Friday 23rd September 2011
10:03am
The best few weeks have been crazy, I don't think I've ever had so many emotions which I've had to deal with while I've been in recovery. Normally I would stop eating completely not just miss a few meals or start to self harm. It helped a lot I suppose, but recently I suppose I've learnt how to use the support around me.
I've finally realised the power of talking to my support network! A lot of people whether they want to admit it or not do not understand mental health and how important attachments are within relationships. You know what you will get of each person and understand a lot more the help which they are offer you. It maybe deemed as unhealthy to many people over the relationships I have or who I choose to talk to but trust is a major issue. I personally find it hard to get on with new people, it's the uncertainty of what they will do or how they act to my problems I may come across rude but it's something which as you get to know me why I am that way at first.
The past couple of weeks I suppose I had a bit of a role reversal which was a shock to the system, I become the therapist for a weekend. However it helped me understand how important having people around are and giving back the time which people have spent with me when I've been so low.
Having people around it so important and it's important for those who may be trapped in a system that when they finally see the light and come out the support is there despite how hard it is to admit that you have been wrong. A humans it's something which we are prone to do but the benefits come back to you. People become more open and realise what they have thought is actually wrong and simply because of the place which they were in. However, it's also important not to forget the people on the outside getting worried about those who may have been in trouble without realising, it's giving support when relief finally is able to escape and a nightmare which friends and family may have been in can make the person struggling pull through.
Anyone can experience mental health issues, it's not the weak and the vulnerable but it's also the people who may come across as strong and untouchable. It annoys me when people are stigmatised due to who they are.
I wish I could track my mood in a graph on a daily basis, it would be interesting to see when the mood dips start to hit and how I could possibly come out of them. Life is a strange thing, something which I know and probably many other know how precious it is but yet we choose to do strange things with it.
Support is important and you have to take it, even if you are really not wanting it, take it, that hug or chat or kiss on the head can make a big difference to a day.
Something to think about ....
Rach
x
Friday, 23 September 2011
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
end of august!
Tuesday 30th August 2011
9:38pm
I can't believe already it's the end of August! One day left, and September begins. With a million opportunities and probably a billion challenges! Am I ready to chase them? Too bloody right I am.
I'm finally living life independently, finding myself and trusting my own thoughts and judgements on life. I no longer allow myself to give into the thoughts and mind sets which my anorexia or others lead me in to.
August has been fab! I've finally entered my 20's and can't wait to see what it brings, hopefully not the shit which entering my teens brought me!! I went proper camping for the first time ever! It was so good. I really enjoyed it, probably too much! It was cold and wet, but I had the company of three lovely people :) The nights were ace, curled up on a camp chair watching films, drinking alcohol and talking utter crap! I have to admit I loved going to bed each night and just snuggling right into Tom. It felt so normal, and I felt so safe, which probably explained why last night my sleep was so weird as I had got used to Tom being there, but since we've been going out it's always been the same! Me and Jayne went and had our feet eaten by fish which was the strangest thing ever, it was the highlight of my weekend watching Jayne freak out over it all, if it hadn't been for Jayne amusing me I think I would have been exactly the same and my fish were about three times the size!! - then we got back and found a massive spider about four times the size of my fish in the bottom of a shopping bag, I may be vegetarian but I would have happily squished the bugga to make sure it didn't re-enter the tent and eat me in the night!
It's been hard having my Grandad in hospital the last couple of weeks, but he seems to be doing better, and me and tom are going up tomorrow to see him again - there is a possibility that he may be home on Friday, but I'm obviously worried about the impact this will have on my Nan. She is losing her sight and I really don't think the pressure will help but I'm guessing that the hospital will sort out the care which may need to follow my Grandad in order to help for the short term. I suppose it has brought a lot of the thoughts about my Great Gran back and knowing that if the worst did happen how would I cope. But fingers crossed he will be back to his usual self ASAP!! minus all the whisky!!
