Tuesday 26th April 2011
8:30pm
I suppose life brings things to you for a reason, sometimes it gives you things you'd rather never had have, however good things come out of it.
At times this blog feels like my only way to get how I really feel out, even though people are around me who I trust and care about, I'm worried if when I'm actually having a bad day if I can be as honest as I actually want to. There I minutes when I just want to stand up shout and just burst into tears, but as I'm getting older and meant to be maturing it's hard to accept I can't do that. Life brings tests and trials all the time for everyone, but there is sometimes a point when I believe life is giving me all the shit which is meant for other people.
Becoming independent is something I really want, it's scares me but I know in order to make my recovery completely full I need to prove I can do it. I know people wonder how I could possibly do it, I still need reminders to eat or the motivation to get my ass in gear to actually eat. I've got to a point where I can just block out what I'm doing and get on with it. It's horrible when you know someone has taken the time you make a nice tea or something and I can't always taste it because I refuse myself to enjoy it. There are still times I lie about how I feel about eating and food, but I know getting myself out of the ED service was the best thing as I have to trust myself.
At the moment, I'm doing a presentation about body image and while doing research came across a questionnaire, surprise, surprise it came with the result that my body image is appalling and I should get help with how I feel. To be honest I've always know this, I hope to god in time I will appreciate myself so much more. My self harming seems to have stopped which is normally a major sign of how disgusted I am with myself, don't get me wrong I get the thoughts but I'm now able to beat them or distract myself from the thoughts which have normally led me to some dangerous situations.
Anorexia is evil, I have no idea why I felt so attached to it and saw it as a close friend and someone who I could confide in. When Kate Moss apparently said "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" I could so agree, and I suppose even now a small part of me still agrees. I would love to know why the professionals promised me that I would feel so much better when my weight was higher, okay I may not be as tired but mentally at times I feel so much worse.
I know I have to stay positive and I will do, I have things to look forward to but I still often look back and I always will do, the past 6 years have been hell, 2010 was a major turning point for me and I want each year to get better and easier to get though. I'm determined to keep on winning and trying my hardest to be free from this shitty illness if at all it is possible, who knows, this thing has dominated my life for a long time and made me very ill - I just want the screaming voice in my head to turn to a whisper and something which if it does appear only does so a minimal about of times!!!
Here's to life and independence :)
Mum I Love you loads!! Thanks for sticking by me all these years :) x x x
Rach
x x x
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
Friday, 15 April 2011
does it really have to be obvious? ...
Friday 15th April 2011
10:58am
Disability is a subject which either people refuse to talk about or is the subject on everyone's mind - especially with working in the environment at WDP and my own disability it's always on my mind. I often wonder what else I can do to help those with a disability - my particular passion is those disabilities which you can't see but they are there.
When I ask young people about disability when I'm out in schools etc the first thing people mention is a wheelchair, however, only a small percent of the population are in fact wheelchair users. A larger percent of the population have mental health issues but yet getting it recognised as a disability to a lot of people is so hard!!
I love the people I work with, everyday I learn something new about disability and I can then pass these bits of information onto other people. This new information will be fantastic to use at the young people's forum which WDP are currently setting up and letters have been sent out to about 30 young people.
So my experience of ignorant people's view on disability happened today with a bus driver to be honest. He wanted proof that I was a disabled person. I would have happily taken him to Warrington Hospital got out my bulging notes and let him read the shit which I went through - leading to a stint in Hollins Park and trying to hard to get my life back on track, taking time and having to accept help. But I shouldn't have to, I've only in the past year accepted that my mental health is a disability and I need to welcome all the help and accept that I am still ill and although far down the path to recovery maybe not as far down as I think I am - but far enough to appreciate my life finally.
I'm now waiting for Nisha, a beautiful person in and out who I met through my journey, we did a group session together and did have a laugh. I think we've pulled each other though a lot and even if we don't text or talk for a while when we do see each other it's like we only saw each other yesterday!! So today we're off to the beach - believe it or not we're not as mad as we used to be but this seemed like a rather good idea!! lol :P
Life improves but I have to work for it, comments on looking well although still scare me I can appreciate where I am and that they mean it in a positive way. I love who I have around me at the moment and I'll fight to keep them in my life!! I want rid of my anorexia not the people I love and appreciate so much.
Rach
xxxx
10:58am
Disability is a subject which either people refuse to talk about or is the subject on everyone's mind - especially with working in the environment at WDP and my own disability it's always on my mind. I often wonder what else I can do to help those with a disability - my particular passion is those disabilities which you can't see but they are there.
