On way down to London ...

Tuesday 22nd May 2012
6.28pm

So here it is the day I go Lorraine probably one of the most watched morning programs!

It's weird really I never felt this sick when I was going down to do this morning I'm guessing it was because I was going on my own and it was a whole new exciting journey!

My life now seems to dominate around the world of anorexia and body image thankfully for positive reasons now to help combat the stigma and view around those who suffer. I actually see my future working with those people who have the illness and hopefully providing hope to those who may believe there is a never a chance out of it.

My counselling course started and I'm loving it probably too much, but I don't want to be like the ones I've had in the past, the one I am currently seeing is brilliant but I'm wondering if it's because I actually want to be there?

So the past month has been pretty shocking really! I found out my YA role at WDP is going due to funding which means the young persons work I have done around disability will stop. I have agreed to finish out the talks which are already pending so not to let the schools down or as many as possibly can with the support from wdp which I know I will have.

This has led to the decisions of making a way for my own future so I'm currently looking at setting up my own venture www.journeybacktolife.co.uk I suppose it's going to be trail and error it may or may not work out but if I don't try then I'll never know and I can't keep up with this defeatist attitude (of which I was reminded today by someone extremely special to me and who I'm lucky to have in my life)

My year of no self harming came to an end with the news of my job and also because of other personal reasons but I've decided to see this as a positive and to work with it! It's no longer a dirty secret anymore I can speak to people whether they understand it or not and I have no secrets to thank for that www.nosecrets.moonfruit.com

So here I am sitting or more like squashed on a train something which I've managed to avoid since passing my driving test! Feeling sick and remembering why I'd rather not use it! I blame my OCD, at least I'm sat next to my mum and not some randomer who stinks to high heaven of piss!

On a lighter note I was told I have a nervous tic today, which has apparently resulted from my anorexia, so you can imagine the banter I've had from my dad! Also my "baby" brother celebrated his 19th birthday - he seems to have come out more normal than me!

Well I shall leave it here and hopefully you will watch Lorraine tomorrow!

Rach xxx

Airbrushing

Monday 30th April 2012 19:13pm So, today is the day my story is re-launched into the media light. I still don't understand how I can personally do it and stay so calm. The reason for my story this time is airbrushing, or should I say to Ban airbrushing. To be honest, even I know this is a hard thing to do, but maybe putting it across as this hard hitting will get people talking and make people realise that actually if it really is impossible to ban then to have set rules, a logo or something to make impressionable people realise that these images are infact not real. The person in that image is being fausly advertised to the public on how they should or shouldn't look. Airbrushing to me is a hard one, I understand why people do it but think that the extent which they do it at times is far to much. It knocks me sick to think that the picture comes out often not looking like the person who has walked into the room. Is their no such thing as natural beauty? Anorexia is still very much misunderstood and you can see that from the comments which have been made by the public under the article which I will put on here after a long with the petition. I still find myself looking over the negative comments and the anorexia voice telling me that I should go back or I should look thinner I should be thinner but in all honestly that's not possible and I can't allow myself to go back there, I really can't. My life has changed round so much, my bad days are the good days I had when I was so poorly, it's strange to think that this time in 2009 I was trying to pick myself up from the pathetic 4 and a half stone which I was. I was weak, tired and really wasn't the person I wanted to be. Yet my anorexia had a massive hold me, something which I couldn't shake off or let go of. Tomorrow I share my story to the nation I will find my self sat at Media City in Salford. Tom is coming with me, mainly because I know it might help him develop contacts and have a look at the equipment etc, but on a note just to have him there, he's never been with me when I've done any work like this so I suppose it will show him another side of me, other than just what he sees on the telly! I will leave you with the link to the Daily Mail and also the link to the epetition. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2136948/My-anorexia-fuelled-celebrity-magazines-Victim-demands-ban-airbrushed-photographs.html http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/31414 Love and hugs Rachael xxxxx

Time Passes by....

Sunday 15th April 2012
09:55am

Last week I celebrated 25 years of marriage for my mum and dad, how they have put up with each other and the shit which I have put them thorough I will never know! On their anniversary in 2007 it was the first time I was NG fed 11th April @ 11:46am, why do I remember this, because I felt more guilty that I was being forced fed on a day which mum and dad celebrated, the first time in a long time I felt guilty for having anorexia. However when lunched arrived at 12:15 those feelings went and my hatred for food returned when a cheese butty was plonked in front of me having just had 1200 calories in fortijuice put into my body thorough my nose.

That first NG feed however then got me hooked, I could gain weight without it being my fault but the nurses or those who were putting those calories into my body. 5 years later and the fear of having a tube stuck down my nose scares me, however if it meant I could have the nourishment in my body and never have to feel guilty for eating again I would do.

