What do you think when ...

Thursday 21st June 2012
7:39pm

I say self harm? Does it send a shiver down your spine and the word attention seeker pops into your head or are you a little more sympathetic?

Self harm has been a part of my life for more than I can remember but throughout the time the stigma has never seemed to change! Thankfully No Secrets is around now something which wasn't when mine began.

At the moment I'm currently struggling with my self harming due to emotions which seem to be way out of control but believe it or not self harm at the times doesn't hurt. I go into this zone but for those moments after my thoughts are on the physical pain and sorting out the cuts.

I suppose my self harm also comes through my eating. Restricting my diet again brings back a pain which I sense differently my anorexia will probably be always there some may recover fully but I personally believe I never will I will learn to manage.

If you get offered the No Secrets training then do it, it will open your eyes into our world.

Some people have a glass of wine to get over a shit day others may smoke more than usual I cut and restrict my diet. However my methods are socially still unacceptable while smoking and drinking is fine.

I've lost people because they can't bare the thought of me hurting myself and wish I would talk but in a strange way my self harm is me talking.

My starvation is often seen more socially acceptable and I do believe that's the media or journalists who think being skinny is the best thing ever. When in fact it's being happy.

Some of the most lovely people I have met in hospital but yet I much prefer them now ... I like my happy healthier friends, I like hearing that they're living life finally despite not seeing them everyday or seeing them once a hospital admission has ended but what's important is that we still contact each other on those bad days to check its okay and not a sign of worse things to come.

All I have to say is ask if you don't understand, I have mental health issues I'm not a monster.

I thank everyone who has supported me throughout my journey :)) you know I love you all xxxxxxxxxxxx

times of change ...

Saturday 2nd June 2012 11:33am It's strange how you can have a few weeks of what feel like shit and then something comes along and changes your out look on life. May was not exactly the best month, however, it made me realise that maybe things weren't as perfect as I really thought, but more importantly how I could change them. I felt my mood drop but then it's started to lift again and I've finally started to feel like me again. My media work has picked up again and as of yesterday, journeybacktolife.co.uk is running. I've signed up onto the business program and things seem to be a bit more real, especially when my business cards arrived literally 30 minutes ago. It was a sad moment on Thursday when I realised it was the last day of the YA project. I suppose I promised to see the project out and that's what I've done. Anorexia as played a huge part in my life, who I am and who I have become and becoming. Having flowers bought for me the other day as a surprise was so lovely and I felt special, but special not because of my mental health! The past few months have made part of me remember that relapse is part of recovery, I'm going to have moments when I don't want to eat or moments when I feel that the only outcome is to self harm. But I have realised I can't let it build up to what it did. Yes I hate the fact that I resorted back to cutting myself the other week, but for once I'm finally realising the reasons why, it was just like the saying "the straw that broke the camels back" everything was building up around me I felt suffocated and enclosed in my little bubble again, and that bubble for the time was keeping me safe. I know self harm is a scary thing and something which a lot of people really don't understand the stigma attached is HUGE ... MASSIVE in fact but I'm determined to have another year, two, three, four and onwards without it being my resort to coping, but it's hard and that person who has bounced into my life I really hope they see that this is me trying - relapse is part of recovery, and I look forward to a future where anorexia may be in my life but it will be me giving other people the inspiration to move on and see that anorexia doesn't have to dominate there life. It's a horrible thing to have attached to you and yes that grip is hard to get rid of my it's worth it. I'm not going to lie, I still have struggles with food BUT I take them in my stride, my quirky eating habits are part of me just like my other quirky ways. There is no point in standing still and letting the world move around me, I have do move around with the world as sometimes what you want isn't always what you get but what you get might be better than what you have got. Lets see what happens over the next few month, I suppose it can only go down or keep on going up ... I know which one I want it to be. Rachael xxxxx