I would love to be able to jump to September 5th ... why? It's my Great Gran's 101st birthday on the 4th and I still miss her, probably a lot more than I should. A lot of people have told me I'm completely silly for still struggling to come to the terms with the fact that she isn't coming back, but it's days like these special ones which I find so hard. I've kept my self free that day, I don't want to be promising myself to anyone. We have a couple of events for work over that weekend but I'd rather just be able to come and go. People cope it different ways, and this is the one which I've learnt to do without resulting in injuring myself negatively.
I suppose this is how life goes! I'm so happy at the moment and just wish those people who are trying to hold me back and keep me rained in finally see this. The more people struggle to keep me back will only lose me quicker. I'm finally loving my life and love the people who are in it, and I thank all those people who are supporting me everyday. I love you all trillions!
Rach
xxx
9:38pm
I can't believe already it's the end of August! One day left, and September begins. With a million opportunities and probably a billion challenges! Am I ready to chase them? Too bloody right I am.
I'm finally living life independently, finding myself and trusting my own thoughts and judgements on life. I no longer allow myself to give into the thoughts and mind sets which my anorexia or others lead me in to.
August has been fab! I've finally entered my 20's and can't wait to see what it brings, hopefully not the shit which entering my teens brought me!! I went proper camping for the first time ever! It was so good. I really enjoyed it, probably too much! It was cold and wet, but I had the company of three lovely people :) The nights were ace, curled up on a camp chair watching films, drinking alcohol and talking utter crap! I have to admit I loved going to bed each night and just snuggling right into Tom. It felt so normal, and I felt so safe, which probably explained why last night my sleep was so weird as I had got used to Tom being there, but since we've been going out it's always been the same! Me and Jayne went and had our feet eaten by fish which was the strangest thing ever, it was the highlight of my weekend watching Jayne freak out over it all, if it hadn't been for Jayne amusing me I think I would have been exactly the same and my fish were about three times the size!! - then we got back and found a massive spider about four times the size of my fish in the bottom of a shopping bag, I may be vegetarian but I would have happily squished the bugga to make sure it didn't re-enter the tent and eat me in the night!
It's been hard having my Grandad in hospital the last couple of weeks, but he seems to be doing better, and me and tom are going up tomorrow to see him again - there is a possibility that he may be home on Friday, but I'm obviously worried about the impact this will have on my Nan. She is losing her sight and I really don't think the pressure will help but I'm guessing that the hospital will sort out the care which may need to follow my Grandad in order to help for the short term. I suppose it has brought a lot of the thoughts about my Great Gran back and knowing that if the worst did happen how would I cope. But fingers crossed he will be back to his usual self ASAP!! minus all the whisky!!
I would love to be able to jump to September 5th ... why? It's my Great Gran's 101st birthday on the 4th and I still miss her, probably a lot more than I should. A lot of people have told me I'm completely silly for still struggling to come to the terms with the fact that she isn't coming back, but it's days like these special ones which I find so hard. I've kept my self free that day, I don't want to be promising myself to anyone. We have a couple of events for work over that weekend but I'd rather just be able to come and go. People cope it different ways, and this is the one which I've learnt to do without resulting in injuring myself negatively.
I suppose this is how life goes! I'm so happy at the moment and just wish those people who are trying to hold me back and keep me rained in finally see this. The more people struggle to keep me back will only lose me quicker. I'm finally loving my life and love the people who are in it, and I thank all those people who are supporting me everyday. I love you all trillions!
Rach
xxx
Sunday, 14 August 2011
Turning 20 ...
Sunday 14th August 2011
9:43am
Finally 20!!
My birthday was great, well apart from not being able to eat at Nandos because of the riots!!
Was able to have a nice lie in and be greeted with texts and Facebook messages :) always makes me laugh when I have about 20 notifications in one log in but love it at the same time, so thanks to everyone who wished me happy birthday.
Work was great, took in cakes, our unwritten rule when it's your birthday, and they seemed to go down well, was rather gutted when I went back in to see if my favourites were left (lemon flavoured ones) and they had all gone! Thankfully I'd already allowed myself to have one, but that second one was calling me later on in the day!! I got more cards at work and some presents too :) Was great to be met in town for a quick lunch by Lou and Jayne.
