Sunday 26th February 2012
7:46pm
6 years ago I lost one of the most precious people in my life. My Great Gran. To be perfectly honest, I wonder if people actually know how close I was to her. 6 years ago was probably when my anorexia really took over, I had already been struggling secretly for just over a year and had a CAMHS appointment due but suddenly losing control and being unable to help her keep on going was horrible. I would say the last couple of times I saw her was horrible and I hated leaving her, knowing that she didn't have much longer to live.
February to me has become a month I fear. I fear that those closest to me will leave me. My Grandad died in February when I was 6 years old but then I didn't really understand the situation. February is also the month in 2009 when I was desperate to really end my life. I really had by this time had enough. I often wonder if I had succeeded in my wish how differenced things would be now? I've been told before that if I really wanted to die then I would have succeeded but those are the people who really don't understand what it's really like. Those few weeks of my life are a complete blank and it still scares me.
My blog is titled "what a wonderful world" as it was played at my Great Gran's funeral. I never realised how much she actually loved that song, but it probably explains why she managed to watch Madeline as the song is in it!
Today I found myself at first feeling slightly sorry for myself, grief is different for so many people. I hate it when people just tell me to buck up - my whole life was turned around on this date and I hate the fact that I actually let it still wriggle away at me. I was able for once to sort of enjoy my day without actually feeling guilty. I got to see Rach and her beautiful baby boy Lewis (who I can't believe seems to get bigger and bigger and he just proves how important life is, I want that feeling to be a mum and to put all my love and care into a person, watch them grow and now that I've helped create who they have become) I then went to the grave side (in a bit of a catch 22, I was a complete mess coming away but then I would have kicked myself for not going if I'd just left it) Mum has gone out to Chester to see Phillip and Dad was watching Liverpool and to be perfect honest home isn't really the place I wanted to be, thankfully Jayne had offered her company if I needed it, so I took her up on it and we watched a film and then she made me a quirky version on Shepard's pie (vegetarian meatballs as they had no vegetarian mince in!) it was nice though! lol
It's took me 6 years to really start to keep to the promise I made to my Grannynanny, but the fact is I'm now doing her. I hope I make her proud, I really believe she is my guardian angel and has held my hand through everything.
Here is to the future and the hope that one day February might just bring me a special day to remember for a happy reason.
Rach xxx
