Sunday 28th October 2012
10:16am
So it's the time of year where the clocks go back and I actually fear. I was diagnosed with SAD in 2010 and I know this is the time of year which I have to be extra careful and watch myself a lot more than usual.
To me autumn winter = big heavy winter warmer meals, and I due put this fear down to the menu change when I was an inpatient. I like being able to eat salads and butties in the winter but as an anorexic this is deemed unexceptionable and it should be high volumes of buttery mash potato with pies. Yet if I was to eat this winter warmer in the summer nothing would be said about it!
I find it hard to sleep at the best of times so the hour back and this extra hour really does nothing for me! All I can think it it's really 11:20 now and I could be doing this this and this. It's trying to get things fixed into my routine as it always seems out of sink when the clocks are messed about. However, I love losing an hour in the summer (always said I was strange!!)
I'm continuing to set up the Journey Back to Life (journeybacktolife.org.uk) and things are looking up with it. I have some great advice from people who have been in charge of business or have high links within services and so I'm determined to make this work.
The past few months haven't really been the best for me, but some positive things have crept out of the darkness but yet I still struggle to find warmth in them.
While so many people are excited for the winter I can't wait for spring to come already! My knees have started to ache (grrr) I was talking to a friend who I was an inpatient with and looking back it's all well and good saying that I wished I'd have listened but at the time I was far to ill to listen to anyone, this is just something that I have to be able to learn from and help others to realise the consequences of anorexia.
I can't wait to have a fully fledged working business/charity/ social enterprise what ever we finally decide to be but the point is what I've learnt from my journey is massive. I was given no hope at all to even been classed as in recovery I was always told I would just learn to live in my own little inpatient world with no hope of a decent life. Well i've proven all those people wrong, yes I still have bad times but I admit to them and for once I learn from them and allow myself to work out where things started to slip so I can hopefully not have to go through anything like that again.
My biggest step has recently been took by leaving something behind which was causing lots of problems and turning me back into the person I didn't recognise.
Moving forward in a positive way is scary but it's so worth it!
Rach xxxxxxxxxxx
Sunday, 28 October 2012
Saturday, 8 September 2012
Relapse is part of Recovery
Saturday 8th September 2012
12:19pm
The famous saying of "relapse is part of recovery" is making me realise that actually it is true.
I'm probably at my worst mood wise I have been for a while but it's took me until last week to openly admit that things weren't good. A doctors appointment for swollen glands led to a break down and an admittance of a new episode of self harm, most probably the worse I have done in a number of years, thankfully it's going down but for once I'm looking after it in an attempt for it not to scar.
I knew my recovery wouldn't be easy but I didn't think it would get me to this point now. In 2009 these feelings led to 2 suicide attempts, this time I've actually spoken to people and feel much better for doing so, although guilty as I hate people worrying about it, which makes no sense really.
I know there is a point where I will turn myself back around and appreciate what I have going on. I've heard all sorts of lovely news one which I can't say but that news made me cry with happy tears because it felt like a long fight had been won.
On Tuesday it was my Great Gran's 102nd birthday so I wonder did that date possibly set things off I know it's a trigger for me but I felt a bit more in control than what I did in a while.
Been whittled down to this person now makes me want to come out stronger. I have journey back to life to think about, my friends and family - I look forward to finding my way back up, I'm just releaved that I spotted it rather than letting it carry on to something which could have been much uglier.
Rach xxx
Monday, 6 August 2012
Is this serious?
Monday 6th August 2012
8:42pm
As many if you would he seen via Facebook I've made reference to the new fad diet know as the "drip diet"
Basically this involves a nasal gastric tube (NGT) being inserted via someone's nose, down their throat and into the stomach.
NGT are normally used as a last resort for many to help gain weight for example prem babies, cancer patients and from personal experience those who have an eating disorder.
However a doctor has thought up a great way of making money by selling the NGT as a way of losing weight! Starve yourself basically for 10 - 15 days and be drip fed 100 - 800 calories a day. An anorexic dream most probably in many cases however celebrities are using this new method to get into dresses and brides to be are also using it! It's shocking that weight is making such a focus.
NGT have their dangers and so does starvation in such a drastic way. My experience with it was negative min you what anorexic I hear you ask wants to be force fed anyway? I don't mean it like that I mean it tore my stomach lining, it was thought thy had punctured one of my organs and it left me with severe acid reflux worse of all I still have days I wish it was still there the ease of not having to eat and relying on a tube and a bag of fluid to most there is no appeal.
I remember begging for my NGT to be put back in when eating got tough but it's not the answer and I'm aware of that. I'm glad I can make myself eat now but the thoughts around that process are still there!
If I could live a full functioning life without eating I would but I can't I want to live and food is what helps me to do that! I've had to build a new relationship with food and learn to deal with situations like many people with anorexia may tell you it's like a new relationship with anything it's the trust factor.
