... 2010 coming to an end already ...

Friday 24th December 2010

Christmas Eve

10:04 pm

I can't believe that I'm sitting here actually awaiting for tomorrow. I've found my purpose once again for wanting to enjoy Christmas - Tom! Being able to go out and buy him a present and spoil him was lovely =] I enjoyed every minute, and for once appreciated life.

Although tomorrow, I will not be tucking into a Christmas Dinner, I will be able to appreciate being well and sitting down in the morning with the three other main people in my life. My mum, dad and little brother! I know you're all wondering why I'm not eating Christmas Dinner, I'm well right? That meal is just one in which I struggle to actually do - it's accepted in my house now, I suppose after 5 years you do have to get used to it, but I'd rather not eat it and feel like I can enjoy the day than to eat and fill myself up with guilt and be a complete cow all day. In time I reckon I will be able to do it but at the moment, it can be for the Christmas when I know it will stay down and I will appreciate the time and effort which has gone into making the meal and the extra special effort for my delightful vegetarian option!! I see the ones before Christmas as a roast dinner, I suppose I have to but that is how things go.

My family always make sure I at least enjoy the morning, and take my mind off the rest of the day. Making Christmas work is what works for us now, although I feel guilty been unable to appreciate what mum cooks - she knows that I only don't have a christmas meal for my own 'safety' i suppose and I love her so much for accepting all the circumstances around how I cope through the day.

Tomorrow the actually day should be interesting, I'm spending it with tom at pam and dave's with the rest of his family and for once I won't be counting down the hours till I get to go home - I just hope I don't do my party trick and fall asleep after a few drinks!!!!!!!

I wish you all a merry christmas, for those of you who may have family and friends or are the individual in hospital - especially those who may be in with an eating disorder or other mental health issue, I really do hope you find the light to get better and work towards having the life in which you all really do deserve. That little voice in your head is just that a voice, you as a person are much more powerful allow yourself to find the strength to get better, it will happen, it does happen. I may still be on my journey but I tell you what it is so so worth it!! Professionals gave up all hope in me but my family kept me strong and I found a purpose and refuse to let it go.

To ALL the girls I met through my journey through units, I hope that you have a lovely christmas and a magical 2011, I miss you all lots and think about you often, although I may be doing other things with my life you all still play a massive part in my life.

Love to you all

x x x x x x x x x

... blackpool 2010 - I'm afraid Tom your title is not here!! ...

Sunday 19th DEcemeber 2010
6:58pm

I'm sat here in the bond hotel not believing what is happening - my life has changed and the thought of what will happen no longer scares me. Although my life seems to be moving so quickly these past few days in blackpool have been the funniest few days I have had in a long time. I've got drunk and not worried about calories, been filmed drinking and acting like a prat to the cheesy but entertaining music at the bond hotel.

A few people had told me I wouldn't enjoy it, but this break is exactly what I have needed, it is something which has been crying out for a long time ... but why? I have finally found people outside my own family who don't just see me as the 'anorexic' for once I'm Tom's girlfriend and I love it. People only have to be told if they have to. When I'm asked how I got involved with WDP especially been 'young' I'm more than willing to share my story - nothing to do with attention but simply because it raises awareness of the amount of evil hung over me for 6 years and still sometimes plays a horrible role in my life.

Not bringing my scales away with me, although hard I have managed to get my mind into thinking well I'm doing a lot of walking, and I can feel the guilt slowly sweeping away. Yesterday was a hard day, and it was noticed - much to my disappointment to my dismay, weirdly I was missing my scales and the urge to make myself sick was so high but I plowed through with a lot of help from everyone here.

Not only has Tom been a life saver this weekend but so has everyone else. I was worried about getting drunk - since I'm such a light weight but apparently I've entertained everyone here - including an embarrising film of my dancing like a prat, but also thanking Jayne for giving birth to Tom as he makes me happy - yes I did get that drunk. Once alcohol made things seems better, I drank just so I could relax - no I'm not an alcoholic despite what certain people may think - I was drinking socially I just don't handle it very well!! 2 double vodkas are enough with a dash of fresh air - resulting in me falling asleep in the seating area and my knight in shining armer bringing me up to bed and putting me in my PJs!!!!! - sadly this does mean I can no longer skit him about Huddersfield and the drunken pumkin events - but it will pop up I'm sure, just as last night will!!!

Although tacky, Blackpool has brought the much needed smile and excitment needed for Christmas. I think telling rude jokes and singing the yogi bear song while downstairs has allowed me to see the less serious side of a lot of people - mind you I think I'd seen it anyway just never appreciated it much - but that's how people are at times.

So, for those who are worried about trying something new, I suggest you just go for it - I've stayed away from home with a boy lols and managed to face fears which I may not have managed for another few months if I'd not taken this amazing opportunity up - if me and tom hadn't been going out before Blackpool, we certainly would now =p

Life changes and it more often than not changes for the better - for once I'm appreciating life and taking the good with the bad. I can make jokes around my illness and allow others to do the same, although hard if I didn't laugh I wouldn't be here!!

