30 Day Challenge - Day 15

Thursday 11th September 2014
08:32pm

Day 15 
How has your life been effected by your illness(es)? (Some ideas are: relationships, career, school)

Well I think at school, it wasn't really understood.  I was in hospital for a lot of year 11 (my GCSE year) and then for my college years.  I did manage to sit my GCSEs while I was in hospital and thankfully passed them all.  I did a few A/S levels in college but did re-do both year 12 and 13 once I felt fully able to.

I've had a few jobs while I've been at my worst and also I suppose "stable".  I had a job I loved which sadly the post was made redundant and with that and other situations going on with work I became rather ill after that, with that it has knocked my confidence with work, which is why I'm trying hard to concentrate on my uni course and trying dam hard to follow advice off my mental health team.

I was in a steady relationship when I was officially diagnosed as having BPD, sadly the pressure of my illness and my boyfriend at the time at university things got to much for both of us.  It was a mutual break-up but I won't lie hit me hard.  Looking back though it was the right thing to do.  While I was seeing him though he did make an effort to come to any appointments and try and understand what was going on.  I've had a couple of short relationships since but come to a point where as much as I'd love to be in a relationship I'm happy where I am, I'm not bothered that I'm single, but what does get me at times is seeing my friends who are either married, engaged or just in a relationship getting on and even having children.  

Friendships are hard with BPD but those who are my friends know about it.  I remember in school having loads of friends seemed to be important but really it's not.  I find it so hard to trust people and let people in but socially I know I struggle.  I won't lie I do like my own company, but I know at times I need to force myself to be with people, which sounds strange.  Some days I rely a lot more on people but those are the days you find out who are your true friends.

On the plus side though my career or how I see my career going is due to the events which have happened to me.  I want to be able to make a difference I don't want my struggle to be meaningless.  I've sat in groups since been in adult services hearing others who are much older than me moan about how the system hasn't changed since they were in their 20's etc and they feel for the "younger ones" - I would love to be able to say there is a change and the only way to do this is my opening up and campaigning.  JBL is a great way to help do this and I'm so thankful to all those who help support it.

Half way through the challenge ... hope I'm not boring you to much!!

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 14

Wednesday 10th September 2014
04:15pm

Day 14
Have you ever experienced stigma?

Yes is the simple answer.  Not just from people who I know through school or work but also members of the public, when I was really low in weight I'd get verbal abuse thrown at me.

I've found it harder with adults in the employment side of things as I have this expectation that adults should be a lot more understanding and think about what they say.  My belief through school was just that kids can be cruel.  If you're not educated about a subject then it's harder to understand.

I've struggled trying to get people to understand my reaction to things or how I behave.  I think at times I can try to hard which makes me more awkward with other people.

I worry if I open up people will become afraid of me, the thoughts which I have in my head at times scares me how do you then explain that to other people without the words which are so often associated with mental health I can see flash around my head and glisten in people's eyes

I don't think we will ever get rid of stigma completely we don't live in a perfect world, but what we can do is use personal experiences to give other people the chance to learn and not stigmatise other people from seeing a true reaction of how stigma which has been faced by a person they can associate with has coped.

Rach x 

30 Day Challenge - Day 13

Tuesday 9th September 2014

06:27pm

Day 13:

If you know the criteria of your illness(es) which ones do you think you meet? Or what are your most common symptoms?

NHS Choices states you have to answer yes to five or more of the following for a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.  Please remember though if you do answer yes to five or more don't panic, it may just fit your life style if you really are worried though please go and speak to your GP for reassurance or support.

• Do you have an intense fear of being left alone which causes you to act in ways that, on reflection, seem out of the ordinary or extreme, such as constantly phoning somebody (but not including self-harming or suicidal behavior)

• Do you have a pattern of intense and unstable relationships with other people that switch between thinking you love that person and they are wonderful to hating that person and thinking they are terrible?

• Do you ever feel you do not have a strong sense of your own self and are unclear about your self-image?

• Do you engage in impulsive activities in two areas that are potentially damaging, such as unsafe sex, drug abuse or reckless spending (but not including self-harming or suicidal behavior)?

• Have you made repeated suicide threats or attempts in your past and engaged in self-harming?

• Do you have severe mood swings, such as feeling intensely depressed, anxious or irritable, which last from a few hours to a few days?

• Do you have long-term feelings of emptiness and loneliness?

• Do you have sudden and intense feelings of anger and aggression, and often find it difficult to control your anger?

• When you find yourself in stressful situations, do you have feelings of paranoia, or do you feel like you are disconnected from the world or from your own body, thoughts and behavior?

 I don't want to go into me personally to much on this, but you can see from reading this how intense BPD can be on a person.  A lot of these also fit in with my eating disorder, but it makes the behaviors which don't link up make sense in my head so much.  Each person with BPD will be affected differently and it's important to remember that.

Anorexia criteria is always been looked at.  Many have the perception that you have to always be skeletal and never eat at all.  This isn't the case.  Weight loss will be noticeable in time but even now with my BMI considered okay.  I still obsess about food, and still have problems struggling with my weight and how I cope with situations can sometimes come over through my behavior with food.  

I hope this makes a bit of sense, I've had a long day with filming!

