Tuesday 22nd November 2011
7:32pm
It's been a while since I last blogged, have no idea why I suddenly had the urge to "express myself via blogger!"
Next week I will find myself in London, talking to professionals about my honest opinions of a project my mum took part in when I was in the depths of my anorexia. I still think at times she uses it, but that's up to her really.
My anorexia seems to be under control - I hate this time of year. The dark nights and cold really don't suit me at all, it drags me down too much and makes me think too much about the past and what happened to me even more when I was 13 a trigger to me anorexia and something which today I really won't often talk about.
I'm guessing most of you have heard the Jar of Hearts song by Christina Perri, I've found that the lyrics have really linked with my recovery journey from my anorexia (I've added it in) when I do a conference I try and use music a lot to express exactly what is happening with my head and I seem to be able to explain to people much more easier like this. So I'll leave it with you to read and have a think about at the end.
Work has been going really well - so much so that I have decided that I'm going to uni in 2012 to do Counselling - I have no idea what the hell has brought this sudden urge to want to go but I'm doing it at my pace. I'm going to live at home as I know if I did go away to live at uni I wouldn't eat properly or at all to be honest. Education is a massive trigger and I would totally lose touch with the outside world, my OCD, anorexia and uni life would literally just take over. The thought of going back there scares me but the thought of losing the people around me who I have now scares me even more.
Life moves in mysterious ways, I really do believe that I got ill for a reason, despite the shit which it has caused and the mess which it has left me I've become a much better person because of it. My anorexia has had a lot of damaging affects on me, which I'm aware of and it really hits me more when over people mention it to me, the fact that it's noticeable.
Like I promised will leave the song lyrics to read and have a think about.
Rach xxx
Jar Of Hearts lyrics
Christina Perri
I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?
You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?
I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms
I've learned to live, half-alive
Now you want me one more time
Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?
Dear, it took so long
Just to feel alright
Remember how to put back
The light in my eyes
I wish I had missed
The first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back you don't get to get me back
Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
