can talk to others about the dangers of what can happen. I know I have demons to face and prejudice ahead but allowing myself to speak up allows me to gain the confidence to carry on.

So thanks to all the people who have got me to this point, to me sitting here able to realise how much my life is changing for the best ... so mum, dad, phillip, tom, jayne, beany, wdp and everyone else.

Meeting Tom has made me realise how much I do deserve to be happy, it's like what I wanted what mum promised me when we were told I had 48hrs to live. She told me life would be worth fighting for, I would find me once again Rachael in all the layers was going to come back. I would do something amazing and help others and find the boyfriend I had always wanted, who I could see a future with. For once the past 6 months my determination to recover is paying off and my anorexia is not getting in the way of me being happy!

I tell mum and dad often enough how much their support has helped, but there is also two other people over the past 6 months who have made a massive and positive difference to who I am. Jayne and Graham have helped me a lot more than I could have ever possible imagined. I've heard a few people not like their boyfriend parents but I think I get on with them too well! Comes to something when you know what they drink and feel comfortable to rob a sofa for the evening! Having that support outside your own parents is really nice and I think that's what the transition process from the anorexia controlling me to me controlling the anorexia so much easier. I may have had to leave people behind during my Journey so far but allowing people in is so nice, my circle of trust is getting bigger but it's comfortable.

So here's to another good 6 months
Love
Rach
x x x x x x

princess to be ...

Wednesday 19th February 2011
7:21pm

This winter has by far been one of the best. Although it may not be my favourite season to see, it was livable. I was diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder in about september, which I don't really think is true but who knows, depression normally sounds better when it has a proper name, more clinical for the 'professionals'.

So we're 19 days into 2011, and it seems weird! I want 2011 to be as good as or better than 2010, but as good as will do. The past few weeks have been manic, but for once I've coped. I've not restricted my food intake or taken things out on myself. For once I've talked to people about how I'm feeling, so okay the stress tears have been there and my Jayne hugs in work have been needed but I got through and the best thing of all I carried on eating and didn't self harm! Coming home was good too =] welcomed with big hugs from mum and a chat to talk about my day and the way in which I could gain the weight back over christmas which I had lost mainly due to stress.

Coming back to work knowing a routine was there in place was really nice, I could feel the hectic holiday period finally ending and a nice set routine was coming back into place. I could start to plan my days properly again and plus get prepared for talks and events in schools. Been given more responsibility is really good plus it makes me think more and also makes me realise when I need to just chill out and walk off for a wander for a cuppa or diet coke =]

The driving lessons have started up again so I'm hoping I can finish them properly this time! without starting to feel ill again and worrying about everything!

Appointment have been going well and I will look forward to march when my medication can hopefully be reduced =] tom came with me to both this month which was helpful and also a change, normally mum comes along and kicks ass! lol!!

So WDP have their tangled event on Sunday at the Odeon - can't wait! Can't wait to put on my pink dress and be a princess for the day! - Its gone really well, Alan has done him self proud selling them all =] so looks like me and alan are going to be dressed up all pretty sitting in the cinema - although I hope that I can fit in the cinema seats with this dress!! that may be a challenge!!

x x x x x x x x x x

flying with out wings

Tuesday 11th January 2011
08:22am

Flying without wings used to mean something so different to me while I was struggling to deal with my thoughts - it was more to do with the day I finally managed to end everything and could be free from any baggage which surrounded me. However, today it means something much more positive and I enjoy the fact I am looking at things in a happier way.

Flying without wings, shows now how much my life has changed since I took the massive step to recovery. I am able to do things without the fear of what may happen, take risks and enjoy taking them.

Growing up and turning into a proper adult - hitting 20, is somethings which I have longed for over the past few years, which could be seen as strange considering most anorexics want to go back to been children with the security or staying as a child depending of how old they are. I've always wanted to be an adult. I hate been looked at as a child, even at 19 I still don't believe at times I'm treated as the adult I want to be, mainly because of the 'teen' at the end. The last couple of my 'teen' years have been good, but turning 20 is the one thing I will look forward to this year.

I've read a few articles recently, one I posted on facebook earlier. About how words from family members, mainly mothers can affect how a child can view themselves and how this can lead to the road of self destruction for the daughter. However, my mum always told me to love my self, always reassured me that I was beautiful and not to worry about what I viewed as my faults as I still had growing to do and I would grow and I would develop the shape I desired to have. Mum always made sure that she filled me with confidence, however while she was doing that at home at school my confidence was bee ripped to pieces. I was reminded day in and day out how ugly and fat I was, how I was just a cling on to my friends and so mum's hard work at home was being ignored and I listened to the incentive idiots at school as I believed this was the truth. They didn't like me so they would say exactly what they thought.

I think the hard thing for mum now is watching me finally live my life. It's the time we both dreamt of, and that time is here. I love mum millions and she still reassures me that I'm beautiful and not to let people get to me. I am really sensitive to what people say, and do take it really personally. I'm always worried that I'm doing the wrong things or upsetting people without meaning to, as I know how words can hurt and change the direction of where your life is going. My mum is always there for me to go to have a cry and she will always be a major part of my life, we've made promises about the future which I will keep as having mum is major parts of my life is so important and always will be.

