Tuesday 27th January 2015
03:32pm
Thought is had been a while!
First off Happy New Year!
Well I survived Christmas and actually found myself enjoying it . It was just me, my parents and young brother and it was just nice. No tip toeing around, no feeling uncomfortable it was just nice. I got to a point where I just wanted to get home and after some persuading my mum to let me go.
New Year - well that was different! I had planned a quiet one! That turned out to be a very drunken night with a friend wishing the entire world through drunk texts and lots of shouting a Happy New Year. I had told myself over Christmas I couldn't drink, mainly because my anxiety tablets had been upped and I didn't think it would the best move to introduce alcohol. I did find my self explaining why I wasn't drinking but to be honest I didn't mind. I definitely made up for it New Years Eve!
The start of the year has actually been okay as well. My therapy is going really well (I don't often say that) but I do find myself benefiting from it more and more. I still love the volunteering side at Nursery and do find myself in the morning waking up finding I have a purpose.
I officially left my counselling course and started with Chester University, who so far I can't fault on the support which they have offered. I was so nervous on Thursday, I paced up and down the corridor until I had the confidence to just open the door. I was glad I did as the group was lovely. Driving home I did with a smile on my face which I hadn't done from my previous course for a while.
I've done a couple of talks this month about my journey and done a couple of smaller meets which has been really good, mainly as it's been with such a mix age group and all from different backgrounds. So I'm hoping something has been taken from each of them.
As for me, I'm doing okay at the moment, honestly, I've been better but I've also been much much worse. I've always been honest with where I am in my own journey and I personally have never stated I'm fully recovered as honestly I think I will always struggle with my demons. That is something which I've accepted but many others are confused why I don't give myself at least a chance of full recovery. Truthfully, I think I will always be fully aware of what is going on, been aware of my triggers has been a major part of me getting to the point I am now, as it has helped me notice probably what could have ended up with me being back in hospital. That is the difference now, I would much rather stay aware then become unaware of when I'm slipping.
So here is to the next few weeks, more appointments and getting settled in properly with uni and I suppose my new routine.
Keep smiling!
Rach x
Tuesday, 27 January 2015
Monday, 22 December 2014
3 more sleeps ...
Monday 22nd December 2014
11:52 am
Normally at this time of year, I wish it would stay this date or hurry on to the end of December. I could sleep and just wake up on New Year's Eve. I've known for ages that life doesn't work like that. We have to fight and work at building on and learning from our misfortunes.
Once again, the similar "you should look forward to Christmas and you should be excited" came from a multitude of people. Thankfully those who know me well knew not to say it, and because of that I found myself not necessarily looking forward to Christmas Day but enjoying the build up to it.
My first little bit of "excitement" as such was the Nativity which the Nursery I help at put on "Our First Nativity" it was the cutest and most adorable production. The children were so excited, they each had a part which of course was vitally important. Hearing them all so excited about Santa coming and what they hoped he would bring, and best of all being able to use "Santa is watching to see who's being good in Nursery" was probably one of the most enjoyable lines (cruel yes maybe but tell you what it worked!)
I then found myself eating the school Christmas Lunch. Considering until last year I didn't eat anything that resembled a Christmas dinner, I know was eating with about twenty 2 - 4 year olds. To many that might not sound like anything but when our children are known for just saying it how it is then truthfully I think I had a justified reason to be feeling a little anxious!
On Saturday Evening, I made one of the biggest steps of the year and to say I'm proud is an understatement. To me it shows how lucky I am to have a great support network at School - I started helping to build my confidence and learn to trust new people after the way I had been treated in previous employment. Truthfully I feel lucky. So this big step? I went on a night out which included a 3 course meal and I didn't have any alcohol to keep me going. I didn't drink mainly because my meds have been increased slightly and I wanted to also remember that I could do it. I could go out without feeling anxious and wanting to run at any given moment. I worked through my anxiety in a very hard situation. I know I went into a unsafe high at one point and again brought myself back to a level which I could deal with. I could still have fun but not be stupid. To everyone else I probably looked cool, calm, and collected - but I was working hard to be able to enjoy myself and come to realize how thankful I am to the school and looking at how my mood was when I started, they have had a huge positive on my mental health.
