Tuesday 30th August 2011
9:38pm
I can't believe already it's the end of August! One day left, and September begins. With a million opportunities and probably a billion challenges! Am I ready to chase them? Too bloody right I am.
I'm finally living life independently, finding myself and trusting my own thoughts and judgements on life. I no longer allow myself to give into the thoughts and mind sets which my anorexia or others lead me in to.
August has been fab! I've finally entered my 20's and can't wait to see what it brings, hopefully not the shit which entering my teens brought me!! I went proper camping for the first time ever! It was so good. I really enjoyed it, probably too much! It was cold and wet, but I had the company of three lovely people :) The nights were ace, curled up on a camp chair watching films, drinking alcohol and talking utter crap! I have to admit I loved going to bed each night and just snuggling right into Tom. It felt so normal, and I felt so safe, which probably explained why last night my sleep was so weird as I had got used to Tom being there, but since we've been going out it's always been the same! Me and Jayne went and had our feet eaten by fish which was the strangest thing ever, it was the highlight of my weekend watching Jayne freak out over it all, if it hadn't been for Jayne amusing me I think I would have been exactly the same and my fish were about three times the size!! - then we got back and found a massive spider about four times the size of my fish in the bottom of a shopping bag, I may be vegetarian but I would have happily squished the bugga to make sure it didn't re-enter the tent and eat me in the night!
It's been hard having my Grandad in hospital the last couple of weeks, but he seems to be doing better, and me and tom are going up tomorrow to see him again - there is a possibility that he may be home on Friday, but I'm obviously worried about the impact this will have on my Nan. She is losing her sight and I really don't think the pressure will help but I'm guessing that the hospital will sort out the care which may need to follow my Grandad in order to help for the short term. I suppose it has brought a lot of the thoughts about my Great Gran back and knowing that if the worst did happen how would I cope. But fingers crossed he will be back to his usual self ASAP!! minus all the whisky!!
I would love to be able to jump to September 5th ... why? It's my Great Gran's 101st birthday on the 4th and I still miss her, probably a lot more than I should. A lot of people have told me I'm completely silly for still struggling to come to the terms with the fact that she isn't coming back, but it's days like these special ones which I find so hard. I've kept my self free that day, I don't want to be promising myself to anyone. We have a couple of events for work over that weekend but I'd rather just be able to come and go. People cope it different ways, and this is the one which I've learnt to do without resulting in injuring myself negatively.
I suppose this is how life goes! I'm so happy at the moment and just wish those people who are trying to hold me back and keep me rained in finally see this. The more people struggle to keep me back will only lose me quicker. I'm finally loving my life and love the people who are in it, and I thank all those people who are supporting me everyday. I love you all trillions!
Rach
xxx
Tuesday 30 August 2011
Sunday 14 August 2011
Turning 20 ...
Sunday 14th August 2011
9:43am
Finally 20!!
My birthday was great, well apart from not being able to eat at Nandos because of the riots!!
Was able to have a nice lie in and be greeted with texts and Facebook messages :) always makes me laugh when I have about 20 notifications in one log in but love it at the same time, so thanks to everyone who wished me happy birthday.
Work was great, took in cakes, our unwritten rule when it's your birthday, and they seemed to go down well, was rather gutted when I went back in to see if my favourites were left (lemon flavoured ones) and they had all gone! Thankfully I'd already allowed myself to have one, but that second one was calling me later on in the day!! I got more cards at work and some presents too :) Was great to be met in town for a quick lunch by Lou and Jayne.
Later on I went back into town with the hope to go in Nandos, however, due to the scum bags who had been looting shops around the country they had closed early along with many of the restaurants in town. Instead we went for a meal at the looking glass with Tom and my mum and dad, to be greeted with more presents and cards. My ring off Tom is lovely and I have to admit he does have good taste and is obviously seeing what I like and don't like (actually get to know me) ... Mum and dad got me a Pandora charm, well I'm guessing mum did as I'm sure Dad wouldn't know a Pandora charm if it hit him in the face!!! Got loads of other nice things too :) I love birthday's, I always have done and hope I don't become one of these people who hates the thought of turning another year older. I suppose my birthdays have extra meanings, I proved those stupid doctors wrong who said I'd have died before my 18th and given me no hope what so ever for the future.
So I've entered into a new decade and I can't wait to see what it has to throw at me, already I've been tested. I've decided that I really need to properly fight for some therapy, I've started to realise my triggers more than ever for which spiral me into my deeper episodes of depression, so I look forward to having some professional advice on how these situations, not all which can be avoided can be dealt with.
I spent my teenage years and before that constantly been thrown criticism, whether over my height, size, shape, appearance, how I spend my time, my interest, how different I am to do others (negatively) ... and god knows what else and I've had enough it turned me into the sensitive person who become severely ill with anorexia and depression. That anorexia and depression has made me see that I need to start sticking up for me, stop hiding away and caring what people think about me. It's not going to be easy but it's got to be done - sick of been treated like a bag of shit and feeling like my opinion counts for nothing. It's the whole argument over the nature / nurture debate which will be looked at again once I get that extra support, but I tell you I'm more than willing to open up now, I'm ready to share what is going on in my head and finally let my demons go! Some of my triggers I know will be hard to forget, each year on certain dates the need to want to hide myself away will be there.