I've not self harmed for a few months now which is actually really good for me! I've made promises to people that I will try not to do it and I'm keeping to it. Not just for them but for me too. I don't want scares all over my arm when I get married or have to tell my children why my arms are a mess, not that I'm embarrassed by them I just don't want to be constantly reminded of the years of depression and self hatred I went through. I want my children to speak to me rather than hurt themselves, just like my mum wanted me to do with her.

So I intend to keep on flying without wings, but having the support to keep me flying. I have my appointment later for my depression, and I hope the consultant can actually see that there is an improvement with how I am. I no longer want to end my life, I want to live for as long as possible with the people I care so much for by my side.

With love
Rach
x

Kenneth Tong - Managed Anorexia = Bullshit!

Sunday 9th January 2011
3:29pm

Well you have all probably noticed the mention of Big Brother's Kenneth Tong on facebook or twitter. Why? This complete idiot is basically saying that anorexia can be managed and is fine to have, just like having an extra nipple!

Anorexia cannot be managed, it is a horrible illness to have. No matter how much you think you are in control, you're really not. I spent years believing I was managing my anorexia, and I know now how stupid that really is to have honestly believed. My anorexia nearly took my life and has taken lives of males and females for generations.

The line "nothing taste better as skinny feels" is just complete crap! I wasted my teenage years bowing down to the voice in my head. Now that I am able to eat without that voice (well most of the time) I can see that food actually isn't this evil thing, it's the eating disorder.

What he doesn't understand is how he will be affecting the lives of so many people. People have tweeted to say that their friends who are anorexic have actually stopped eating due to his tweets. He will end up killing someone, and I hope he gets done for it and it makes him realise what the crap coming out of his mouth is actually doing.

What he doesn't realise is that no professional will ever agree with him, medics will just laugh at him. The amount of people who hospitals see each year due to eating disorders is shocking, it does take control of you.

Anorexia is a medical diagnose. If you are anorexic you are ill! This goes off mind frame and normally weight for anorexia, questionnaires are given out and filled in constantly.

This small minded man is leading vulnerable males and females into self hating and not been able to love who they are - inside and out.

Gaining weight for me is scary and probably will be for a long time, but that's part of recovery. I do media work and blogs for this reason to try and prevent people going down the long dark road of eating disorders. Being a size 0 isn't healthy unless you are naturally like that - there are some people who are and that has to be accepted. However, when you go past the size 0 mark, what happens then? Wearing children's clothes of baggy clothes with belts is not nice, your self conscious. I remember having a set of school pants for an 11 year old, so the fear of the label coming out or been seen was not nice. There is a time with the illness when you want people to know that you're a size 0 or whatever but then it gets embarrassing, how can you possible say you're overweight when you're in children's clothes at the age of 15 or older?

Kenneth Tong needs to see what anorexia actually does to everyone involved not just the person with the ED but also the family and friends around them.

Life improves when you are ready to start battling the eating disorder, I have energy, I have a boyfriend, I can create relationships I a lot easier, I do not have as many health problems and I can finally appreciate what I have around me.

I do not want anorexia to be my identity - I want Rachael to be the identity, I don't want to be Tom's girlfriend who has anorexia, I want to be Rachael, Tom's girlfriend. I am getting there and I refuse for people such as Kenneth Tong to start walking me back down the path into the dark and unable to see the light.

I hope that those who read this will help to keep on raising awareness around anorexia and fighting the people who think the illness is a good thing, I thought I was going to lose one of my friends at the beginning of last year and advice for Kenneth Tong be careful, you will at some point regret what you are saying and how you are influencing not just young people but the entire population!

bad dreams ...

Tuesday 4th January 2011

08:25am

Waking up and realising that your worst fear was just a bad dream is a relief, but it still gets you thinking and wondering.

Last night I dreamt that I had gained an excessive amount of weight, I woke myself crying in disgust but also shouting for Tom, to help me 'cut off the weight' - so why the sudden constant thoughts about weight, simply because I've had to think a lot about it recently, even more that usual.

Over Christmas I lost a lot of weight and now I have to face the demons in my head and regain that weight. This is to ensure that I do not carry on with the downward spiral and spend another part of my life in and out of units. No matter how much you think I will gain the weight and keep it on, it doesn't really happen. I've done well to last this long and the weight I am - safe enough to be at home but still classed as 'underweight' according to the BMI chart, however when I look in the mirror I see the bad dream which I had come to life.

While in Blackpool I realised I was thin but I put it down to a different mirror as it wasn't my own. Tom seemed relieved that I had noticed but when I came home reality hit and my mirror stood there waiting to mock my thoughts and beliefs which I had worked hard at during Blackpool. I know what you're thinking, get rid of the mirror, but really it's not an option, everyone has a mirror it's a 'normal' thing to have, and I have to learn to face my fears one day at a time.

I really want to this year finally reduce the daily torture of weighing myself. I have the help of a lot of people, not 'professionals' but my friends and family and importantly Tom. I know I can do it, but it will take time. I'm worried that my bad dream will become a reality but I know it's all in the mind.