I feel sorry for those who will resort to this drip diet as in a way it's creating a new generation of eating disorders. As a nation we're encouraging healthy eating but this isn't what we wanted!
You can eat crisps and chocolate but in moderation! I always tell the people I speak to that don't deprive yourselves life is way to short!
I hope you can see my point of view on this I really do!
Well back to the wolves match!
Xxxxxxx
8:42pm
As many if you would he seen via Facebook I've made reference to the new fad diet know as the "drip diet"
Basically this involves a nasal gastric tube (NGT) being inserted via someone's nose, down their throat and into the stomach.
NGT are normally used as a last resort for many to help gain weight for example prem babies, cancer patients and from personal experience those who have an eating disorder.
However a doctor has thought up a great way of making money by selling the NGT as a way of losing weight! Starve yourself basically for 10 - 15 days and be drip fed 100 - 800 calories a day. An anorexic dream most probably in many cases however celebrities are using this new method to get into dresses and brides to be are also using it! It's shocking that weight is making such a focus.
NGT have their dangers and so does starvation in such a drastic way. My experience with it was negative min you what anorexic I hear you ask wants to be force fed anyway? I don't mean it like that I mean it tore my stomach lining, it was thought thy had punctured one of my organs and it left me with severe acid reflux worse of all I still have days I wish it was still there the ease of not having to eat and relying on a tube and a bag of fluid to most there is no appeal.
I remember begging for my NGT to be put back in when eating got tough but it's not the answer and I'm aware of that. I'm glad I can make myself eat now but the thoughts around that process are still there!
If I could live a full functioning life without eating I would but I can't I want to live and food is what helps me to do that! I've had to build a new relationship with food and learn to deal with situations like many people with anorexia may tell you it's like a new relationship with anything it's the trust factor.
I feel sorry for those who will resort to this drip diet as in a way it's creating a new generation of eating disorders. As a nation we're encouraging healthy eating but this isn't what we wanted!
You can eat crisps and chocolate but in moderation! I always tell the people I speak to that don't deprive yourselves life is way to short!
I hope you can see my point of view on this I really do!
Well back to the wolves match!
Xxxxxxx
Sunday, 1 July 2012
To a very special friend ....
Sunday 1st July 2012
9:21am
On Wednesday we heard the sad news that a beloved friend had passed away. The news got to everyone at WDP, we're still in shock and I'm wondering when the news will sink in properly or of it ever will.
The last person I lost deeply close to me was my grannynanny who will be with me forever not just in my head and heart but also with the tattoo on my back. I couldn't keep my promise to her to stay well at the time but I want to be able to do Dave proud and keep up with everything.
Work became a hard place to be in due to the fact myself and Dave had been made redundant on the same day but the difference was I still had some hours while Dave was just counting down the days till he could start his business.
Dave was so special to me and so many people it still doesn't seem really. It's hard to talk about him at home as no one here knows him. I constantly feel nub and unable to talk, it's horrible!
We partied hard on Friday night on dave's memory getting in bars through the back entrance while laughing and joking about mr Connor himself. Drinks all round and dancing galore! Haha!
Me and rach stayed over at a travel lodge and had a chat the following morning. Rach knew Dave far longer than I did but we both share the same thoughts about him! (other than the selfish Bugga going before he bought us all around)
Dave you will never be forgotten, these feelings I'm hoping will move on. We all cope with death in different ways but we are all pulling together.
RIP Mr Connor! You got your wish a blog about you! This was going to happen in August when you had carried the flame! You will most probably we holding it high while you watch over us.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
9:21am
On Wednesday we heard the sad news that a beloved friend had passed away. The news got to everyone at WDP, we're still in shock and I'm wondering when the news will sink in properly or of it ever will.
The last person I lost deeply close to me was my grannynanny who will be with me forever not just in my head and heart but also with the tattoo on my back. I couldn't keep my promise to her to stay well at the time but I want to be able to do Dave proud and keep up with everything.
Work became a hard place to be in due to the fact myself and Dave had been made redundant on the same day but the difference was I still had some hours while Dave was just counting down the days till he could start his business.
Dave was so special to me and so many people it still doesn't seem really. It's hard to talk about him at home as no one here knows him. I constantly feel nub and unable to talk, it's horrible!
We partied hard on Friday night on dave's memory getting in bars through the back entrance while laughing and joking about mr Connor himself. Drinks all round and dancing galore! Haha!
Me and rach stayed over at a travel lodge and had a chat the following morning. Rach knew Dave far longer than I did but we both share the same thoughts about him! (other than the selfish Bugga going before he bought us all around)
Dave you will never be forgotten, these feelings I'm hoping will move on. We all cope with death in different ways but we are all pulling together.
