Sunday 1st July 2012
9:21am
On Wednesday we heard the sad news that a beloved friend had passed away. The news got to everyone at WDP, we're still in shock and I'm wondering when the news will sink in properly or of it ever will.
The last person I lost deeply close to me was my grannynanny who will be with me forever not just in my head and heart but also with the tattoo on my back. I couldn't keep my promise to her to stay well at the time but I want to be able to do Dave proud and keep up with everything.
Work became a hard place to be in due to the fact myself and Dave had been made redundant on the same day but the difference was I still had some hours while Dave was just counting down the days till he could start his business.
Dave was so special to me and so many people it still doesn't seem really. It's hard to talk about him at home as no one here knows him. I constantly feel nub and unable to talk, it's horrible!
We partied hard on Friday night on dave's memory getting in bars through the back entrance while laughing and joking about mr Connor himself. Drinks all round and dancing galore! Haha!
Me and rach stayed over at a travel lodge and had a chat the following morning. Rach knew Dave far longer than I did but we both share the same thoughts about him! (other than the selfish Bugga going before he bought us all around)
Dave you will never be forgotten, these feelings I'm hoping will move on. We all cope with death in different ways but we are all pulling together.
RIP Mr Connor! You got your wish a blog about you! This was going to happen in August when you had carried the flame! You will most probably we holding it high while you watch over us.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sunday, 1 July 2012
Thursday, 21 June 2012
What do you think when ...
Thursday 21st June 2012
7:39pm
I say self harm? Does it send a shiver down your spine and the word attention seeker pops into your head or are you a little more sympathetic?
Self harm has been a part of my life for more than I can remember but throughout the time the stigma has never seemed to change! Thankfully No Secrets is around now something which wasn't when mine began.
At the moment I'm currently struggling with my self harming due to emotions which seem to be way out of control but believe it or not self harm at the times doesn't hurt. I go into this zone but for those moments after my thoughts are on the physical pain and sorting out the cuts.
I suppose my self harm also comes through my eating. Restricting my diet again brings back a pain which I sense differently my anorexia will probably be always there some may recover fully but I personally believe I never will I will learn to manage.
If you get offered the No Secrets training then do it, it will open your eyes into our world.
Some people have a glass of wine to get over a shit day others may smoke more than usual I cut and restrict my diet. However my methods are socially still unacceptable while smoking and drinking is fine.
I've lost people because they can't bare the thought of me hurting myself and wish I would talk but in a strange way my self harm is me talking.
My starvation is often seen more socially acceptable and I do believe that's the media or journalists who think being skinny is the best thing ever. When in fact it's being happy.
Some of the most lovely people I have met in hospital but yet I much prefer them now ... I like my happy healthier friends, I like hearing that they're living life finally despite not seeing them everyday or seeing them once a hospital admission has ended but what's important is that we still contact each other on those bad days to check its okay and not a sign of worse things to come.
All I have to say is ask if you don't understand, I have mental health issues I'm not a monster.
I thank everyone who has supported me throughout my journey :)) you know I love you all xxxxxxxxxxxx
7:39pm
I say self harm? Does it send a shiver down your spine and the word attention seeker pops into your head or are you a little more sympathetic?
Self harm has been a part of my life for more than I can remember but throughout the time the stigma has never seemed to change! Thankfully No Secrets is around now something which wasn't when mine began.
At the moment I'm currently struggling with my self harming due to emotions which seem to be way out of control but believe it or not self harm at the times doesn't hurt. I go into this zone but for those moments after my thoughts are on the physical pain and sorting out the cuts.
I suppose my self harm also comes through my eating. Restricting my diet again brings back a pain which I sense differently my anorexia will probably be always there some may recover fully but I personally believe I never will I will learn to manage.
If you get offered the No Secrets training then do it, it will open your eyes into our world.
Some people have a glass of wine to get over a shit day others may smoke more than usual I cut and restrict my diet. However my methods are socially still unacceptable while smoking and drinking is fine.
I've lost people because they can't bare the thought of me hurting myself and wish I would talk but in a strange way my self harm is me talking.
My starvation is often seen more socially acceptable and I do believe that's the media or journalists who think being skinny is the best thing ever. When in fact it's being happy.
Some of the most lovely people I have met in hospital but yet I much prefer them now ... I like my happy healthier friends, I like hearing that they're living life finally despite not seeing them everyday or seeing them once a hospital admission has ended but what's important is that we still contact each other on those bad days to check its okay and not a sign of worse things to come.
All I have to say is ask if you don't understand, I have mental health issues I'm not a monster.
I thank everyone who has supported me throughout my journey :)) you know I love you all xxxxxxxxxxxx
Saturday, 2 June 2012
times of change ...
Saturday 2nd June 2012
11:33am
It's strange how you can have a few weeks of what feel like shit and then something comes along and changes your out look on life.
May was not exactly the best month, however, it made me realise that maybe things weren't as perfect as I really thought, but more importantly how I could change them.
I felt my mood drop but then it's started to lift again and I've finally started to feel like me again. My media work has picked up again and as of yesterday, journeybacktolife.co.uk is running. I've signed up onto the business program and things seem to be a bit more real, especially when my business cards arrived literally 30 minutes ago.
