feeling wanted =]

monday 30th August 2010

09:39am

yesterday was amazing =] i got to help celebrate jayne and beany's birthday wondering round the trafford centre - mostly with jayne as she doesn't moan while shopping and everynow and then we both went sssshhhhoooooeeeessss =p i do need a new pair but Tom has already decided that I have too many - we have only been going out just over a month and he's already made up his mind!! hahaha!!! well i managed to get a nice new skirt from new look and some 'shoes' from m&s =] all good so i'm rather happy =] it was nice to actually feel wanted, i felt like i was actually wanted to be there not out of sympathy but because people actually like me! i'm used to been the sympathy card, rr we'll ask rach, she's ill ... will do her good to get out! erm no it did me better to stay at home and not move as that day out was like a day of exercise, if they thought like an anorexic they'd see it differently, although please don't try and its dangerous!!! my head should have big flashing red light on it!!

about half 3, the question of 'have you eaten?' popped up, my reply yes (as i had ... just not a meal) so of course tom had his little work with me and we wondered off, well i kind of stormed off to be honest as half 3 is closer to tea so it would mean i would be having two teas if i ate then - something which i'm explaining to tom without trying to scream at him ... but he was right truthfully i did needed a proper meal but the little bit of my anorexia still in my brain was like he wants you fat, i know he doesn't we've had this irrational conversation already, he's not trying to make me fat just keep me well ... bless!! and i've said i'm going to try so hard to change how i feel about eating meals, obviously i eat, suprisingly anorexics do or we would actually all be dead within a few weeks, blunt but very true, we just restrict so you can get all the facts that we don't eat out of your head as it's a load of bull!!! okay yes we may go days without food but eventually we do! i have just got stuck in habbits i feel better having a snack than a meal but it doesn't really do me much good i know!! but tom looked after me then we went back so i could help jayne choose a new maxi dress which we found and it's lovely =] i do approve =]

after our hectic day in trafford watching fish eat people's feet for 15 minutes for a tenner, we trotted off back to the horton's for our wii night to celebrate the birthday properly with some chinese and alcohol!! wii was brill though i beat beany, okay slightly cheated but so what i won =p and drank beer!! dont know how many of you have seen the photos on fb but i actually enjoyed myself and felt like i was wanted there!! it comes to something though when your bf family have already asked you about christmas, maybe this yr i will actually want christmas to come!! i'm such a scrooge things just annoy me too much - i know why as christmas is associated with food =[ i've not had a christmas dinner for about 4 / 5 yrs . . . yes i know i'm veggie but i can still have a veggie crimbo dinner =]

i had my meeting at the harrison centre the other day ... what a joke!! the depression i have is now labelled as S.A.D which i find rather apt considering i am rather sad if im depressed but hey but you have to laugh when people try and undiagnose you with it who aren't professionals, i know my own feeling and thoughts and when i read the flipping symptoms i'm like a typical case hahaha!!! oohh well =] at least i fit in there =p

yes so yesterday i felt wanted =] thanks the hortons for making the day so good, know it was your birthday so would have been anyway!!!

x x x x x x x

a pep talk actually sinking in!!

Tuesday 24th August 2010
11:37pm

i have been told over and over again about how far I have come but that is from people who have known me well - unwell and starting out on my recovery from anorexia. People can at times drain me, as nice as they want to be - but after getting upset from a simple talk i did yesterday, i finally realised, after been told for the millionth time that if i hadn't got ill i wouldn't be the person i am today! I was always wanting to help people, do things for charities, following charities which meant something to other people but i never really understood myself. I now work for a charity and love it, if i had never have dropped so low in mood last year i would not have been able to make myself strong enough to help other people. I still find it hard to take my own advice, taking advice yesterday made me think!! for once i am actually happy, not faking a smile but getting up glad that i'm alive!! okay yes i still have odd morning where i dont feel like fan-dabby-dosie but i get on with life something which i would have never done before!

tonight watching BB final and watching the old housemates go in i realised i once was jealous of nikki graham, she was thin, skeletal even she was what i wanted to be my idea of perfection tonight i watched her go in and was dreading the next 18 days, Urika Johnson also went in, both of whom have not always recieved positive press about their weight, and i actually worried about what the media would get out of this! I know anorexia and other eds will be in the media and the publisity will not be great, truthfully it never really ill with mental health, i will always be seen as the nutter or whatever, so i hope that stamp out stigma works out properly and actually makes a difference!

i have a new life in front of me and i can't wait!

xxxxxx

hectic week!