Later on I went back into town with the hope to go in Nandos, however, due to the scum bags who had been looting shops around the country they had closed early along with many of the restaurants in town. Instead we went for a meal at the looking glass with Tom and my mum and dad, to be greeted with more presents and cards. My ring off Tom is lovely and I have to admit he does have good taste and is obviously seeing what I like and don't like (actually get to know me) ... Mum and dad got me a Pandora charm, well I'm guessing mum did as I'm sure Dad wouldn't know a Pandora charm if it hit him in the face!!! Got loads of other nice things too :) I love birthday's, I always have done and hope I don't become one of these people who hates the thought of turning another year older. I suppose my birthdays have extra meanings, I proved those stupid doctors wrong who said I'd have died before my 18th and given me no hope what so ever for the future.
So I've entered into a new decade and I can't wait to see what it has to throw at me, already I've been tested. I've decided that I really need to properly fight for some therapy, I've started to realise my triggers more than ever for which spiral me into my deeper episodes of depression, so I look forward to having some professional advice on how these situations, not all which can be avoided can be dealt with.
I spent my teenage years and before that constantly been thrown criticism, whether over my height, size, shape, appearance, how I spend my time, my interest, how different I am to do others (negatively) ... and god knows what else and I've had enough it turned me into the sensitive person who become severely ill with anorexia and depression. That anorexia and depression has made me see that I need to start sticking up for me, stop hiding away and caring what people think about me. It's not going to be easy but it's got to be done - sick of been treated like a bag of shit and feeling like my opinion counts for nothing. It's the whole argument over the nature / nurture debate which will be looked at again once I get that extra support, but I tell you I'm more than willing to open up now, I'm ready to share what is going on in my head and finally let my demons go! Some of my triggers I know will be hard to forget, each year on certain dates the need to want to hide myself away will be there.
So here's to a decade which is going to properly shape me, make me the strong willed person that I want to be ....
Rach
xxxxxx
9:43am
Finally 20!!
My birthday was great, well apart from not being able to eat at Nandos because of the riots!!
Was able to have a nice lie in and be greeted with texts and Facebook messages :) always makes me laugh when I have about 20 notifications in one log in but love it at the same time, so thanks to everyone who wished me happy birthday.
Work was great, took in cakes, our unwritten rule when it's your birthday, and they seemed to go down well, was rather gutted when I went back in to see if my favourites were left (lemon flavoured ones) and they had all gone! Thankfully I'd already allowed myself to have one, but that second one was calling me later on in the day!! I got more cards at work and some presents too :) Was great to be met in town for a quick lunch by Lou and Jayne.
Later on I went back into town with the hope to go in Nandos, however, due to the scum bags who had been looting shops around the country they had closed early along with many of the restaurants in town. Instead we went for a meal at the looking glass with Tom and my mum and dad, to be greeted with more presents and cards. My ring off Tom is lovely and I have to admit he does have good taste and is obviously seeing what I like and don't like (actually get to know me) ... Mum and dad got me a Pandora charm, well I'm guessing mum did as I'm sure Dad wouldn't know a Pandora charm if it hit him in the face!!! Got loads of other nice things too :) I love birthday's, I always have done and hope I don't become one of these people who hates the thought of turning another year older. I suppose my birthdays have extra meanings, I proved those stupid doctors wrong who said I'd have died before my 18th and given me no hope what so ever for the future.
So I've entered into a new decade and I can't wait to see what it has to throw at me, already I've been tested. I've decided that I really need to properly fight for some therapy, I've started to realise my triggers more than ever for which spiral me into my deeper episodes of depression, so I look forward to having some professional advice on how these situations, not all which can be avoided can be dealt with.
