past, present and future ...

Saturday 26th March 2011
8:02am






Standing taking this photo on Thursday made me realise how lucky I am to have mental health problems now rather than having them in the 1900s and before. The photo is of the old Asylum in Huddersfield. It's where Tom's uni halls are now situated with obviously a lot of hidden memories. The scary thing is it only closed in 1991! The year I was born so the fact even 20 years ago those with mental health problems were still feared actually upsets me. Obviously I'd rather have no mental health issues, however, if I hadn't I wouldn't have Tom in my life, or have the same insight into mental health and the people who have them. The past is a scary place, before I was born people with mental health issues where hidden away, miles out of town so that if they did try and escape no one would be hurt but the patient - sad yes but true.

I've seen old inpatient records from Winick Hospital (before Hollins Park was set up) which is so sad. I couldn't actually look at them properly as in different ways you can relate to the people and it turns my stomach knowing that it could have been me being treated so badly, tested on and treated as a freak.

However, the attitudes of mental health by some members of the public all that time ago wasn't all bad. My Great Gran who was in her 90s when I got ill was a great support and never had one negative work to say to me about my issues, all she wanted me to do was get better and live my life!

In the present I am doing that, some days I still probably live by the rules and laws of my anorexia but not as much as I did, but I know eventually they will go and I will be able to just hear my own thoughts rather than what my anorexia has to say.

I did a presentation on Wednesday to staff at a conference from different schools to raise the awareness round mental health, some looked shocked the fact that I actually go into schools and talk about anorexia - even today it's the most taboo subject in schools, yet so many people have this desire to be this unrealistic stereotype of perfect.

The weeks been really odd, different things have happened but it make me more positive for my future and what is set to come. I really do believe my path is laid out for me and I will follow it. I have to learn to take the good with the bad, the relapse and the recovery steps as I can learn from that and make myself into the stronger person which I want to be.

I have decided to start living life for me, if I want to do something then yes I'm going to do it. Although I still have this unrealistic desire to please everyone providing I please myself with what I'm doing to help my recovery then surely that is all that matters!?

I am making decisions for me which in the long term is going to do me well! For once my decisions are not deemed to be harming my life but enabling me to live a more positive one. I have plans and dreams and want to see them happen.

Rach
xxxx

Perfect: Pink

Saturday 12th March 2011
1:40pm

The song reflects a lot, especially through a journey with mental health. The video may be triggering for some with aspects of self harm but you don't need the video to appreciate the lyrics. I suppose people will be saying the chorus to me especially as I'm brilliant at putting myself down. But there are a few people and they will know who they are, which the chorus make me think of you.

Pink – Perfect Lyrics

Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That’s alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, missunderstood
Miss, no way it’s all good
It didn’t slow me down
Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look, I’m still around…

Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than
less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing
You are perfect to me

You’re so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you’ll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It’s enough
I’ve done all i can think of
Chased down all my demons
see you do the same

Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than
less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing
You are perfect to me

The whole world stares while i swallow the fear
The only thing i should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and we tried tried tried
But we try too hard, it’s a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cuz they’re everywhere
They don’t like my genes, they don’t get my hair
Strange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?

Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,
Pretty pretty please don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less than
less than perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you’re nothing
you are perfect to me
You’re perfect
You’re perfect to me
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel
like you’re less than, less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel
like you’re nothing
you are perfect to me

http://www.musicstop.org/pink-fkin-perfect-clean-version-lyrics-with-video

Rach
xxxx

one of those weeks!

Saturday 12th March 2011
12:54pm

I suppose many people believe recovery from anorexia is going to be easy - indulging yourself in food which people only dream to eat when they are trying hard not to be 'naughty' ... however, those indulging foods are just as, if not more terrifying through recovery. Why? Because, you intentionally want to regain the weight and have to ignore the voice in your head telling you otherwise.