RIP Mr Connor! You got your wish a blog about you! This was going to happen in August when you had carried the flame! You will most probably we holding it high while you watch over us.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thursday, 21 June 2012
What do you think when ...
Thursday 21st June 2012
7:39pm
I say self harm? Does it send a shiver down your spine and the word attention seeker pops into your head or are you a little more sympathetic?
Self harm has been a part of my life for more than I can remember but throughout the time the stigma has never seemed to change! Thankfully No Secrets is around now something which wasn't when mine began.
At the moment I'm currently struggling with my self harming due to emotions which seem to be way out of control but believe it or not self harm at the times doesn't hurt. I go into this zone but for those moments after my thoughts are on the physical pain and sorting out the cuts.
I suppose my self harm also comes through my eating. Restricting my diet again brings back a pain which I sense differently my anorexia will probably be always there some may recover fully but I personally believe I never will I will learn to manage.
If you get offered the No Secrets training then do it, it will open your eyes into our world.
Some people have a glass of wine to get over a shit day others may smoke more than usual I cut and restrict my diet. However my methods are socially still unacceptable while smoking and drinking is fine.
I've lost people because they can't bare the thought of me hurting myself and wish I would talk but in a strange way my self harm is me talking.
My starvation is often seen more socially acceptable and I do believe that's the media or journalists who think being skinny is the best thing ever. When in fact it's being happy.
Some of the most lovely people I have met in hospital but yet I much prefer them now ... I like my happy healthier friends, I like hearing that they're living life finally despite not seeing them everyday or seeing them once a hospital admission has ended but what's important is that we still contact each other on those bad days to check its okay and not a sign of worse things to come.
All I have to say is ask if you don't understand, I have mental health issues I'm not a monster.
I thank everyone who has supported me throughout my journey :)) you know I love you all xxxxxxxxxxxx
7:39pm
I say self harm? Does it send a shiver down your spine and the word attention seeker pops into your head or are you a little more sympathetic?
Self harm has been a part of my life for more than I can remember but throughout the time the stigma has never seemed to change! Thankfully No Secrets is around now something which wasn't when mine began.
At the moment I'm currently struggling with my self harming due to emotions which seem to be way out of control but believe it or not self harm at the times doesn't hurt. I go into this zone but for those moments after my thoughts are on the physical pain and sorting out the cuts.
I suppose my self harm also comes through my eating. Restricting my diet again brings back a pain which I sense differently my anorexia will probably be always there some may recover fully but I personally believe I never will I will learn to manage.
If you get offered the No Secrets training then do it, it will open your eyes into our world.
Some people have a glass of wine to get over a shit day others may smoke more than usual I cut and restrict my diet. However my methods are socially still unacceptable while smoking and drinking is fine.
I've lost people because they can't bare the thought of me hurting myself and wish I would talk but in a strange way my self harm is me talking.
My starvation is often seen more socially acceptable and I do believe that's the media or journalists who think being skinny is the best thing ever. When in fact it's being happy.
Some of the most lovely people I have met in hospital but yet I much prefer them now ... I like my happy healthier friends, I like hearing that they're living life finally despite not seeing them everyday or seeing them once a hospital admission has ended but what's important is that we still contact each other on those bad days to check its okay and not a sign of worse things to come.
All I have to say is ask if you don't understand, I have mental health issues I'm not a monster.
I thank everyone who has supported me throughout my journey :)) you know I love you all xxxxxxxxxxxx
Saturday, 2 June 2012
times of change ...
Saturday 2nd June 2012
11:33am
It's strange how you can have a few weeks of what feel like shit and then something comes along and changes your out look on life.
May was not exactly the best month, however, it made me realise that maybe things weren't as perfect as I really thought, but more importantly how I could change them.
I felt my mood drop but then it's started to lift again and I've finally started to feel like me again. My media work has picked up again and as of yesterday, journeybacktolife.co.uk is running. I've signed up onto the business program and things seem to be a bit more real, especially when my business cards arrived literally 30 minutes ago.
It was a sad moment on Thursday when I realised it was the last day of the YA project. I suppose I promised to see the project out and that's what I've done.
Anorexia as played a huge part in my life, who I am and who I have become and becoming. Having flowers bought for me the other day as a surprise was so lovely and I felt special, but special not because of my mental health!
The past few months have made part of me remember that relapse is part of recovery, I'm going to have moments when I don't want to eat or moments when I feel that the only outcome is to self harm. But I have realised I can't let it build up to what it did. Yes I hate the fact that I resorted back to cutting myself the other week, but for once I'm finally realising the reasons why, it was just like the saying "the straw that broke the camels back" everything was building up around me I felt suffocated and enclosed in my little bubble again, and that bubble for the time was keeping me safe.
