Time Passes by....

Sunday 15th April 2012
09:55am

Last week I celebrated 25 years of marriage for my mum and dad, how they have put up with each other and the shit which I have put them thorough I will never know! On their anniversary in 2007 it was the first time I was NG fed 11th April @ 11:46am, why do I remember this, because I felt more guilty that I was being forced fed on a day which mum and dad celebrated, the first time in a long time I felt guilty for having anorexia. However when lunched arrived at 12:15 those feelings went and my hatred for food returned when a cheese butty was plonked in front of me having just had 1200 calories in fortijuice put into my body thorough my nose.

That first NG feed however then got me hooked, I could gain weight without it being my fault but the nurses or those who were putting those calories into my body. 5 years later and the fear of having a tube stuck down my nose scares me, however if it meant I could have the nourishment in my body and never have to feel guilty for eating again I would do.

I'm meant to be having a check up on my acid reflux however, I can't put myself through the torture of having a camera shoved up my nose, the flash back I have even just thinking about it is enough.

Time passes by and if I hadn't have got myself sorted I would never have met tom, and be in the place which I am now. I may still resent food and wish there was another way of being able to maintain weight without having to eat but logically that can't happen. I know that.

5 years ago I was extremely poorly and allowed my anorexia to dominate my life, if was a scream in my head which was always there. Now it's a small whisper which I can most of the time ignore, which means yes I time I will allow it to win but sometimes it's safer to do that strangely enough.

2012 sees me trying to enjoy life and getting back to finding out the who I am. I don't want to be the person I was before I was ill as she was a push over and allowed people to get away with so much. I have to leave people in the past or behind with the old Rachael as I can't afford to have certain individuals as part of my future to make me vulnerable and open to the grips of my anorexia.

Time passes by and I will be the person I want to be, I can't wait to be a mummy and pass on life experience to my own children but make sure they love who they are and not make the mistakes which I did, I would feel so guilty if they picked up on my thoughts and feeling about my own body image so I have years to sort my self out.

Life is precious and I'm slowly starting to realise that xxxxx