This week I have really struggled for some reason with coming to terms with how different I am. I love who I have around me, however I do not love me. I think its all hit me, and hit me hard. Harder than what I would have liked as well. I found it hard to tell mum, that I was having all my negative thoughts again as I was scaring myself - so much to the point I asked mum to take the boxes of medication out my room. I didn't care if it was an overreacting I refuse to let things get me down that badly again.

I refuse to lose Tom because I get to the point where I get so self centered I won't be who he knows I can be and the same with his mum and dad - okay yes I have my little out bursts but as soon as reality hits I reflect and realise I really shouldn't have said/done that!

On Wednesday I had what I believed I proper responsability as the YA. I've had them before but the school coming to WDP was something which as far as I know had never happenend - I could be wrong so sorry if I am! The staff and pupils all loved it, being able to speak to staff about their own personal journey with disability. The staff who volunteered to speak to the young people were amazing and I know for a lot of them it was a brave thing for them to do. That's the thing I love about WDP the fact that we can start to help people get their confidence back bit by bit, it takes time and effort and the right people to do it.

The backgrounds which are volunteers come from are so different and it's lovely when they have the confidence to hear about it. I love listening to things like that, it also puts my life into perspective and makes me realise how fortunate I am to be where I am.

One volunteer who I have come rather close to at the moment is Heidi - I know she won't mind me mentioning her as remember Heidi "empowering is what I'm doing". I find it really hard to socilaise with people my age, I love adult conversation! So although yes I'm the young ambassador I found it really hard to connect with the young volunteers at work. Jayne and I'm guessing a few more people at work noticed, so I liked the way it was put to me that I was there to empower young people ... I may do it within schools but I had never thought about the young volunteers, I don't know why. So recently Heidi has started to be my "right hand woman" with YA stuff :p and plus it's given more some more responsibility, I'm not just thinking about what I'm comfortable with doing but also whoever may come out with me to help with the presentations such as Heidi, and I know she'll be a great help with the Young People's forum.

I'm still struggling with eating out, especially with big groups of people and especially when it is a three course meal when half way through the first I've already had enough! We went to the volunteer awards and I notice myself how dodgy I am with food but yet I can't seem to stop doing it! Pain in the arse yes!! I had this goat cheese tart thing with me being vegetarian but as soon as the goats cheese drew my attention sat right on top of the tart that was at the side of my plate and before I knew it I was seperating bits of food and back to old habbits with checking, I suppose when I'm in a stressful situation like that it comes back to comfort and I obviously and sadly still find some comfort in the anorexic behaviours. The way I see it is, as long as its not hurting me and only happen sometimes, it's okay.

But as I title the blog "Journey back to Life" it will take time and I do have to rebuild from where I stopped thinking for myself and also be able to reflect back on my past experiences.

Rach
xxxxx

RIP Jeremy Gillitzer ....

Sunday 6th March 2011
8:40am

I was heartbroken last night to read that the male model I speak about in my presentation had died in June 2010.


Jeremy was a male model who developed anorexia after a photographer told him he needed to lose weight. He was also trying to cope with coming out to his family and friends about his sexuality.

When I read the article on the website last night, (on my not so often google search for anorexia, mainly out of interest as I'm trying to see if the links to the pro anorexia websites are slowly going or at least not been on the first few pages of google!) I couldn't believe it. I very quickly filled up with tears and read not just in shock but also in jealousy. Despite being in recovery when I hear about anorexia actually ending someones life, it hurts, that is all I wanted eventually - this need and desire to be the best anorexic. Obviously when I think logically I know how good my life is, I'm lucky as to who I have in my life.

I literally was in shock and couldn't take my eyes off the screen - eventually I managed to put the screen down and just hug Tom (also managing to make him get off is mac for about 10 minutes) get it out of my system and finally be able to once again realise how important my life is, how important people are and why I can't return to my anorexic behaviour as badly as I have done in the past. I don't want to lose this fab relationship I have once again got with my mum as she finally has Rachael back! I also have a new relationship with not just tom but also Jayne, Beany and James!