Weight is a funny thing, it controls a lot of people's lives. Even those who don't have eating disorders. People seem to be obsessed with diets - getting to that target number as it will make them happy, that number rules their life for a while and then gradually the fad disappears and they're back to the number which they are not happy with. I feel different about health eating, mainly because I prefer the word, health eating includes everything in moderation of course. Healthy eating is done without thinking really, you do a bit of exercise and things seem to get better and the weight loss sticks because a healthy eating plan is easier to stick too and you can do it without thinking and not having to worry about points and red/green days or what ever else is around now!!

I understand people are different, but it does annoy me when people say an eating disorder is a diet gone wrong, it's not at all. There is a deeper route course to it, the intention at the beginning is not to lose weight - you just find a way to control the life which seems out of control and needs straightening out, sadly that control becomes life threatening for many people.

I do these blogs for exactly this reason. I can to think about any strange thought which are swimming round my head, but I also get to educate people and give you the insight into the mind of a anorexic, I may be on my journey to recovery but I still have things I need to keep on battling. These blogs help me lots and I love it when people comment and tell me they are reading them, making a difference to people's thoughts maybe ignorance on eating disorders is what I want to challenge, and I will keep on challenging people's thoughts for as long as I need to.

love and hugs

Rach

xxxxx

So here we are 2011 ...

Sunday 2nd January 2011

08:32am

So here it is, 2011, the year I have been waiting for, why? Because I can finally leave my teenage years behind and turn 20 without having to think I've wasted my teens with my desire to be the best anorexic, I can now feel more like an adult and move on and so when the 9th August comes I will be one happy lady!!

This year I have more things to look forward to!! At the end of January me and Tom have been going out for 6 months - although that may not seem a lot to those who have been in relationships for a while this is a massive thing for me, the thought of been able to stick through things and not try and run away is really good and I love the fact that I have Tom to keep me going!! February will be the "Talking Eating Disorders" conference which I am now well enough to speak at ... I hope to be driving legally by April and to also have a photo of me actually eating at some point later in the year, the one thing which scares me!! July will bring the 1st year of me working at Warrington Disability Partnership (the longest I have ever worked for without relapsing!!) the 20th Disability Awareness Day and also time to celebrate me putting up with Tom for a year!! August will be my 20th and I will be counting down the days, people will say I'm wishing my life away but I'm not, honestly, October will be Tom's 21st - so saving has started already then the end of the year will be in sight with the hope that 2012 will be another fantastic year!

The last few months of 2010 have been amazing, and I've loved every minute of it. My parents have noticed the dramatic change over the past few months, but really I have one place to thank for it!! Warrington Disability Partnership, as I really don't think I would be in the position of finally realising I deserve a life, college was starting to go down hill and that is normally the sign that things are going backwards, however along with mum and dad, WDP gave me the strength which I needed to keep on plodding on, and it's helped. Finding a purpose in life is something which I've been looking for for a while and I'm glad I've found it.

My mum, dad and younger brother have looked after me so well the past few years, keeping me going, putting up with my anorexic fits but more importantly kept me alive and kept telling me that life would get better, I would learn to be in control of my anorexia properly and be able to lead a 'normal' everyday life. Despite the petty falling out, but they needed to happen as I missed out on a proper 'teenage tantrum' mum has stuck by me 110% if not more. She loves the fact that I'm moving on and finally able to help others have the voice to speak up and say enough is enough. I suppose in that way I do take after mum, the loud mouths but to make sure that it makes a positive difference to the scary world of mental health. Dad is just dad, think he'll always be the same, laid back without a care in the world!! Then our Phillip, he's just the same as dad and I'm surprised he hasn't fallen over backwards!!

I have another family to thank really for allowing me to come in and plonk myself right in the middle of them all!! Jayne, Beany, James, Tom and of course Zelda!! From about August, I think I've 'entertained' them with my ability to fit in!! I feel like I have two homes which is nice as finally my second one is not a flipping hospital or unit but in fact with a proper family. Tom knows how much he has changed things, I think I tell him enough but the fact we both see a future is really nice as it proves I have nothing to fear, I just know that I have to keep myself well in order to achieve this. Jayne and Beany, I think are the first people I have actually trusted straight away in a long time (of course Tom as well) I always feel welcome which is probably why I keep going back and sitting on MY SOFA!! Again they to know how much I think of them as they have the occasional sloppy text off me but also a Jayne hug ALWAYS helps me get through a bad day. James has now jumped on board and found the confidence to also pick on me just like the rest of the family, but I can't complain to much really!!!

I hope that 2011 is a good year not just for me but also the people I care about, you have all made me the person that I am today. We have proved the 'professionals' wrong, I am still alive despite the doubts by a lot of them and I have also realised that anorexia is not my life - it may be my past and my present for a while but I'm determined to let it finally leave me and look forward to a happy future, a future which I once gave up on. So thank you to everyone who has/is keeping me well!!

Lots of Love to a positive and happy 2011

Rach

x x x x x x x