I know self harm is a scary thing and something which a lot of people really don't understand the stigma attached is HUGE ... MASSIVE in fact but I'm determined to have another year, two, three, four and onwards without it being my resort to coping, but it's hard and that person who has bounced into my life I really hope they see that this is me trying - relapse is part of recovery, and I look forward to a future where anorexia may be in my life but it will be me giving other people the inspiration to move on and see that anorexia doesn't have to dominate there life. It's a horrible thing to have attached to you and yes that grip is hard to get rid of my it's worth it.
I'm not going to lie, I still have struggles with food BUT I take them in my stride, my quirky eating habits are part of me just like my other quirky ways.
There is no point in standing still and letting the world move around me, I have do move around with the world as sometimes what you want isn't always what you get but what you get might be better than what you have got.
Lets see what happens over the next few month, I suppose it can only go down or keep on going up ... I know which one I want it to be.
Rachael
xxxxx
Tuesday, 22 May 2012
On way down to London ...
Tuesday 22nd May 2012
6.28pm
So here it is the day I go Lorraine probably one of the most watched morning programs!
It's weird really I never felt this sick when I was going down to do this morning I'm guessing it was because I was going on my own and it was a whole new exciting journey!
My life now seems to dominate around the world of anorexia and body image thankfully for positive reasons now to help combat the stigma and view around those who suffer. I actually see my future working with those people who have the illness and hopefully providing hope to those who may believe there is a never a chance out of it.
My counselling course started and I'm loving it probably too much, but I don't want to be like the ones I've had in the past, the one I am currently seeing is brilliant but I'm wondering if it's because I actually want to be there?
So the past month has been pretty shocking really! I found out my YA role at WDP is going due to funding which means the young persons work I have done around disability will stop. I have agreed to finish out the talks which are already pending so not to let the schools down or as many as possibly can with the support from wdp which I know I will have.
This has led to the decisions of making a way for my own future so I'm currently looking at setting up my own venture www.journeybacktolife.co.uk I suppose it's going to be trail and error it may or may not work out but if I don't try then I'll never know and I can't keep up with this defeatist attitude (of which I was reminded today by someone extremely special to me and who I'm lucky to have in my life)
My year of no self harming came to an end with the news of my job and also because of other personal reasons but I've decided to see this as a positive and to work with it! It's no longer a dirty secret anymore I can speak to people whether they understand it or not and I have no secrets to thank for that www.nosecrets.moonfruit.com
So here I am sitting or more like squashed on a train something which I've managed to avoid since passing my driving test! Feeling sick and remembering why I'd rather not use it! I blame my OCD, at least I'm sat next to my mum and not some randomer who stinks to high heaven of piss!
On a lighter note I was told I have a nervous tic today, which has apparently resulted from my anorexia, so you can imagine the banter I've had from my dad! Also my "baby" brother celebrated his 19th birthday - he seems to have come out more normal than me!
Well I shall leave it here and hopefully you will watch Lorraine tomorrow!
Rach xxx
6.28pm
So here it is the day I go Lorraine probably one of the most watched morning programs!
It's weird really I never felt this sick when I was going down to do this morning I'm guessing it was because I was going on my own and it was a whole new exciting journey!
My life now seems to dominate around the world of anorexia and body image thankfully for positive reasons now to help combat the stigma and view around those who suffer. I actually see my future working with those people who have the illness and hopefully providing hope to those who may believe there is a never a chance out of it.
My counselling course started and I'm loving it probably too much, but I don't want to be like the ones I've had in the past, the one I am currently seeing is brilliant but I'm wondering if it's because I actually want to be there?
So the past month has been pretty shocking really! I found out my YA role at WDP is going due to funding which means the young persons work I have done around disability will stop. I have agreed to finish out the talks which are already pending so not to let the schools down or as many as possibly can with the support from wdp which I know I will have.
This has led to the decisions of making a way for my own future so I'm currently looking at setting up my own venture www.journeybacktolife.co.uk I suppose it's going to be trail and error it may or may not work out but if I don't try then I'll never know and I can't keep up with this defeatist attitude (of which I was reminded today by someone extremely special to me and who I'm lucky to have in my life)
My year of no self harming came to an end with the news of my job and also because of other personal reasons but I've decided to see this as a positive and to work with it! It's no longer a dirty secret anymore I can speak to people whether they understand it or not and I have no secrets to thank for that www.nosecrets.moonfruit.com
So here I am sitting or more like squashed on a train something which I've managed to avoid since passing my driving test! Feeling sick and remembering why I'd rather not use it! I blame my OCD, at least I'm sat next to my mum and not some randomer who stinks to high heaven of piss!
On a lighter note I was told I have a nervous tic today, which has apparently resulted from my anorexia, so you can imagine the banter I've had from my dad! Also my "baby" brother celebrated his 19th birthday - he seems to have come out more normal than me!
Well I shall leave it here and hopefully you will watch Lorraine tomorrow!
Rach xxx
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