I'm lucky to be here, I could have been the unlucky one ... it's times like this when I really think about the people who have lost someone through this shitty illness. Just because I may not know people personally who may have died doesn't mean you don't feel something when news like this hits you. It's a very personal journey, I was given 48 hours to live at one point but I really believe my Great Gran was making sure I wasn't going any where.

Life is precious and I'm finally starting to see that .....

Rach
x x x x

inspirational?

Friday 4th March 2011
2:01pm

Its been really weird the past few days, lots of young people have told me I was inspirational and brave for doing the assembly and starting to come of the hell of my anorexia.

After the assembly on Wednesday a couple of year 11 students approached me to see if I could offer some advice on their final piece from drama, the position I was in about 3/4 years ago (sadly, I didn't get to do my drama piece but still did well in the subject for GCSE) the group which they were working with had decided to do theirs aroud anorexia. I actually felt privilaged that they wanted me to give them some ideas and talk about what had happened to be for scenes.

I could tell that they were shocked with what I had to say, but I found it important to tell them about some of the more amusing times too - such as the lady deciding clothes were not her friend anymore, the image still vivid in my head!



The pupils were basing their performace around the play "Hard to Swallow" which is A play based on Maureen Dunbar’s award winning novel and film “Catherine” and charts her daughter’s uneven battle with anorexia and the family’s difficulties in coping with it all. Told mainly through the words of Catherine and her family, this uncompromising and sensitive script is equally as popular in schools as it is on the one act play circuit - Hard To Swallow has sold over 15,000 copies in the UK since its publication in 1990 and has become a very popular performance in schools. This dramatisation uses the words from Catherine’s diaries and also of those most closely involved and affected.

The group was so lovely, they seemed to want to listen which was the main importance to me, this was a very sensitive issues which they need to portray well and sensitevly.

So I'm still wondering if I really am inspirational? Does being on the road to recovery from anorexia inspitational? Okay my life has changed dramatically but I still see myself as this ordianry person, okay I have my little quirks but I'm thinking I was sent on this journey for a reason, I'm desperate to help people, okay at times I often ignore myself but I do eventually realise how important life is and I have to pick myself up and carry on.

Despite how horrid my anoreixa is, without it I wouldn't be who I am today. Professionals have said that anorexia is my life - it's not its actually in a weird way more confident and found me someone special who I can see myself being happy with for a long time.

Any person at any age can make a difference, I'm just glad some are finally starting to see this.

Rach
x

MRI Scan ... me ... what!?

Tuesday 1st March 2011
7:55pm

This morning, I had my first talk at Sankey High around anorexia. It was weird and I've never felt so nervous but excited. I was in the building talking about the illness which developed and thrived while I was there. I had so much support there though which was good but I was determined not to accept the help which they offered, the journey of perfection was awaiting me.

The assembly went well, and I loved every minute, it was hard seeing some of the younger ones who were in the primary school as was at and also know on a personal level. I was so worried about how actually hearing what I'd been through! So I made sure that I managed to speak to them before they had to head off to lessons!!

After the assembly I had my own appointment I had to go to, around the same thing which I was standing up and talking about. My appointment was another hit home and how much my anorexia had actually damaged my body. I have been on medication for a long time now, to help with my depression, sleeping and anxiety. As much good as this medication is it also has its downsides, what professionals like to call side affects. The side affect of mine could possible be the twitches and spasms my legs seem to decide to have. It comes to something when your reflexes are described as being too good!! The doctor decided that I should have an MRI scan to make sure that it's nothing more than my medication. It's scary to think that I've got to go through it all. I really hoped the anorexia had done it's damage to me while I was so ill but I forgot about what could happen after.

I knew I could possibly have the onset of osteoporosis but I'd always been told that, however, I was never warned about an MRI scan. I want to just live my life but I understand how that won't just happen over night, I always knew that.

I have another assembly tomorrow at Sankey and then it's up to the school to ensure that they have the support in place to help the pupils in the school who may be going through something similar ... I'm sure we'll find out soon!!

Right then I will leave this here!

Thanks to all of you who read this and to those who re post it on their walls, it's weird to hear about all the people who are reading it!

Rach
xxxx