So I'm sat here knowing I have therapy soon, contemplating on all the good things this year has actually brought. Yes I've had a tough few month - I've took myself out of course which was making me ill and I'd lost enjoyment from. How it is been taught I know is not how I could work, if anything a lot of the things I was learning went against what I believed in order to help and support others. I am open with my journey with BPD and anorexia, and when I work I want to be able to use my experience, all I ever wanted was for one of my support workers/counsellors./therapist whatever to tell me they had been through something and this is how they were dealing with it now. They got through the dark bits and dealt with them still now but they managed, hiding behind secrets and being ashamed of our pasts, future and present is why we seem not to get far with mental health. We focus so much on books which were written years and years ago and the opinions of "professionals" who have read those books but never have any lived experience.
2015 brings my new course at Chester Uni, I will finish my TA qualification and hopefully take that step of finding employment - learning from my experiences learning from my tool box of coping mechanisms and keeping it.
In 2015 I will be 24 I would have had my diagnosis of anorexia for 10 years. That may seem frightening to many and lot of wasted years fighting an illness but for the past few years I have been given the chance to inspire others not to be ashamed of who they are.
I have so many people to thank for helping me through this year, helping me continue my fight and to fight stigma.
Yes the future is scary, but I have so many people to thank for not giving up on me or taking me on
as who I am today. My safe places are growing and the people I trust or can rely on is to.
I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
x x x x
11:52 am
Normally at this time of year, I wish it would stay this date or hurry on to the end of December. I could sleep and just wake up on New Year's Eve. I've known for ages that life doesn't work like that. We have to fight and work at building on and learning from our misfortunes.
Once again, the similar "you should look forward to Christmas and you should be excited" came from a multitude of people. Thankfully those who know me well knew not to say it, and because of that I found myself not necessarily looking forward to Christmas Day but enjoying the build up to it.
My first little bit of "excitement" as such was the Nativity which the Nursery I help at put on "Our First Nativity" it was the cutest and most adorable production. The children were so excited, they each had a part which of course was vitally important. Hearing them all so excited about Santa coming and what they hoped he would bring, and best of all being able to use "Santa is watching to see who's being good in Nursery" was probably one of the most enjoyable lines (cruel yes maybe but tell you what it worked!)
I then found myself eating the school Christmas Lunch. Considering until last year I didn't eat anything that resembled a Christmas dinner, I know was eating with about twenty 2 - 4 year olds. To many that might not sound like anything but when our children are known for just saying it how it is then truthfully I think I had a justified reason to be feeling a little anxious!
On Saturday Evening, I made one of the biggest steps of the year and to say I'm proud is an understatement. To me it shows how lucky I am to have a great support network at School - I started helping to build my confidence and learn to trust new people after the way I had been treated in previous employment. Truthfully I feel lucky. So this big step? I went on a night out which included a 3 course meal and I didn't have any alcohol to keep me going. I didn't drink mainly because my meds have been increased slightly and I wanted to also remember that I could do it. I could go out without feeling anxious and wanting to run at any given moment. I worked through my anxiety in a very hard situation. I know I went into a unsafe high at one point and again brought myself back to a level which I could deal with. I could still have fun but not be stupid. To everyone else I probably looked cool, calm, and collected - but I was working hard to be able to enjoy myself and come to realize how thankful I am to the school and looking at how my mood was when I started, they have had a huge positive on my mental health.
So I'm sat here knowing I have therapy soon, contemplating on all the good things this year has actually brought. Yes I've had a tough few month - I've took myself out of course which was making me ill and I'd lost enjoyment from. How it is been taught I know is not how I could work, if anything a lot of the things I was learning went against what I believed in order to help and support others. I am open with my journey with BPD and anorexia, and when I work I want to be able to use my experience, all I ever wanted was for one of my support workers/counsellors./therapist whatever to tell me they had been through something and this is how they were dealing with it now. They got through the dark bits and dealt with them still now but they managed, hiding behind secrets and being ashamed of our pasts, future and present is why we seem not to get far with mental health. We focus so much on books which were written years and years ago and the opinions of "professionals" who have read those books but never have any lived experience.
2015 brings my new course at Chester Uni, I will finish my TA qualification and hopefully take that step of finding employment - learning from my experiences learning from my tool box of coping mechanisms and keeping it.
