outline of things =]

Like many, you're probably wondering why call a blog the jourey back to life? Well that is what I'm doing, the start of my recovery from my years of hell from the grips of anorexia, depression and self harm is starting, the place I never believed I would reach, but yet i'm here, eager to do well and help others realise themselves and realise that the anorexia is in control of them and not the other way round.

My anorexia started off when I was about 13, a vunerable year 9, self consious and wishing i was someone different. I believed I was fat and out of control with my life, i needed structure, to which i took from my food. No one really noticed at first until i started year 10 and came back from the summer holidays, i was told i looked lovely i'd lost weight and it was noticable! i got this strange buzz and it just spiraled from there, even though people could be cruel saying i was attention seeking i didn't see it that way i was in control, no one could force me to eat it was up to me, the need to be in control grew, grew way out of control the one thing i seeked the most, what i wanted the most. My GCSE year was horrible i was doing work all the time and as i perfectionist a piece of work that should have taken 20 minutes could take up to 2 hours! My great gran who i loved more than anything sadly died, although she noticed that i was loosing weight and warned family of her concern, rachael was fading away and i was becoming isolated finding reasons why i couldn't sit down why i had to be moving about, when she passed i hated the fact things where changing, having a great gran who had lived through war and had so many amazing stories made me stand out, but now i had nothing but my anorexia kept me going!

The day I was actually diagnosed with having 'anorexia' was horrible I sat in an office with professionals a set of scales and notes, my entire life was looked over and i later discovered at one point or another i would have been unlucky enough to develop my eating disorder - i got back into the car and cried my mum holding me so tight neither of us knowing what was in store for us, truthfully i think we expected for this illness to go away like a cough or a cold but it decided to stay and haunt us until this very day.

I had countless admissions to eating disorder units or similar missing out of crucial stages of my life, boy friends, parties, college and even finding myself . . . thankfully now though i was accepted back in college 2 years later, while my friends started university, i was back in college but i have met some lovely people who are getting to know me as rachael, well when i don't have my crazy out bursts!!

When I had my light bulb moment in 2009, it was the last day of college for my original year and i could see how far they had come i knew i couldn't stay like this stuck in the darkness of depression and having my life revolve around food and my routines. I went public with my story through the most amazing jouralist who made my story so unique and not just another person preaching about anorexia, mine was awarness - i lost all my teenage years, came close to dying, was force fed, nearly sectioned and was so negative was given the diagonis that i would alway be that way i refused to let my life be ruled by the dark thoughts of my anorexia and everything else which comes with it.

I sit here today proud to be who i am, i am not the person i was with anorexia and even before, if i was who i was before i would be walked all over but now i'm gobby (in a good way) and refuse to let people get away with things. I have had to let people in my life go which was hard but i can't afford to go backwards and i have to let my life move on, find out who i am today!

I am a b-eat ambassador, which was crazy - those who know me well will know when i was at my worst b-eat was the enemy telling my mum what typical tricks where etc etc, but now starting to recover i see them as my light and my hope! there are so many amazing people on this scheme, some recovered, some further on in recovery and some in the same position as me only just at the start of the jorney to recovery but we are in it together and will give each other the support in which we need. I also am the young ambassador for warrington disability partnership, i like to say i was head hunted! i was seen at a conference sharing my opinion on services and the team were like we need her!!!!!! apparently i'm a mini version of my mum, a good thing i have no idea, as she is one of the most loudest, gobbiest people about raising awarness on mental health it is untrue, i would not be alive today if she and my dad had not kept me going. I have put them through so much but yet they have in a way got me my work =] I also help with the PALS team based at hollins park, where i was unlucky enough to spend some of my life there, aged 17, under age to be on there - but i'm able to make a difference to that and loving it!! i refuse to let anyone have that experience it was horrible and one i never want to relive, and if i do it will not be on a voluntary basis and my parents would get even louder if it happened!!

So my life is starting to move, college is giving me something to do =] i have normally got on with staff well some yes i dont like =p but this year they have just accommodated my needs they know what triggers me and don't judge if i come in slightly moody or with new signs of SH, they may not like it i don't expect people too but in time i will stop and i will be able to find better ways of coping - my new friends are lovely, it's took me a while to get to know people as trust is a major part of my tick list to trust people, i still have routines which annoy a lot of people, but it helps me cope! Still today i'm a perfectionist with work, as people in my classes would have realised, i do not have a normal level pace well to me i do, to everyone else it's mad how quickly i will get through work. I'm hoping they have got used to it, it doesn't make me any different but once i'm in work mode in a lesson that's it, i'm in a world of my own!

Just because I have a mental illness doesn't mean i'm some uncontrolable person, i have my moments as people have seen, but that is just a small part of me =] i am a 'normal' person just with a few unique qualities! so my advice just take me how I am!!

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