I spent my teenage years and before that constantly been thrown criticism, whether over my height, size, shape, appearance, how I spend my time, my interest, how different I am to do others (negatively) ... and god knows what else and I've had enough it turned me into the sensitive person who become severely ill with anorexia and depression. That anorexia and depression has made me see that I need to start sticking up for me, stop hiding away and caring what people think about me. It's not going to be easy but it's got to be done - sick of been treated like a bag of shit and feeling like my opinion counts for nothing. It's the whole argument over the nature / nurture debate which will be looked at again once I get that extra support, but I tell you I'm more than willing to open up now, I'm ready to share what is going on in my head and finally let my demons go! Some of my triggers I know will be hard to forget, each year on certain dates the need to want to hide myself away will be there.
So here's to a decade which is going to properly shape me, make me the strong willed person that I want to be ....
Rach
xxxxxx
Monday, 8 August 2011
last day of being a teen ...
Monday 8th August 2011
12:57pm
I suppose today is really an end of an era. I can finally leave my teens and enter the proper world of adulthood! Although at 18 you're classed as an adult, there doesn't seem to be that recognition for actually being an adult. Which is why I think I'm looking forward so much to being 20.
If I look back properly over the past 6 years, my teens haven't really brought me what a lot of young girls want from that. Its took me a lot longer to understand myself and grow into who I am. My teens have been dominated by anorexia, depression, self harm, self loath, anxiety and god knows what else. It's a part of my life I want to leave behind for the illness, but the part of my life which I need to be talking about to help others.
I find it really weird. Everyone will tell me that lots of good things happened too but my anorexia has always been there. Obviously over the past few years the anorexia has grown weaker in but it's still there and I know it is - I'm not stupid and I know I have a way to go, but it's all part of the journey.
So being 20 presents to me so many new opportunities ... I've been in my own place for a month now, but still relying obviously on extended care to help with things which is good for me :) I know when I need help! I'm going to start properly believing who I am I've got too! After all being 20 isn't going to be the complete new me but I feel like I have a new start with a fresh 10 years a head :)
So I think I'm in for a lazy and relaxing day :) a load of DVDs a head :) and then a drive later with my Dad ...
ROLL ON TOMORROW
xxxxxxx
12:57pm
I suppose today is really an end of an era. I can finally leave my teens and enter the proper world of adulthood! Although at 18 you're classed as an adult, there doesn't seem to be that recognition for actually being an adult. Which is why I think I'm looking forward so much to being 20.
If I look back properly over the past 6 years, my teens haven't really brought me what a lot of young girls want from that. Its took me a lot longer to understand myself and grow into who I am. My teens have been dominated by anorexia, depression, self harm, self loath, anxiety and god knows what else. It's a part of my life I want to leave behind for the illness, but the part of my life which I need to be talking about to help others.
I find it really weird. Everyone will tell me that lots of good things happened too but my anorexia has always been there. Obviously over the past few years the anorexia has grown weaker in but it's still there and I know it is - I'm not stupid and I know I have a way to go, but it's all part of the journey.
So being 20 presents to me so many new opportunities ... I've been in my own place for a month now, but still relying obviously on extended care to help with things which is good for me :) I know when I need help! I'm going to start properly believing who I am I've got too! After all being 20 isn't going to be the complete new me but I feel like I have a new start with a fresh 10 years a head :)
So I think I'm in for a lazy and relaxing day :) a load of DVDs a head :) and then a drive later with my Dad ...
ROLL ON TOMORROW
xxxxxxx
Monday, 25 July 2011
1 year on ....
Monday 25th July 2011
9:11pm
Well what can I say! So much has happened within a year, and I'm still in shock. Going out with Tom has definitely changed me a lot, for the better of course. I love the fact that I'm actually able to smile and mean it.
The house move has gone well, still little bits which I want to do but I'm really settled, sleeping like a log and desperate for a lie in! Not like me at all, but it's been so lovely not to be woken up my banging doors or any other unwanted noise.
Work has been going well, the school visits have shot up and the plans for 2011 / 2012 are looking well for school bookings. Now DAD has finished it's now the plans for the 20th anniversary and the Positive Action Awards. Last year they were amazing and it was another big event which I enjoyed so much.
So I found out that I've past college and I'm really chuffed, still really impressed with myself as never thought I would really amount to anything going through college, those distinctions were definitely worth it.
