When the mind goes into over drive!

Thursday 1st August 2013

08:01am

Don't know if anyone has been watching the BBC documentaries around mental health? They have been so interesting and eye opening - if you haven't watched them they're on BBCiplayer.

So they got me thinking!

Ever since I can remember I wanted to fit in and just please everyone without standing out just getting on with what ever I needed to do to just slot in. Why? Because I found relationships so hard to build and to be able to trust people. It wasn't until I entered the mental health system that this actually was associated to Borderline Personality Disorder.

When I first got ill I remember been accused of wanting to be like someone else who also had been diagnosed an ED when in fact I wanted nothing of the sort I wanted to just curl up in a corner and not be seen - I wanted to just fade away, I didn't want to be here let alone try and be someone else.

From being so desperate to fit in I'd gone to just wanting to be invisible. Now 21 I wonder how the way I was portrayed while at school those 14/15 year olds attitudes has changed. What scares me is other students in my year who were also suffering and have since been in contact  from mental health issues would not ask for help due to the stick I was receiving.

I've accepted that having mental health is part of me but I'm using my journey to help others. We need to talk about mental health and not be scared to ask questions, sadly it will always be around and if we don't talk attitudes will never change. You can't see I have mental health issues which commented on but I wonder what should I look like?

Getting up in the morning is a massive step - though I'm not one to stay in bed in all day no matter how depressed I'm feeling I won't leave the house or contact people, I have my techniques to keep me motivated which always helps.

Although not at the point being permanently suicidal anymore I have my days where I contemplate what if. I'm lucky that my mental health is as under control as what it can be and I'm at a stage where I'm willing to take on therapy and battle those demons. 

I just hope attitudes will change and are changing around mental health. 

Rach x x x 

Apologies for being me?

Monday 1st April 2013
07:12am

I can't believe in 2013 there is such a misunderstanding around mental health! Why should I have to explain or apologise for the way I am?

Officially I've had mental health issues for 8 years but realistically I've been told I've probably had issues a lot longer than before my anorexia came to a head.

I've thankfully started to get used to been that bit different from other 21 year olds but I'd rather be unique and not fit in just not in the way that I do.

Luckily my mum,dad and brother have been so understanding and know how much I have to put in to everyday. Just getting up in the morning is an effort not because I like to stay in bed but as soon as I leave the security of my room I worry about what the day will bring if I don't just hide away.

If I could snap out of how I was then I would have done a long time ago but mental health doesn't work like that your thoughts feel more powerful and controlling and will beat you at anything.

For me the worst part is the anxiety going out and feeling like your world is going to close in you could be with people you have known for years and still feel like you've never met them before and the sickness is there till you leave.

I go through phases which I don't even understand a massive one at the moment is hugs/kisses if I'm comfortable enough in small situations I may but its something which I have to talk my self through. I'd much rather mutter bye and get out which may seem rude but its how I stay safe. This only really started a couple of years ago but I link it so much with trust and where I am. I just go stiff and feel myself sweating, I've had occasions when I've not expected to be hugged or whatever and had to disappear to be sick. It's such a horrible feeling and I don't choose to be like this. Why would people think I want to be like this?

I've always said if you could be a fly on the wall in my house maybe you'd feel differently about why I am like I am. The work which my parents do to motivate me when I'm extremely low and would rather sit in the corner and cry to the days where I'm giggling for no reason and looking forward to things.

My next step is having my own place to be able to put my own motivation to others into place. I've got myself to where I am today and I'll keep on pushing and face what I have to!

It may not seem it but I am positive about how things will change. Each time I do a talk I empower myself ... I've come this far what is stopping me from keeping going?

If my 75 year old nan can be so open minded about mental health then there is hope for others and I do believe that!

Each day is a new day and brings something different as scary as that maybe!

Rach x

Welcome 2013

Sunday 6th January 2013

10:49am

So here it is 2013!

Firstly I hope you all had a great Christmas and New Year!

2012 was such an odd year! I lost 2 very special people in my life Dave Connor in June and then my Nanna in December both of who had different in puts into my life.  I also had to accept my new diagnosis on top of the many I already have in order to finally receive the therapy I need to help me over come the next few hurdles which I might face.  Most importantly of all though I finally got my ass into gear and founded the journey back to life.

For this I left my old job not just for my own sanity but also because I needed to put a lot of time into JBL to get it started.  Despite a lot of negativity I've done it.

What do I hope 2013 will bring for me and JBL?

Well for me I just want to be able to accept my strengths and limitations and for JBL I hope to have gained funding and to also have an office space so I can have my bedroom back!

2013 will also see my close friends getting married (finally!!) and this means I can be maid of honour and can't wait for this, dresses are sorted (well sort of) but it's something for us all to look forward to. I also have 2 concerts Olly Murs and Maroon 5, so I'm guessing 2013 will be my party year.

It's weird to think I'll be 22 this august but I've always wanted my birthday to fall on a Friday (sad I know!) but I was actually born on a Friday so always counted down to when I can celebrate on a Friday.

I hope 2013 brings you lots of happiness and good luck!

Rach x