Saturday 21st August 2010

08:15am

What a week!! It did start off well I suppose, Monday was weird as Tom was at the pub with tommy and gav etc so had to spend a night in with the t.v and an early night!! however, the start of the week was actually very amusing, I shall not go into detail but some of you know expecially in work! =p but you know hey ho never mind life moves on and for once i was able to laugh about a situation rather than scream at everyone for laughing ... so it's days like that when i realise how far i have actually come =]

Monday I also had my interview for the warrington guardian as i complained about a story in it around mental health and i'm so protective over the subject i really will stand up for what i believe in! tuesday was tuesday i suppose most probably something happened other than everyone hugging their nice new desks and putting crap back into the draws and our daily number run on how lynda is doing with her stopping smoking!! she's doing well though =] on thursday i managed to get my results after many conversations more with tom actually about not going to get them, but we did and i passed so able to do law at A2 thank god =]

hairspray later cant wait a day with my mummy =] few drinks what could be better!? tom staying at mine tonight as we're off to huddersfield tomorrow to sort out stuff for uni for him more like a job as hes a lazy ass =p only joking!! i think i should adopt his room really, keep it tidy and show him what a tidy room actually looks likE!! hahahaha!!!!!

so things with me then after all this is the journey back to life!! ... i'm okay obviously those of you know about the situation this week but i've come through and managed to cope, talking to people actually does work but yet i feel guilty especially when someone i care about had to see me like that and basically let my thoughts dominate my mind and body! i'm finally seeing a future something which i've not wanted to see, i suppose i wanted to stay in my little bubble and cope with things my way, thankfully being with tom has helped and i've actually eaten when my mood as been so low i would have avoided the situation although when i tried to get out of it he pulled me back and talked some sense into me, yes i did just say tom talking sense =p!!!!!! things have shocked me this week too!!

i'm hoping the next few weeks will be good, got things to look forward to but also dates which i don't want to come, 18th september! having to leave tom in huddersfield and actually not seeing him literally everyday! =] although i can annoy him through facebook texts etc =] hehehehehehe!!!!!

well i better be leaving this here =]

mucho love

xxxxxxx

decision making . . .

Saturday 14th August 2010

6:40pm

Over the past few weeks my life has slowly been changing and I realised that what I thought I wanted was not actually me but my anorexia, and i'm sick of it dominating my life, controling my thoughts and unable for me to be me!

I faced the fact that I'm not going to go to uni, not yet anyway ... why? simply because I've missed out on a good few years of my life and I want to live them before I go to uni and find myself in a daft amount of debt!! WDP has opened my eyes, uni isn't me, not yet . . . working for such an amazing charity and gaining experience is what I need at the moment, i'm becoming a stronger person simply because of a bunch of people who entered my life just a few months ago and i'm loving them even more for it!! Just because i'm not going to uni now doesn't mean i won't achieve my dreams, I can still catch them - aim for the stars and reach for the moon =], my life for once is actually mine no one elses, the person who i'm becoming is who I want to be!! confident, ditzy but at the same time i know when to switch on my inteligant side =] hahaha!!!

i've missed out on growing up, i want to be able to own a car, have a family and prove that those with mental health issues can do things, things do get better ... no matter what the press says! i'm very proactive and i'm determined to stay like this, i refuse to let my illness wreck how happy i am at the moment. i'm 19 but at times feel like i'm still 13, trying to find myself before my anorexia rudley marched into my life and took everything great I had, but yet it also has created some amazing opportunities. the hell hole of hollins park for me presentated me with the wonderful pals team and dave thompson =] who put me in the position to raise awareness from a young person and that hell hole grew into a heaven!! i was able to make a difference and start to be able to help others! something i've always wanted to do i'm just doing it in a different way!!!!