When I ask young people about disability when I'm out in schools etc the first thing people mention is a wheelchair, however, only a small percent of the population are in fact wheelchair users. A larger percent of the population have mental health issues but yet getting it recognised as a disability to a lot of people is so hard!!
I love the people I work with, everyday I learn something new about disability and I can then pass these bits of information onto other people. This new information will be fantastic to use at the young people's forum which WDP are currently setting up and letters have been sent out to about 30 young people.
So my experience of ignorant people's view on disability happened today with a bus driver to be honest. He wanted proof that I was a disabled person. I would have happily taken him to Warrington Hospital got out my bulging notes and let him read the shit which I went through - leading to a stint in Hollins Park and trying to hard to get my life back on track, taking time and having to accept help. But I shouldn't have to, I've only in the past year accepted that my mental health is a disability and I need to welcome all the help and accept that I am still ill and although far down the path to recovery maybe not as far down as I think I am - but far enough to appreciate my life finally.
I'm now waiting for Nisha, a beautiful person in and out who I met through my journey, we did a group session together and did have a laugh. I think we've pulled each other though a lot and even if we don't text or talk for a while when we do see each other it's like we only saw each other yesterday!! So today we're off to the beach - believe it or not we're not as mad as we used to be but this seemed like a rather good idea!! lol :P
Life improves but I have to work for it, comments on looking well although still scare me I can appreciate where I am and that they mean it in a positive way. I love who I have around me at the moment and I'll fight to keep them in my life!! I want rid of my anorexia not the people I love and appreciate so much.
Rach
xxxx
Sunday, 10 April 2011
Reality.com
Sunday 10th April 2011
8:06pm
I suppose recently my life or should I really say mood has been up and down like I wouldn't believe, or the fact that this bad week was once I good week when I was so skeletal I couldn't even accept that my life was falling a part.
My anti depressants have been reduced - and although it's a good thing, the week while they are reduced and getting into my system is just blah. When medication is increased it's great but urgh having them reduced feels like I'm coming off some illegal drug and my dependence for that drug is so needy its untrue... fluoxetine is a type of Prozac and used mainly for young people and those who suffer from eating disorders, but saying that everyone is different and what it may do for me it might not help someone else.
I'm still taking my driving lessons (STRESS!!!!!) I wanted to be passed by now but nope again my depression etc like to take over and it means its taken me too long for my liking to be driving - the theory was a pain in the ass, kept putting it off as the thought of having to do an exam was horrible the practical test doesn't phase me but god did the theory - felt like I was back in school and could feel my chest getting tighter as the questions were coming up. However, I have had to admit defeat and accept that manual car driving is getting me know where - it was suggested I should try automatic and so that's what I've done and it's such a better and nicer drive. Things seem to be slipping into place. I know not everyone (if anyone) agreed of even still does agree with the fact I've gone in an automatic to do my test in, but it's took so much pressure off me mentally and I feel so much more confident. So I'm hoping to do my test next month and have my own car before disability awareness day - maybe I'm aiming to high but it's a target which can be moved further back or closer I don't have to be driving for DAD but it would be nice to be able to help a bit more!.
So my old facebook account is officially gone, the deletion is definite and I can start a fresh start on a new account. It has helped a lot although my new account seems to like telling people that I've deleted them (When I've not and can still see them on chat!)
I suppose I want a new me and a new start with the people who I have in my life at the moment, I see my new life with my family plus my second family the Horton's :) - I know I have a long way to go,but I'm determined to be a recovered anorexic than being a recovering anorexic. Life is complicated and brings shit a long with it, but I suppose mistakes aren't mistakes they're learning curves and ones which will help me get to the place I need to be.
Rach
xxx
8:06pm
I suppose recently my life or should I really say mood has been up and down like I wouldn't believe, or the fact that this bad week was once I good week when I was so skeletal I couldn't even accept that my life was falling a part.
My anti depressants have been reduced - and although it's a good thing, the week while they are reduced and getting into my system is just blah. When medication is increased it's great but urgh having them reduced feels like I'm coming off some illegal drug and my dependence for that drug is so needy its untrue... fluoxetine is a type of Prozac and used mainly for young people and those who suffer from eating disorders, but saying that everyone is different and what it may do for me it might not help someone else.