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 12

Monday 8th September 2014

09:04am 

Day 12:

What do you think about your diagnosis in general?  (Some ideas are: stereotypes, commonalities, misdiagnosis, over diagnosis)

It took me a while to accept both my diagnosis.  At 14 been told you have a mental health issue is such a big deal, but to be honest I think at any age it can turn your life around.  There are loads of stereotypes of having anorexia:

- You should look like a skeleton 

- You don't eat anything

- Diet gone wrong

- Female Illness

- Only young people get it

- Attention Seeking

... I could go on.  These things are myths, anorexia is more serious then people realise, which through my talks I hope people start to realise how serious an eating disorder is.

BPD though was the hardest one to accept.  I think because I had heard so much negative stuff about it while in hospital and read about personality disorders it really freaked me out.

- You are dangerous

- You are a criminal

- Last chance diagnosis

- Not treatable

- Females are more commonly affected

... again I could go on.

You can see just from these no wonder people are so worried about being diagnosed with a mental health problem.  

For me having a diagnosis means that so many questions about my behavior and thoughts could be answered.  Yes it took me a while to accept this was now part of my life but it meant I could be given a bit more hope to cope with situations much more effectively.  Labels for many can be more damaging and that is important to remember, I want to be more than my diagnosis but to do that I have to accept it.

Rachael x

30 Day Challenge - Day 11

Sunday 7th September 2014

01:25pm

Day 11:

What is the worst thing in regard to your mental illness(es)?

I think the worst thing for me is the stigma which people have seem to have when they found out about BPD.

Despite what I have been through when I need to ask professionally I do.  Sadly people believe that I would completely melt down, take on their problems and then if I felt like try and attack them.  Believe me this is not the case.

I struggle to see who I am without taking my diagnosis into account, so it helps when people let me know and see me when things are going downhill.  What hurts is when people use my diagnosis against me and believe they know me better than me.  For those of you who know the situation I am currently in you will see how this fits perfectly in to the worst thing!

I suppose with my anorexia the worst thing is not being able to go out with people who have never seen me eat.  The panic that comes over me is horrible.  I can now thankfully drink in front of people but even that took a while. 

When the worst things happen though it's important that I do remember the good things.  Tomorrow is always another day.

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 10

Saturday 6th September 2014

09:17am

Day 10

What is the best thing in regards to your mental illness(es)?

The best thing I suppose is the friends I have made through my journey, the next best thing is the awareness raising I have been able to do around the issues which I have.  I have managed to built the confidence to be able to try and help ensure that at least one person doesn't have to go through the hell which I went through with services.

I have been able to help a lot of families which again is another good thing which has come from my journey.

Living with a mental health issues doesn't have to be all bad.  Once you start to understand and accept who you are things start to make sense you can at times see the positive side of mental health.  I often wonder if this didn't happen to me would I be as open minded to mental health as I am now?  I would like to think I would be.

Rachael x

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 9

Friday 5th September 2014
08:14am

Day 9
What are some of the important events in your life, that may have effected your mental illness(es) for the worse or better? (You can make a timeline)

The first major event was the death of my grannynanny (great gran) which I think was the straw that broke the camels back.  It wasn't like I'd never experienced death what I found harder was the fact I couldn't help her.  I was older and more aware about what death was, it was sad to see it was her body which gave up on her, her head was fine, she could still remember everyone, still tell us stories but what I was shocked about was the fact she was one of the first extended family members that ever pulled me up about my weight loss.  She was so understanding about it all and that was the type of person she was.  Still to this day I miss her.  Her photo is on the drawers next to my bed and I truly believe she is my guardian angel.  Those of you who know me well will know how much I thought of her.

GCSEs were a major stress, I felt the pressure, whether it was intentional or not from teachers I felt like if I failed it would be the end of the world.  My life would be over.  I put so much pressure on myself to ensure that work was perfect I would delete full documents of work if I got anything wrong, would rip up course work if I wasn't happy with the effort I'd put into it, which would mean I was up all night then back to school in the morning.  Realistically I know I'm not an A* student straight through, but I like to try and reach as close to that.  How I was then does impact on my assignments now for uni as the thought of handing it in for a read through is a massive no no, the amount of time I spend on assignments already and working up to the point where I don't delete a full document if that red line comes under a incorrect spelled word, despite the fact I really punish myself (mentally) I haven't got the top marks, realistically I'm glad that I'm passing a higher education course.

A massive positive though was when I passed my driving test, it gave me the independence to be able to get out and feel that freedom.  My car is everything to me, which sounds so sad, but I rely on it heavily especially as I'm terrified of using public transport on my own. Then last year I was successful in getting my flat again such a massive move leaving my parents house, but it had to be done.  My relationship with my parents has massively improved, not that we weren't close before but I started to see them more as my carers rather than my parents.

There have been more recent events which have had a negative impact such as the problems I had with a previous job, the death of a good friend, attitudes of "professionals" about my mental health and then other "smaller" things but seem to matter a lot to me and can have a major impact on my day.

Ending with positives which have had a good impact are my lovely cats, being a Young DPULO Ambassador, the Journey Back to Life, when I can helping at Nursery and I think most importantly my family and friends who have stuck by me no matter what.

It's important for me to remember when I'm struggling to think tomorrow is a new day. 

It is possible to live life with mental health issues, I really hope I can be an example of this.

Rach x