I'm meant to be having a check up on my acid reflux however, I can't put myself through the torture of having a camera shoved up my nose, the flash back I have even just thinking about it is enough.

Time passes by and if I hadn't have got myself sorted I would never have met tom, and be in the place which I am now. I may still resent food and wish there was another way of being able to maintain weight without having to eat but logically that can't happen. I know that.

5 years ago I was extremely poorly and allowed my anorexia to dominate my life, if was a scream in my head which was always there. Now it's a small whisper which I can most of the time ignore, which means yes I time I will allow it to win but sometimes it's safer to do that strangely enough.

2012 sees me trying to enjoy life and getting back to finding out the who I am. I don't want to be the person I was before I was ill as she was a push over and allowed people to get away with so much. I have to leave people in the past or behind with the old Rachael as I can't afford to have certain individuals as part of my future to make me vulnerable and open to the grips of my anorexia.

Time passes by and I will be the person I want to be, I can't wait to be a mummy and pass on life experience to my own children but make sure they love who they are and not make the mistakes which I did, I would feel so guilty if they picked up on my thoughts and feeling about my own body image so I have years to sort my self out.

Life is precious and I'm slowly starting to realise that xxxxx

What a wonderful world ...

Sunday 26th February 2012
7:46pm

6 years ago I lost one of the most precious people in my life. My Great Gran. To be perfectly honest, I wonder if people actually know how close I was to her. 6 years ago was probably when my anorexia really took over, I had already been struggling secretly for just over a year and had a CAMHS appointment due but suddenly losing control and being unable to help her keep on going was horrible. I would say the last couple of times I saw her was horrible and I hated leaving her, knowing that she didn't have much longer to live.

February to me has become a month I fear. I fear that those closest to me will leave me. My Grandad died in February when I was 6 years old but then I didn't really understand the situation. February is also the month in 2009 when I was desperate to really end my life. I really had by this time had enough. I often wonder if I had succeeded in my wish how differenced things would be now? I've been told before that if I really wanted to die then I would have succeeded but those are the people who really don't understand what it's really like. Those few weeks of my life are a complete blank and it still scares me.

My blog is titled "what a wonderful world" as it was played at my Great Gran's funeral. I never realised how much she actually loved that song, but it probably explains why she managed to watch Madeline as the song is in it!

Today I found myself at first feeling slightly sorry for myself, grief is different for so many people. I hate it when people just tell me to buck up - my whole life was turned around on this date and I hate the fact that I actually let it still wriggle away at me. I was able for once to sort of enjoy my day without actually feeling guilty. I got to see Rach and her beautiful baby boy Lewis (who I can't believe seems to get bigger and bigger and he just proves how important life is, I want that feeling to be a mum and to put all my love and care into a person, watch them grow and now that I've helped create who they have become) I then went to the grave side (in a bit of a catch 22, I was a complete mess coming away but then I would have kicked myself for not going if I'd just left it) Mum has gone out to Chester to see Phillip and Dad was watching Liverpool and to be perfect honest home isn't really the place I wanted to be, thankfully Jayne had offered her company if I needed it, so I took her up on it and we watched a film and then she made me a quirky version on Shepard's pie (vegetarian meatballs as they had no vegetarian mince in!) it was nice though! lol

It's took me 6 years to really start to keep to the promise I made to my Grannynanny, but the fact is I'm now doing her. I hope I make her proud, I really believe she is my guardian angel and has held my hand through everything.

Here is to the future and the hope that one day February might just bring me a special day to remember for a happy reason.

Rach xxx

Jibber Jabber ...

Monday 30th January 2012
6:46pm

What a day!

Found myself having a bit of a hectic morning which put me in a hectic mood! I don't think it has helped that I'm trying to take myself off my anxiety tablets (my magic pink tablet!) I don't have to take them but since my driving test(s) I found myself in a bit of a mess, so I've thought that now I have passed I need to start coming back off them.

I've just been on a high all day! I've annoyed myself, so god knows how other people have felt. It is a good sign but I prefer it when I'm nice and steady in the middle! I really think I should plan my mornings so they are slower! It's okay when I'm in a school as all my energy goes on encouraging the young people to ask questions. However in an office environment not always the best but tell you what though got a load of work done!

I've got a lot of school visits due and meeting have been really productive. I've started Brownie Leading, something to get involved in and working with young people in another environment. Plus I'm getting to meet new adults as well through it.

All the preperation for Disability Awareness Day (DAD) has started, although I really don't think it every stops, it's always in the back of everyone's mind! I've only been at WDP for nearly 2 years and you know when the work is starting. I'm looking forward to working on the PULSE again this year, and trying to get some mascots to come and start the race off - so if you know of any mascots let me know ... ya@disabilitypartnership.org.uk

Things do seem to be on the up though, I had a really positive weekend and got some really exciting things to look forward to. I'm taking my nan out for her birthday on friday into liverpool :D

Leaving it here I think!