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

you have to at times just sit and wonder

Friday 17th December 2010

3:09pm

At times I often wonder how different my life could have been if I hadn't made one of the hardest decisions of my life - to beat my anorexia. I know you're wondering how can it be hard to choose to get well, but when you believe something so evil is a close friend and the only thing you need in your life, letting is go is like loosing a member of your family. My anorexia was like the sister I never had and always wanted.

I wouldn't be sitting here now writing this if I finally decided life was worth something and making the decision to do well at life without my anorexia. This time last year, I wanted to get well but was still to scared to keep the weight on.

I sit here on the 17th December 2010 - happy =] watching tom wonder round and be a complete tool most of the time. But it's my life. I never once thought I would be in this position, I would be happy and see my future mapped out in front of me. Everyone else knew I could do it but believing it myself was not something I could believe in. The anorexia was too strong. When I'm with Tom the anorexia is weak, I feel safe and like life could get no better. Then sometimes when I'm on my ow I hear the voice ticking over in my head telling me what I should be doing - that normally isn't a positive thing.

Today, I'm off to Blackpool with some of the people from Warrington Disability Partnership - Tom and is family included =] It should be a really good weekend and one which I never want to forget about. The only thing I'm worried is not having my scales, I know sad hey - but they are my lifesaver at times. I've promised Tom that I wont take them and I'm keeping to the promise as hard as it will be. They came to London with me and I've had to leave them at home. I suppose this is the life on an anorexic, this is still my life and I have to start adjusting to what is needed - CHANGE. I know Tom can help me with it and I know I have the support of my parents and everyone else and I'm so glad that I have the support network around me that I do.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

... funny how life changes ...

Monday 13th December 2010

6:13pm

I have commented a few times about how my life has changed recently. I am starting to find out who I am - with some struggles, but coming to terms with my mental illness and the correct ways in which to deal with each individual problem, step by step.

I forget myself at times how much I can take on, without stressing and relapsing badly - so when I found the strength this week to finally be able to sit down at work and speak to Dave about how I was feeling low etc and as much as I love the Youth Club, I really need to concentrate on me and at the moment it was too much to cope with, and I'd rather have the support in the day from the people in work to get me through, it's much easier and I always have a friendly face to talk to.

This week has been a massive learning curve for me, I can't really go into detail but it was just problems which were surrounding Christmas and how I was going to deal with them. Thankfully things have been sorted, thanks to a great network of people around me. Despite the guilt I had about upsetting people, I've realised it's good to stand on my own two feet, but to also consider what else is going on around me, I need to not focus on the anorexic thoughts but to the Rachael thoughts which are swimming round my head and begging to get out!!

Each day I find something to worry about, but that worry continues into something bigger and I almost expect the worse, I try not to but it's bloody hard!

I once feared change, it was something which was bad and shouldn't happen. I hated the fact I was growing up, despite only ever wanting to be an adult. My thoughts were mixed up and everything always seemed so different, but so much has changed within a matter of months - this once would have set me back, and for once it's not and I'm happy about it.

I worked out 2 years ago I was stuck in the Priory around Christmas, I had leave for the few days which surrounded it, but it wasn't Christmas, I was home for one reason, to lose weight and to prove to people I would never be 'fixed'. However, this year I'm wanting to be home to see my family and have an experience I want to remember forever. I may not still as yet be able to have the Christmas dinner, but I'm expecting that to come in time, and I will look forward to the day, but at the moment it's still too much.

I finding that I'm having more responsibility recently, and I'm loving every minute. I was able to help sort out WDP's Secret Santa, with lots of emails, which although may have been annoying the presents got brought in and when I looked at the tree before I left to go home today I actually had the feeling of pride running straight through me, something so small, but yet I had managed to achieve the impossible!! - getting everyone to bring in a secret Santa or at least sort it out! I more a less skipped out of work!! Been able to help out with odd bits and bobs makes me feel like I'm worth something, I can help to give something back to the people who have helped me so much.

The Christmas decorations have gone up, but still at times I don't feel the connection I should do with it. As a little girl, Christmas was so exciting, helping decorate the tree, waiting for Santa to come with his magic key as he wouldn't fit down our chimney and been completely adamant that I had heard Rudolf outside my window maybe when I have my own family I will be able to find the magic of Christmas again, be able to work up a hype and make sure my own children have magical experiences over Christmas which my parents gave me and my younger brother.

I've learnt that yes things are changing, and it's a good change, I'm enjoying finding myself again and working out who I am properly. I used to be terrified of coming off my medication, but in a way I believe I'm relying on them way too much - the day it happens I hope to god I stay off them, but with the support of everyone I'm sure it will last and my recovery will become stable and the risk of relapse will get smaller and smaller. I look forward to the day that I'm not classed as a 'complex case' just someone who has a few issues, like many people - obviously I don't want to be like everyone else, that's boring - but for 'professionals' they just see what's written down on the notes which have followed me round for the past 19 years and especially the past 6! I feel like I've been branded and that is all they see, the worked up person in the consultation room showing them exactly what they want.