In 2015 I will be 24 I would have had my diagnosis of anorexia for 10 years. That may seem frightening to many and lot of wasted years fighting an illness but for the past few years I have been given the chance to inspire others not to be ashamed of who they are.
I have so many people to thank for helping me through this year, helping me continue my fight and to fight stigma.
Yes the future is scary, but I have so many people to thank for not giving up on me or taking me on
as who I am today. My safe places are growing and the people I trust or can rely on is to.
I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
x x x x
Saturday, 6 December 2014
'Tis the Season to be Jolly?
Saturday 6th December 2014
09:01am
So this is usually time when I start to dread the festive season. Don't get me wrong I'm still not exactly looking forward to it but I'm slightly more optimistic. The talks of diets and fitting into that new little black dress are starting to circulate so in my head I'm trying to think about everything but.
So why the optimism this year? I've been accepted onto a degree course at Chester University. Which means I'm finishing my counselling course at level 4. I know I want to work with children and young people, and for what I want to do and how I want to work moving to another course will help.
After the way the end of the last academic year ended I suppose I lost faith in the profession as well, realistically support needs to be in place sooner and be the stepping stone with early intervention. I've been lost in the system and wished things could have gone so differently, but then I think if my treatment had been better would I be so passionate about changing the way services work and helping young people so they don't have to experience the lack of support I did.
I start my course around the worst time of year for me, end of January - the count down to February. February is a month I would rather miss, yet for next year, it's the start of something new and exciting, not something to dread.
Struggling with mental health especially at this time of year for me is I think when it gets to me the most, the time I truly see how vulnerable I really am. I seem to forget everything I have learnt to cope and revert back old ways, so keep busy and in my routine as best as possible really helps. I have fantastic support around me at the moment and I think finally I'm starting to see how much people do really care and the fact people want me around because I'm useful and not just out of pity.
I've not looked forward to something so huge which is happening to me for as long as I can remember. I've started to sleep better knowing I'm moving course and my confidence in my ability to make a difference is back. I won't understand ever why I allow people to have the power to make me feel so small and unworthy, that my experience counts for nothing, but yet I seem to do it.
So here is to the end of 2014 and the beginning of 2015, not just a new year but a new start.
xxx
09:01am
So this is usually time when I start to dread the festive season. Don't get me wrong I'm still not exactly looking forward to it but I'm slightly more optimistic. The talks of diets and fitting into that new little black dress are starting to circulate so in my head I'm trying to think about everything but.
So why the optimism this year? I've been accepted onto a degree course at Chester University. Which means I'm finishing my counselling course at level 4. I know I want to work with children and young people, and for what I want to do and how I want to work moving to another course will help.
After the way the end of the last academic year ended I suppose I lost faith in the profession as well, realistically support needs to be in place sooner and be the stepping stone with early intervention. I've been lost in the system and wished things could have gone so differently, but then I think if my treatment had been better would I be so passionate about changing the way services work and helping young people so they don't have to experience the lack of support I did.
I start my course around the worst time of year for me, end of January - the count down to February. February is a month I would rather miss, yet for next year, it's the start of something new and exciting, not something to dread.
Struggling with mental health especially at this time of year for me is I think when it gets to me the most, the time I truly see how vulnerable I really am. I seem to forget everything I have learnt to cope and revert back old ways, so keep busy and in my routine as best as possible really helps. I have fantastic support around me at the moment and I think finally I'm starting to see how much people do really care and the fact people want me around because I'm useful and not just out of pity.
I've not looked forward to something so huge which is happening to me for as long as I can remember. I've started to sleep better knowing I'm moving course and my confidence in my ability to make a difference is back. I won't understand ever why I allow people to have the power to make me feel so small and unworthy, that my experience counts for nothing, but yet I seem to do it.
So here is to the end of 2014 and the beginning of 2015, not just a new year but a new start.
xxx
Friday, 31 October 2014
Mental Health & Halloween
Friday 31st October 2014
10:36am
So the other year ASDA and Tesco hit the news with their Halloween Costume related to mental health and now there seems to be a local campaign to stop places like Spooky World and Farmagedon to stop using worlds like Asylum to describe their attractions. As someone who has mental health issues, I do wonder how we are taking this, are we making more of an issue or not making enough of the issue? I think it is a debate which will be carried on every year until the end of time as we try and be politically correct. Words we use now to describe other may in the next 50 years be classed as not PC and that generation can't believe we said certain words.