this year of college will be my final year of education until i feel strong enough to venture out to uni and trust myself to eat properly and not take advantage of my situation being alone and not being watched!!! even at work i'm watched, at home, at tom's but i'm fine with it i'm rather they do it now as i really would if i had the opportunity not but i don't want to be that person i'm PRO RECOVERY something i never thought i would ever write =] my life for once is how i want it thanks to the new people who have entered my life plus my close family and friends who i have already.

I think a new family needs a mention a big mention =] Hortons =] tom, jayne, beany, jim and zelda of course!!!! i've actually eaten in their house food i would never have dreamt of having in front of anyone but my own parents!! welcome to my circle of trust!!! thanks for letting me take over your house and sofa and be able to be me without fear of me looking like a tit!!! yes it's cheesy but do i care, for once no i don't =] normally i go right within myself with people but i'm actually becoming more of me!! so what i talk over the telly =p get over it beany hahahaha!!!!!! i have opal fruits on tap along with krispy kreame doughnuts!!!!! hahahaha!!!!!!!!

well better be off need to go and party!!!

lots of love my little blog followers

xxxxxxxxxx

last year in the teens ... thank god!

Tuesday 10th August 2010

08:33am

Yesterday was so nice =] not only did i turn 19 i realised that it was the last year of my teens! Normally people dont want to turn 20 but my teens haven't exactly been the best years of my life. I became ill and have had to face up to the fact I have mental health issues and i lost one of the most wonderful people in my life, my great gran along with my beautiful neighbours. I see 20 as a fresh start but yet i'm going to live my last teen year very well =] the last few months of being 18 have just been amazing!!

why? .....

I have actually been proactive with my life! taking chances and excepting change!! I have the most lovely boyfriend who has the most amazing family who are in my little circle of trust and where within a few days of getting to know them properly!! i like it when things go well, i take every moment as i'm worried i will get l.ow in mood and i want things to make me happy so i don't slip right back! Tom is lovely though =] last night i realised how lucky i was to have actually have met him!!!! after all the talks from his uncle who i met through my illness of "ooh i have a nephew about your age rachael!" with the response of "i don't really care" hahaha!! and once in town tom was with his uncle but had wondered off ... probs to the fountains lols!! and i was told ooh tom is around somewhere, with me saying to my mum just popping off meet you in a minute!!! god i really was a bitch!! little did i know a year later he would be playing a big part in my life keeping me well and ensure i'm eating!!

I spent my entire birthday with him well okay give or take a few hours yesterday morning, the cinema for the advanced screening of sourcers apprentice was really good i was so hyper =] i had the best outfit on i should have won best dressed darn work not letting staff take part in the compertition i would have beat that little boy hands down =p i was rather comfy though a large pepsi max which although made me pee for ages half way through the film, which is maybe way it confused me a bit =p

my birthday was really nice got so many nice things - money, jewellery, stationary and a rather amusing present which will stay between me and the lovely jayne =] i took cakes into work for everyone plus the rest of warrington i think went rather crazy asking mum what i wanted her to get!! last night mum treated me to a double vodka which went straight to my head as much as i refused to admit it but when i went the loo i swear it was moving!!! yes i'm a light weight also known as a cheap date =p i've still got bits to come cards etc in the post plus my day out with mum in liverpool to see Hairspray have lots of drinks and just dance along!! Hairspray is amazing and i love it so much, much to the amusement of mum who decided to buy me a bottle of hairspray for my birthday getting me ready for the big day!!! chester zoo on sunday too which i'm rather excited about, tom can show me his real family not the ones who were nice enough the take him on from the zoo hahahahaha!!! got you back!!!!

well i better be going to work in a bit and still deciding if i should get up out of my nice warm comfy bed =]

x x x x x x x x