So here's to a decade which is going to properly shape me, make me the strong willed person that I want to be ....
Rach
xxxxxx
9:43am
Finally 20!!
My birthday was great, well apart from not being able to eat at Nandos because of the riots!!
Was able to have a nice lie in and be greeted with texts and Facebook messages :) always makes me laugh when I have about 20 notifications in one log in but love it at the same time, so thanks to everyone who wished me happy birthday.
Work was great, took in cakes, our unwritten rule when it's your birthday, and they seemed to go down well, was rather gutted when I went back in to see if my favourites were left (lemon flavoured ones) and they had all gone! Thankfully I'd already allowed myself to have one, but that second one was calling me later on in the day!! I got more cards at work and some presents too :) Was great to be met in town for a quick lunch by Lou and Jayne.
Later on I went back into town with the hope to go in Nandos, however, due to the scum bags who had been looting shops around the country they had closed early along with many of the restaurants in town. Instead we went for a meal at the looking glass with Tom and my mum and dad, to be greeted with more presents and cards. My ring off Tom is lovely and I have to admit he does have good taste and is obviously seeing what I like and don't like (actually get to know me) ... Mum and dad got me a Pandora charm, well I'm guessing mum did as I'm sure Dad wouldn't know a Pandora charm if it hit him in the face!!! Got loads of other nice things too :) I love birthday's, I always have done and hope I don't become one of these people who hates the thought of turning another year older. I suppose my birthdays have extra meanings, I proved those stupid doctors wrong who said I'd have died before my 18th and given me no hope what so ever for the future.
So I've entered into a new decade and I can't wait to see what it has to throw at me, already I've been tested. I've decided that I really need to properly fight for some therapy, I've started to realise my triggers more than ever for which spiral me into my deeper episodes of depression, so I look forward to having some professional advice on how these situations, not all which can be avoided can be dealt with.
I spent my teenage years and before that constantly been thrown criticism, whether over my height, size, shape, appearance, how I spend my time, my interest, how different I am to do others (negatively) ... and god knows what else and I've had enough it turned me into the sensitive person who become severely ill with anorexia and depression. That anorexia and depression has made me see that I need to start sticking up for me, stop hiding away and caring what people think about me. It's not going to be easy but it's got to be done - sick of been treated like a bag of shit and feeling like my opinion counts for nothing. It's the whole argument over the nature / nurture debate which will be looked at again once I get that extra support, but I tell you I'm more than willing to open up now, I'm ready to share what is going on in my head and finally let my demons go! Some of my triggers I know will be hard to forget, each year on certain dates the need to want to hide myself away will be there.
So here's to a decade which is going to properly shape me, make me the strong willed person that I want to be ....
Rach
xxxxxx
Monday 8 August 2011
last day of being a teen ...
Monday 8th August 2011
12:57pm
I suppose today is really an end of an era. I can finally leave my teens and enter the proper world of adulthood! Although at 18 you're classed as an adult, there doesn't seem to be that recognition for actually being an adult. Which is why I think I'm looking forward so much to being 20.
If I look back properly over the past 6 years, my teens haven't really brought me what a lot of young girls want from that. Its took me a lot longer to understand myself and grow into who I am. My teens have been dominated by anorexia, depression, self harm, self loath, anxiety and god knows what else. It's a part of my life I want to leave behind for the illness, but the part of my life which I need to be talking about to help others.
I find it really weird. Everyone will tell me that lots of good things happened too but my anorexia has always been there. Obviously over the past few years the anorexia has grown weaker in but it's still there and I know it is - I'm not stupid and I know I have a way to go, but it's all part of the journey.
So being 20 presents to me so many new opportunities ... I've been in my own place for a month now, but still relying obviously on extended care to help with things which is good for me :) I know when I need help! I'm going to start properly believing who I am I've got too! After all being 20 isn't going to be the complete new me but I feel like I have a new start with a fresh 10 years a head :)
So I think I'm in for a lazy and relaxing day :) a load of DVDs a head :) and then a drive later with my Dad ...
ROLL ON TOMORROW
xxxxxxx
12:57pm
I suppose today is really an end of an era. I can finally leave my teens and enter the proper world of adulthood! Although at 18 you're classed as an adult, there doesn't seem to be that recognition for actually being an adult. Which is why I think I'm looking forward so much to being 20.
If I look back properly over the past 6 years, my teens haven't really brought me what a lot of young girls want from that. Its took me a lot longer to understand myself and grow into who I am. My teens have been dominated by anorexia, depression, self harm, self loath, anxiety and god knows what else. It's a part of my life I want to leave behind for the illness, but the part of my life which I need to be talking about to help others.
I find it really weird. Everyone will tell me that lots of good things happened too but my anorexia has always been there. Obviously over the past few years the anorexia has grown weaker in but it's still there and I know it is - I'm not stupid and I know I have a way to go, but it's all part of the journey.
So being 20 presents to me so many new opportunities ... I've been in my own place for a month now, but still relying obviously on extended care to help with things which is good for me :) I know when I need help! I'm going to start properly believing who I am I've got too! After all being 20 isn't going to be the complete new me but I feel like I have a new start with a fresh 10 years a head :)
So I think I'm in for a lazy and relaxing day :) a load of DVDs a head :) and then a drive later with my Dad ...
ROLL ON TOMORROW
xxxxxxx
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