My ex's uni halls where on a old Asylum ground in Huddersfield. The main building was still there but was fenced off to the public and seemed to be guarded by a man and his dog 24/7. Rather than finding it scary, I found it really upsetting but interesting at the same time. Storthes Hall was only closed in 1991 - the year I was born. Every time I saw it on went to Huddersfield what got to me more was if I'd have been around through the time it was open how different my treatment could have been. We could be celebrating how far the system has come, yes we still have a way to go but we are no longer hosing people down with freezing cold water and some of the other terrible treatment which was tested through previous years. The site where the grounds were the halls are are said to be haunted by old patients who had died there, yes the building is eery, but it is a stark reminder to those in the system today actually how "lucky" we are, despite at times not feeling like it.
It's been half term this week, something which I've never enjoyed, I like my routine and being able to know what is happening on certain days, I feel a lot more settled. Most days I've been able to have something in to get me out the flat and not allow my mood to drop to drastically.
I've been able to do another tape for my college and I am so grateful to the people who have helped me with that. The trip yesterday brought back a few memories, as I am sure I'd been around the area with my mum when she used to take me out on little drives when I was in hospital, so it was positive to see how far I have come since I was an inpatient.
Again, I spent a couple of Halloween's in hospital, I always remember coming back from community trip and one of the patients had carved out pumkins while we had been out and helped decorate the unit, despite the fact we didn't go out trick-a-treating or have any intention was wanting to eat any sweets we still tried to have a "normal" day.
Things with JBL have been going well, we have projects on the go and hopefully we will be working with a local high school in Warrington, who's work deserves so much credit for the support they are giving their students. I just wish other schools could be doing the same and taking lead.
So what ever you choose to do tonight, enjoy yourself and enjoy all your sweets!
x x x x
10:36am
So the other year ASDA and Tesco hit the news with their Halloween Costume related to mental health and now there seems to be a local campaign to stop places like Spooky World and Farmagedon to stop using worlds like Asylum to describe their attractions. As someone who has mental health issues, I do wonder how we are taking this, are we making more of an issue or not making enough of the issue? I think it is a debate which will be carried on every year until the end of time as we try and be politically correct. Words we use now to describe other may in the next 50 years be classed as not PC and that generation can't believe we said certain words.
My ex's uni halls where on a old Asylum ground in Huddersfield. The main building was still there but was fenced off to the public and seemed to be guarded by a man and his dog 24/7. Rather than finding it scary, I found it really upsetting but interesting at the same time. Storthes Hall was only closed in 1991 - the year I was born. Every time I saw it on went to Huddersfield what got to me more was if I'd have been around through the time it was open how different my treatment could have been. We could be celebrating how far the system has come, yes we still have a way to go but we are no longer hosing people down with freezing cold water and some of the other terrible treatment which was tested through previous years. The site where the grounds were the halls are are said to be haunted by old patients who had died there, yes the building is eery, but it is a stark reminder to those in the system today actually how "lucky" we are, despite at times not feeling like it.
It's been half term this week, something which I've never enjoyed, I like my routine and being able to know what is happening on certain days, I feel a lot more settled. Most days I've been able to have something in to get me out the flat and not allow my mood to drop to drastically.
I've been able to do another tape for my college and I am so grateful to the people who have helped me with that. The trip yesterday brought back a few memories, as I am sure I'd been around the area with my mum when she used to take me out on little drives when I was in hospital, so it was positive to see how far I have come since I was an inpatient.
Again, I spent a couple of Halloween's in hospital, I always remember coming back from community trip and one of the patients had carved out pumkins while we had been out and helped decorate the unit, despite the fact we didn't go out trick-a-treating or have any intention was wanting to eat any sweets we still tried to have a "normal" day.
Things with JBL have been going well, we have projects on the go and hopefully we will be working with a local high school in Warrington, who's work deserves so much credit for the support they are giving their students. I just wish other schools could be doing the same and taking lead.