My eating disorder is still rearing it's ugly head at times but I'm coping :) looking forward to my birthday and can't wait to turn 20 - probably too much!!
So one year on I've moved out, managed to put up with Tom and still out of hospital :) Life is looking good and this journey back to life isn't actually too bad!!!
Rach
xxxx
9:11pm
Well what can I say! So much has happened within a year, and I'm still in shock. Going out with Tom has definitely changed me a lot, for the better of course. I love the fact that I'm actually able to smile and mean it.
The house move has gone well, still little bits which I want to do but I'm really settled, sleeping like a log and desperate for a lie in! Not like me at all, but it's been so lovely not to be woken up my banging doors or any other unwanted noise.
Work has been going well, the school visits have shot up and the plans for 2011 / 2012 are looking well for school bookings. Now DAD has finished it's now the plans for the 20th anniversary and the Positive Action Awards. Last year they were amazing and it was another big event which I enjoyed so much.
So I found out that I've past college and I'm really chuffed, still really impressed with myself as never thought I would really amount to anything going through college, those distinctions were definitely worth it.
My eating disorder is still rearing it's ugly head at times but I'm coping :) looking forward to my birthday and can't wait to turn 20 - probably too much!!
So one year on I've moved out, managed to put up with Tom and still out of hospital :) Life is looking good and this journey back to life isn't actually too bad!!!
Rach
xxxx
Saturday, 16 July 2011
too long!!
Saturday 16th July 2011
8:36pm
Well you can say it's been too long since I last blogged. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing. So much stuff has happened and for a while my anorexia sort of became my friend again.
WHY?
Well basically I decided to weigh myself, I hadn't done it for ages and they were just there, literally screaming at me, so I got on and then stared at the numbers for ages and those numbers for a while doomed over me. This then allowed me to lose some weight and start to feel a little better about myself. I know people could tell, I supposed I liked it in a way, that's the one thing about anorexia which I love to hate, and really can't explain why.
I've moved out of my mum and dad's and ventured into the world of renting a room. However, this has meant that I have had to start the dreaded food diary once again but luckily that does not have to include a mood bit ... gladly, as I think I would depress anyone reading it!
Disability Awareness Day was last weekend, and once again it was amazing. I was able to be a steward and look after the goings on with the PULSE sponsored walk. I suppose I can't really say much which will really show how good and interesting the day actually is.
Overall at the moment my anorexia is stable, talking about my illness in schools is helping a lot but then I always struggle to find that courage to eat after, I sort of think about how amazing at times I found it being there, having those photos taken. But then you look at my eyes and there is no sparkle Rachael isn't there but some monster looking out of them. I suppose though due to how ill I was there will always be a small bit of me which will look back and wonder what life would be like if I hadn't bothered of actually taking the proper step into getting better.
I'm a healthier weight now, BMI not where people want it but it's not exactly where I want it either! I've started to think if I was a lower weight I'd still hate my weight and want to be lower but I would be in hospital, at least at the weight I am now I can live my life at home and be happy with the people around me and that risk goes of being admitted at any time.
Life is odd and I know that, I can take people joking about my illness and what I eat but I have safe food. The thought of eating meat ever again just doesn't even enter my mind, people want me to eat it but it's not going to happen. I still need the support around me.
So for now this is me, getting ready to finally get out of my "teens" and enter my twenties. I'm sort of expecting all the crap and mental health business to leave me on the 9th august and I'll be all fine and well, but I know I'm kidding myself, I can live in hope!!
I hope those of you who do read this are actually seeing that recovery isn't actually all fine and perfect it's hard but it is possible, I will get there.
Rach
xxxxxxx
8:36pm
Well you can say it's been too long since I last blogged. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing. So much stuff has happened and for a while my anorexia sort of became my friend again.
WHY?
Well basically I decided to weigh myself, I hadn't done it for ages and they were just there, literally screaming at me, so I got on and then stared at the numbers for ages and those numbers for a while doomed over me. This then allowed me to lose some weight and start to feel a little better about myself. I know people could tell, I supposed I liked it in a way, that's the one thing about anorexia which I love to hate, and really can't explain why.