I'm still taking my driving lessons (STRESS!!!!!) I wanted to be passed by now but nope again my depression etc like to take over and it means its taken me too long for my liking to be driving - the theory was a pain in the ass, kept putting it off as the thought of having to do an exam was horrible the practical test doesn't phase me but god did the theory - felt like I was back in school and could feel my chest getting tighter as the questions were coming up. However, I have had to admit defeat and accept that manual car driving is getting me know where - it was suggested I should try automatic and so that's what I've done and it's such a better and nicer drive. Things seem to be slipping into place. I know not everyone (if anyone) agreed of even still does agree with the fact I've gone in an automatic to do my test in, but it's took so much pressure off me mentally and I feel so much more confident. So I'm hoping to do my test next month and have my own car before disability awareness day - maybe I'm aiming to high but it's a target which can be moved further back or closer I don't have to be driving for DAD but it would be nice to be able to help a bit more!.
So my old facebook account is officially gone, the deletion is definite and I can start a fresh start on a new account. It has helped a lot although my new account seems to like telling people that I've deleted them (When I've not and can still see them on chat!)
I suppose I want a new me and a new start with the people who I have in my life at the moment, I see my new life with my family plus my second family the Horton's :) - I know I have a long way to go,but I'm determined to be a recovered anorexic than being a recovering anorexic. Life is complicated and brings shit a long with it, but I suppose mistakes aren't mistakes they're learning curves and ones which will help me get to the place I need to be.
Rach
xxx
Saturday, 2 April 2011
fly by ...
Saturday 2nd April 2011
09:44am
I can't believe it's April already! This year is already going so quickly and so much has happened! Already at Warrington Disability Partnership are getting ready for Disability Awareness Day, my first actual main run up! Last year I joined as the hard work to arrange it had been done but the work to ensure the day went great was still there!!
So March went past quickly! I managed to pass my theory test and this means I'm only a step away from actually driving (the practical can't be that bad ... I wish!) I also managed to get my medication reduced - thankfully! They were meant to be reduced at the end of December, but then they changed there mind and preferred the more doped up Rachael! Pitty they didn't see that I was climbing up the walls with hyperactivity at times! It's scary knowing that I've had them reduced, this puts more responsibility on me to ensure that I do put my ass in gear and try so dam hard to take my recovery more seriously then what I already am.
I still have bad days, a couple I experienced in the week but I've managed to learn from them rather than react badly to them. Although the thought of Self Harm was there people who know me well knew that allowing me to go home would result to this (even without me saying anything)
Life goes past so quickly - Tom has already nearly finished his first year of university, which is really scary! Plus we've nearly been together a year - another brill reason to look forward to DAD week since it's the week which we were introduced to each other and that was it!!
Tomorrow I will find myself at the Warrington Wolves match collecting for DAD due to the funding cuts. It will be a good afternoon out - of course Ollie the Owl will be there to keep an eye on us all. A lot of the WDP team will be there with our buckets so make sure you bring lots of notes with you - never mind the pennies!!! lol
Next Friday Warrington Disability Partnership will be at Morrison's in Latchford doing another bucket collection :) I can't wait till the actually week already the lead up to the week is rather exciting.
So another month of excitement is in order ... looking forward to it! :)
Rach
x x x
09:44am
I can't believe it's April already! This year is already going so quickly and so much has happened! Already at Warrington Disability Partnership are getting ready for Disability Awareness Day, my first actual main run up! Last year I joined as the hard work to arrange it had been done but the work to ensure the day went great was still there!!
So March went past quickly! I managed to pass my theory test and this means I'm only a step away from actually driving (the practical can't be that bad ... I wish!) I also managed to get my medication reduced - thankfully! They were meant to be reduced at the end of December, but then they changed there mind and preferred the more doped up Rachael! Pitty they didn't see that I was climbing up the walls with hyperactivity at times! It's scary knowing that I've had them reduced, this puts more responsibility on me to ensure that I do put my ass in gear and try so dam hard to take my recovery more seriously then what I already am.
I still have bad days, a couple I experienced in the week but I've managed to learn from them rather than react badly to them. Although the thought of Self Harm was there people who know me well knew that allowing me to go home would result to this (even without me saying anything)
Life goes past so quickly - Tom has already nearly finished his first year of university, which is really scary! Plus we've nearly been together a year - another brill reason to look forward to DAD week since it's the week which we were introduced to each other and that was it!!
Tomorrow I will find myself at the Warrington Wolves match collecting for DAD due to the funding cuts. It will be a good afternoon out - of course Ollie the Owl will be there to keep an eye on us all. A lot of the WDP team will be there with our buckets so make sure you bring lots of notes with you - never mind the pennies!!! lol
Next Friday Warrington Disability Partnership will be at Morrison's in Latchford doing another bucket collection :) I can't wait till the actually week already the lead up to the week is rather exciting.
So another month of excitement is in order ... looking forward to it! :)
Rach
x x x
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