Rach xxx

New Year!

Monday 16th January 2012
6:58pm

Only realised before how long it had been since I last blogged!

So here we go!

December was full of tests and trials with it being the festive season. Christmas is one of those times when all I do is seem to panic and feel ill. It's the month when people seem to indulge and the one which I seem to restrict and then in January I have to try and brig myself back up again.

However, this year I made an effort, I actually managed to try and keep my eating as normal as possible! I actually was able to eat on Christmas Day! Okay it wasn't a proper 3 course meal but the point is I sat at the table and had a bowl of soup (with bread) - my leg had a mind of it's own under the table and wouldn't stop shaking but I could tell how proud my family where of the fact that I'd managed to have something on Christmas Day. The day when I completely fast had turned around and I was sort of enjoying the day!

December also brought round my driving test, my FINAL driving test as I passed! (thank god) I also started my pass plus and completed it at the beginning of this month. So I am finally legal to drive my beautiful Dora round on my own without the need of an escort! Being on a provisional license felt like I was back on a 1:1 in hospital! lol, every moved been looked at or assessed!

My driving test made Christmas much more bearable to knowledge of being able to just get in my car and go if things got too much and she has become my little safe heaven, and it's mine :)

2012 was welcomed in with dodgy dancing in Ambleside with Tom, Jayne, Beany, Vicky, Ste, Doreen and Derek. It was a lovely weekend break and the walks around were definitely needed to get rid of those cob webs!

My anorexia did spend some moments with me, as usual on New Year in 2005 was when she really did start to appear and by 2007 she had taken over my entire mind. Honestly, I would lose all this weight so quickly but what I have now is not worth losing. For once I'm really content with how things are going. I can now see when I'm having a bad week or whatever and if I can't then someone will pull me to one side and give me a smack (not literally, but I bet at times people want to!)

I have faced the fact that recovery is still a while off, especially with how I think still about 30% of the time. Especially at this time of year, when the top New Years Resolution seems to be "lose weight" "diet" ... when yes my little anorexia side is jumping round with glee at this thought Rachael is thinking "please don't slip back"

Work has been busy as usual, especially with taking on the extra hours with the admin work. I have to admit I was worried if it would effect me, but to be honest I've loved every minute. I've actually felt normal, I've been working at WDP for nearly 2 years (longest job ever without relapsing)

So what does 2012 look like for a recovering anorexic? Other than hectic! I believe this could be the year I finally make a proper difference. I'm finally focussing on my future, I actually see a future and can't wait to live it. Being a YA has opened so many doors, and I'm actually able to help other people with similar issues to myself and try and help them see a life without an eating disorder or at least allowing the grip with their eating disorder has on them to be loosened so that they can have the control back.

I wasn't supposed to see 2012 and I'm so made up I have.

Rach
x

November 2011

Tuesday 22nd November 2011
7:32pm

It's been a while since I last blogged, have no idea why I suddenly had the urge to "express myself via blogger!"

Next week I will find myself in London, talking to professionals about my honest opinions of a project my mum took part in when I was in the depths of my anorexia. I still think at times she uses it, but that's up to her really.

My anorexia seems to be under control - I hate this time of year. The dark nights and cold really don't suit me at all, it drags me down too much and makes me think too much about the past and what happened to me even more when I was 13 a trigger to me anorexia and something which today I really won't often talk about.

I'm guessing most of you have heard the Jar of Hearts song by Christina Perri, I've found that the lyrics have really linked with my recovery journey from my anorexia (I've added it in) when I do a conference I try and use music a lot to express exactly what is happening with my head and I seem to be able to explain to people much more easier like this. So I'll leave it with you to read and have a think about at the end.

Work has been going really well - so much so that I have decided that I'm going to uni in 2012 to do Counselling - I have no idea what the hell has brought this sudden urge to want to go but I'm doing it at my pace. I'm going to live at home as I know if I did go away to live at uni I wouldn't eat properly or at all to be honest. Education is a massive trigger and I would totally lose touch with the outside world, my OCD, anorexia and uni life would literally just take over. The thought of going back there scares me but the thought of losing the people around me who I have now scares me even more.

Life moves in mysterious ways, I really do believe that I got ill for a reason, despite the shit which it has caused and the mess which it has left me I've become a much better person because of it. My anorexia has had a lot of damaging affects on me, which I'm aware of and it really hits me more when over people mention it to me, the fact that it's noticeable.

Like I promised will leave the song lyrics to read and have a think about.

Rach xxx
Jar Of Hearts lyrics
Christina Perri


I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I've learned to live, half-alive
Now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

Dear, it took so long
Just to feel alright
Remember how to put back
The light in my eyes

I wish I had missed
The first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back you don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?