So what ever you choose to do tonight, enjoy yourself and enjoy all your sweets!
x x x x
Wednesday, 8 October 2014
By 2020 ...
Wednesday 8th October 2014
08:24pm
So Nick Clegg has come into the news around the Lib Dems policy for mental health - by 2020 mental health patients should have a similar waiting to list for treatment as patients who have cancer. Are we finally as a society realising that mental health can be just as deadly as cancer? Knowing that just one of my diagnosis (anorexia) has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric illness - just shows to be honest how important changes to the system need to be.
I received the news on Monday that after 1 year 1 month and 27 (ish) days I am finally at the top of the waiting list for therapy. To say I was happy was an understatement - I got off the phone and cried with relief. My first few years in the mental health system I battled everyone, I didn't want help as I really believed I was okay. The past year or so I have realised how much I really need to take the plunge and have the therapy I know I need, I'm scared yes but I'm ready.
The past few months I won't lie have been testing. I have wanted to just give in to my thoughts - I've not but I think I've given in more days then I would have liked to. On a bad day I realise how easy it would be to just give in to the persisting thoughts and get on and end my life, on a good day I realise the positives and can ignore and continue as normally as possible without giving my thoughts to much of a worry.
My confidence is slowly building with college. I believe I've coped okayish with a couple of hurdles which I have already faced, but feeling watched at my reactions been monitored is really hard especially with I know I just want to get my self to a safe place and either just have a good old scream or cry.
JBL had a school talk last week which also worked in well with the #yachall through the Young DPULO Ambassador side - tackling perceptions around disability is so important.
I really hope that the promises which are starting to be made for by the end of 2020 are taken seriously. There is a massive need for improvement - I've been lucky in the fact that during my wait any episodes I have had the support of friends and family.
Let's see if this can be done, let's hope that mental health services can be improved ...
08:24pm
So Nick Clegg has come into the news around the Lib Dems policy for mental health - by 2020 mental health patients should have a similar waiting to list for treatment as patients who have cancer. Are we finally as a society realising that mental health can be just as deadly as cancer? Knowing that just one of my diagnosis (anorexia) has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric illness - just shows to be honest how important changes to the system need to be.
I received the news on Monday that after 1 year 1 month and 27 (ish) days I am finally at the top of the waiting list for therapy. To say I was happy was an understatement - I got off the phone and cried with relief. My first few years in the mental health system I battled everyone, I didn't want help as I really believed I was okay. The past year or so I have realised how much I really need to take the plunge and have the therapy I know I need, I'm scared yes but I'm ready.
The past few months I won't lie have been testing. I have wanted to just give in to my thoughts - I've not but I think I've given in more days then I would have liked to. On a bad day I realise how easy it would be to just give in to the persisting thoughts and get on and end my life, on a good day I realise the positives and can ignore and continue as normally as possible without giving my thoughts to much of a worry.
My confidence is slowly building with college. I believe I've coped okayish with a couple of hurdles which I have already faced, but feeling watched at my reactions been monitored is really hard especially with I know I just want to get my self to a safe place and either just have a good old scream or cry.
JBL had a school talk last week which also worked in well with the #yachall through the Young DPULO Ambassador side - tackling perceptions around disability is so important.
I really hope that the promises which are starting to be made for by the end of 2020 are taken seriously. There is a massive need for improvement - I've been lucky in the fact that during my wait any episodes I have had the support of friends and family.
Let's see if this can be done, let's hope that mental health services can be improved ...
Monday, 29 September 2014
Back to real life blogging ...
Monday 29th September 2014
10:52am
Due to the 30 Day Mental Health Blog Challenge I've not really blogged on a whole as didn't want to bombard with blogs. So I've been trying to keep a mental blog of what has been going on so I could pull something together. It was really interesting though to do the challenge and I do think I secretly enjoyed it.
So, what's been going on ...
I'm now part of the Charlotte's Helix Project (https://www.charlotteshelix.net/) which is looking at the genetic link with anorexia. I've done the first part of adding my DNA in the form of saliva, which I won't lie was very strange, and have also done a questionnaire. I really recommend if you have a history of anorexia to click on the link and get involved. 25 thousand people are needed from all over the world.