Speaking to Jayne this morning, I actually realised how much my life has moved on, I don't feel like I'm in competition with anyone any more. Although the thoughts of 'thinness' are still there and wanting to be lighter, I know that I can't live like that. If I lost weight I would look in, I find it hard when people still comment and say I do still look ill as I'm trying to hard and I've for once got too much to lose, I refuse to let go of what I have and who I have in my life, so when life moves on, you have to go with it - as much as you don't want to, it's important that you do.

So roll on tomorrow with the giving of the Secret Santa's, the emails will stop and the responsibility will be put on hold for another year, despite the stress of it and messing about, it has actually been a really good things to do and it's helped to keep me going.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Decision Making ...

Wednesday 1st November 2010

7:42pm

I think really that today it hit me that I really do find it difficult to make decisions by myself, for myself. For other people I could easily help them, but when it comes to me, I'm to scared in case I'm putting myself in danger and ending up back at square 1, having to claw my way back to the surface.

I know it's not healthy for other people to make decisions for me, I'm not daft, but I worry to much about what will happen, what could happen!! Change could be better if I allowed myself to be more willing to take risks without questioning myself.

So what has caused this, why the hell I am freaking out!? One word SNOW!! I love it when it falls and doesn't stick, but when it starts to stick, I start to panic, I don't like to feel locked in. I suppose that it's the fact I'd been in hospital for so long and wasn't allowed out even when I wanted to, I get worried that if I get stuck in that I'll just go back into myself, which will and cannot happen!! I think mum would be the first person to drag me out the house!!

I like it when things go well, there are no bumps in the journey - this isn't reality, there has to be bumps in the journey it's how we learn but then the decision making starts and I panic!! I think the frustration got to me more, I don't think I've cried out of frustration for a long time like I did tonight, but it helped. I was able to rationalise the situation, well okay other people were able to help me rationalise the situation but I was able to see that things don't have to be as scary as how I think they are. I get the thought of "what if?" today it was/is WHAT IF I CAN STRANDED? I was then able to come up with a story of what would happen to me while I was stranded in the snow - my mind just went away with me, as it normally does!!

I try and take things day by day, but normally this doesn't happen, I worry to much about the future and plan way ahead of time, I plan things before I should even really be thinking of them.

I am making the DECISION to change, and know in time I eventually will do, I will just most probably need a lot of help along the way!! ....

x x x x x x x x x x

December already?!

Wednesday 1st December 2010

08:41am

The 1st December normally would bring the fear back, the count down - not for Christmas but for the end of the month and for the new year to start. Although December has some nice events, my mum's birthday, which I have always enjoyed the focus is different and I love going out to get her card and present, despite it being so near Christmas and I have to think doubly hard of which present I should give her when, but all moaning aside it is something I look forward to!!

This year, seems a little bit different, in fact a lot different. Although the fear of a relapse is niggling in the back ground, I have other things which I can look forward to and make the festive month less stressful and more enjoyable.

Although Tom may be home each weekend now until he finishes uni for Christmas, I just want the Christmas break to come! Summer was amazing before he went off to Huddersfield and they made my summer so good. I think I practically adopted his house and we both found a reason to work slightly later before we started going out just so we could see each other and have a sly flirt, okay so apparently it was more obvious than I realised but never mind!! The fact I was able to get him presents for Christmas was really nice, putting thought into someone else and buying a card which was special. I not only bought presents for him but also his family!! Something which I didn't expect to be doing for another few years but his family have been to good and put up with me on their sofa and taking over a draw in the freezer with my vegetarian stuff!!

Mum, loves Christmas, which is why I always feel so guilty for wanting it over, but she always makes the house so lovely, we've managed to tone it down over the years but we've always had the real tree which takes over the entire front room and dad moans about how he can't see the T.V!!

I've missed out on Christmas from being ill, been terrified of having an advent calender just because of the calories in the chocolate but this year I've been excited about getting it!! Well I now have too =] the joys of having two families!! So my mini mouse advent calender is from the lovely Horton's and will most probably move in there at some point and my milkybar calender from my lovely parents, so I have things to look forward to, finally =] Christmas morning in my house then later on with the Horton's, it's change but I have to get it into my head that change is sometimes good.

This year things have changed, I've had to remove people from my life for my own health, I've had to learn to trust new people and I've managed to change the way at times with how I cope. If someone said to me last year when I was trying to end it all and get away from just existing, to give it another year or so, just see how good things can go it will get better, you will have more people who care about you, you will learn to trust people, you will have a boyfriend and will have welcomed 2 new families into your life (Horton's and WDP) I would have turned round and laughed in their face!! I thought my life had been planned out, I was just one of those people who just had to accept that bad things will keep on happening until I eventually manage to get out and leave it all. I knew my mum, dad and brother loved me unconditionally, I knew it deep deep down, but when your so paranoid my brain forgot to remind me. My parents reminded me how much I was loved but I wouldn't believe it, I'd caused them so much upset, was wrecking our family unit and didn't know how much more they would take!!

December will obviously bring it's trials and tribulations but I'm ready for them ......