I've moved out of my mum and dad's and ventured into the world of renting a room. However, this has meant that I have had to start the dreaded food diary once again but luckily that does not have to include a mood bit ... gladly, as I think I would depress anyone reading it!
Disability Awareness Day was last weekend, and once again it was amazing. I was able to be a steward and look after the goings on with the PULSE sponsored walk. I suppose I can't really say much which will really show how good and interesting the day actually is.
Overall at the moment my anorexia is stable, talking about my illness in schools is helping a lot but then I always struggle to find that courage to eat after, I sort of think about how amazing at times I found it being there, having those photos taken. But then you look at my eyes and there is no sparkle Rachael isn't there but some monster looking out of them. I suppose though due to how ill I was there will always be a small bit of me which will look back and wonder what life would be like if I hadn't bothered of actually taking the proper step into getting better.
I'm a healthier weight now, BMI not where people want it but it's not exactly where I want it either! I've started to think if I was a lower weight I'd still hate my weight and want to be lower but I would be in hospital, at least at the weight I am now I can live my life at home and be happy with the people around me and that risk goes of being admitted at any time.
Life is odd and I know that, I can take people joking about my illness and what I eat but I have safe food. The thought of eating meat ever again just doesn't even enter my mind, people want me to eat it but it's not going to happen. I still need the support around me.
So for now this is me, getting ready to finally get out of my "teens" and enter my twenties. I'm sort of expecting all the crap and mental health business to leave me on the 9th august and I'll be all fine and well, but I know I'm kidding myself, I can live in hope!!
I hope those of you who do read this are actually seeing that recovery isn't actually all fine and perfect it's hard but it is possible, I will get there.
Rach
xxxxxxx
Monday, 13 June 2011
flying by ....
Monday 13th June 2011
10:09pm
It's weird to think how quickly time goes by. I've nearly been out of hospital two years and been a staff member at WDP for a year.
My anorexia seems to be under control but then again I find myself so often having that moment where food really doesn't interest me what so ever, and I would happily go back to living an anorexic life - this is all part of the journey I know that. Medication is medication, Fluoxetine could be a box of paracetamol at times, doesn't really feel like anything other than preventing a terrible day, which I can normally see coming.
I know there are some people out there who probably disagree completely, but they help me - whether this is psychological, I really don't care, they can help prevent a server episode of depression.
I'm so happy where I am at the moment, life seems really simple compared to a couple of years ago. I feel wanted for all the right reasons, people now stare at me because they can't believe how far I've come or the fact that I'm the same person who is in the pictures. The skeletal girl, staring blankly into the camera, hoping that someone soon would let her go. I'm now wanting to stay put for as long as possible, raising awareness, despite my bad days.
I've realised I can't mope forever, I've go to stay strong keep talking and have the confidence to say what I believe in.
Rach
xxxx
10:09pm
It's weird to think how quickly time goes by. I've nearly been out of hospital two years and been a staff member at WDP for a year.
My anorexia seems to be under control but then again I find myself so often having that moment where food really doesn't interest me what so ever, and I would happily go back to living an anorexic life - this is all part of the journey I know that. Medication is medication, Fluoxetine could be a box of paracetamol at times, doesn't really feel like anything other than preventing a terrible day, which I can normally see coming.
I know there are some people out there who probably disagree completely, but they help me - whether this is psychological, I really don't care, they can help prevent a server episode of depression.
I'm so happy where I am at the moment, life seems really simple compared to a couple of years ago. I feel wanted for all the right reasons, people now stare at me because they can't believe how far I've come or the fact that I'm the same person who is in the pictures. The skeletal girl, staring blankly into the camera, hoping that someone soon would let her go. I'm now wanting to stay put for as long as possible, raising awareness, despite my bad days.
I've realised I can't mope forever, I've go to stay strong keep talking and have the confidence to say what I believe in.
Rach
xxxx
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