I sent an email to Fixers (http://www.fixers.org.uk/) to see if they could help my fight in getting people to talk about Borderline Personality Disorder and more importantly at least try and understand it. I won't lie it took me a while to accept my diagnosis I think mainly because I already had one label with my anorexia. Over the past year I'd started to realise the amount of stigma attached attached through my own personal experience. This has been through work and education, and to be honest I was sick of been made to feel like shit! I have a done recording for Granada Reports which is getting aired on Thursday (2nd October)
I've gone back to Uni for my second year of my foundation degree, this was a massive decision to if I went back as my confidence had really been knocked at the end of the last year, with different meetings I decided to go back and give it another go. All I wanted was for people to see I do actually know what I'm capable of. If I'm honest uni really has rocked my emotions, with it being a counselling course I get that you need to be stable as such but what I'm finding hard is that decisions are being made without involving me. How something is put across may sound fine to someone but in actual fact it could have a detrimental affect and it's not them who has to deal with the fall out.
JBL is going really well. We are hoping to set up a fundraiser in the near future and we have been given an opportunity with Power in Partnership. We have a talk at a school this week, which is one we have been to before so we should be in for a good day.
So as for me in general, I'm trying. I have found it difficult going back to uni mainly due to the end of last term so I've had a lot of panic attacks which have really got me down. I met my new psychiatrist who was lovely and is hopefully going to be chasing up where my therapy is (1 year 1 month and 20 days in waiting)
Thanks for reading!
Rach x
10:52am
Due to the 30 Day Mental Health Blog Challenge I've not really blogged on a whole as didn't want to bombard with blogs. So I've been trying to keep a mental blog of what has been going on so I could pull something together. It was really interesting though to do the challenge and I do think I secretly enjoyed it.
So, what's been going on ...
I'm now part of the Charlotte's Helix Project (https://www.charlotteshelix.net/) which is looking at the genetic link with anorexia. I've done the first part of adding my DNA in the form of saliva, which I won't lie was very strange, and have also done a questionnaire. I really recommend if you have a history of anorexia to click on the link and get involved. 25 thousand people are needed from all over the world.
I sent an email to Fixers (http://www.fixers.org.uk/) to see if they could help my fight in getting people to talk about Borderline Personality Disorder and more importantly at least try and understand it. I won't lie it took me a while to accept my diagnosis I think mainly because I already had one label with my anorexia. Over the past year I'd started to realise the amount of stigma attached attached through my own personal experience. This has been through work and education, and to be honest I was sick of been made to feel like shit! I have a done recording for Granada Reports which is getting aired on Thursday (2nd October)
I've gone back to Uni for my second year of my foundation degree, this was a massive decision to if I went back as my confidence had really been knocked at the end of the last year, with different meetings I decided to go back and give it another go. All I wanted was for people to see I do actually know what I'm capable of. If I'm honest uni really has rocked my emotions, with it being a counselling course I get that you need to be stable as such but what I'm finding hard is that decisions are being made without involving me. How something is put across may sound fine to someone but in actual fact it could have a detrimental affect and it's not them who has to deal with the fall out.
JBL is going really well. We are hoping to set up a fundraiser in the near future and we have been given an opportunity with Power in Partnership. We have a talk at a school this week, which is one we have been to before so we should be in for a good day.
So as for me in general, I'm trying. I have found it difficult going back to uni mainly due to the end of last term so I've had a lot of panic attacks which have really got me down. I met my new psychiatrist who was lovely and is hopefully going to be chasing up where my therapy is (1 year 1 month and 20 days in waiting)
Thanks for reading!
Rach x
Sunday, 28 September 2014
30 Day Challenge - Day 30
Sunday 28th September 2014
07:32pm
Day 30
What
does recovery mean to you?
LAST DAY OF CHALLENGE!
Recovery to me is being able to stay on an even keel. My belief is once you have experienced the mental health system, even if you're discharged from a service it's always there in the background but you are more aware of what your triggers are or even what you can personally take.
I understand that others will have a different point of view, some have said my view is slightly pessimistic, but from my own personal experience that is what it is. Relapse is part of recovery and to be accepting a bad day is part of a recovery journey and not to knock yourself down because of it.
Rach x
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