It was a sad moment on Thursday when I realised it was the last day of the YA project. I suppose I promised to see the project out and that's what I've done.
Anorexia as played a huge part in my life, who I am and who I have become and becoming. Having flowers bought for me the other day as a surprise was so lovely and I felt special, but special not because of my mental health!
The past few months have made part of me remember that relapse is part of recovery, I'm going to have moments when I don't want to eat or moments when I feel that the only outcome is to self harm. But I have realised I can't let it build up to what it did. Yes I hate the fact that I resorted back to cutting myself the other week, but for once I'm finally realising the reasons why, it was just like the saying "the straw that broke the camels back" everything was building up around me I felt suffocated and enclosed in my little bubble again, and that bubble for the time was keeping me safe.
I know self harm is a scary thing and something which a lot of people really don't understand the stigma attached is HUGE ... MASSIVE in fact but I'm determined to have another year, two, three, four and onwards without it being my resort to coping, but it's hard and that person who has bounced into my life I really hope they see that this is me trying - relapse is part of recovery, and I look forward to a future where anorexia may be in my life but it will be me giving other people the inspiration to move on and see that anorexia doesn't have to dominate there life. It's a horrible thing to have attached to you and yes that grip is hard to get rid of my it's worth it.
I'm not going to lie, I still have struggles with food BUT I take them in my stride, my quirky eating habits are part of me just like my other quirky ways.
There is no point in standing still and letting the world move around me, I have do move around with the world as sometimes what you want isn't always what you get but what you get might be better than what you have got.
Lets see what happens over the next few month, I suppose it can only go down or keep on going up ... I know which one I want it to be.
Rachael
xxxxx
Tuesday, 22 May 2012
On way down to London ...
Tuesday 22nd May 2012
6.28pm
So here it is the day I go Lorraine probably one of the most watched morning programs!
It's weird really I never felt this sick when I was going down to do this morning I'm guessing it was because I was going on my own and it was a whole new exciting journey!
My life now seems to dominate around the world of anorexia and body image thankfully for positive reasons now to help combat the stigma and view around those who suffer. I actually see my future working with those people who have the illness and hopefully providing hope to those who may believe there is a never a chance out of it.
My counselling course started and I'm loving it probably too much, but I don't want to be like the ones I've had in the past, the one I am currently seeing is brilliant but I'm wondering if it's because I actually want to be there?
So the past month has been pretty shocking really! I found out my YA role at WDP is going due to funding which means the young persons work I have done around disability will stop. I have agreed to finish out the talks which are already pending so not to let the schools down or as many as possibly can with the support from wdp which I know I will have.
This has led to the decisions of making a way for my own future so I'm currently looking at setting up my own venture www.journeybacktolife.co.uk I suppose it's going to be trail and error it may or may not work out but if I don't try then I'll never know and I can't keep up with this defeatist attitude (of which I was reminded today by someone extremely special to me and who I'm lucky to have in my life)
My year of no self harming came to an end with the news of my job and also because of other personal reasons but I've decided to see this as a positive and to work with it! It's no longer a dirty secret anymore I can speak to people whether they understand it or not and I have no secrets to thank for that www.nosecrets.moonfruit.com
So here I am sitting or more like squashed on a train something which I've managed to avoid since passing my driving test! Feeling sick and remembering why I'd rather not use it! I blame my OCD, at least I'm sat next to my mum and not some randomer who stinks to high heaven of piss!
On a lighter note I was told I have a nervous tic today, which has apparently resulted from my anorexia, so you can imagine the banter I've had from my dad! Also my "baby" brother celebrated his 19th birthday - he seems to have come out more normal than me!
Well I shall leave it here and hopefully you will watch Lorraine tomorrow!
Rach xxx
6.28pm
So here it is the day I go Lorraine probably one of the most watched morning programs!
It's weird really I never felt this sick when I was going down to do this morning I'm guessing it was because I was going on my own and it was a whole new exciting journey!
My life now seems to dominate around the world of anorexia and body image thankfully for positive reasons now to help combat the stigma and view around those who suffer. I actually see my future working with those people who have the illness and hopefully providing hope to those who may believe there is a never a chance out of it.
My counselling course started and I'm loving it probably too much, but I don't want to be like the ones I've had in the past, the one I am currently seeing is brilliant but I'm wondering if it's because I actually want to be there?
So the past month has been pretty shocking really! I found out my YA role at WDP is going due to funding which means the young persons work I have done around disability will stop. I have agreed to finish out the talks which are already pending so not to let the schools down or as many as possibly can with the support from wdp which I know I will have.
This has led to the decisions of making a way for my own future so I'm currently looking at setting up my own venture www.journeybacktolife.co.uk I suppose it's going to be trail and error it may or may not work out but if I don't try then I'll never know and I can't keep up with this defeatist attitude (of which I was reminded today by someone extremely special to me and who I'm lucky to have in my life)
My year of no self harming came to an end with the news of my job and also because of other personal reasons but I've decided to see this as a positive and to work with it! It's no longer a dirty secret anymore I can speak to people whether they understand it or not and I have no secrets to thank for that www.nosecrets.moonfruit.com
So here I am sitting or more like squashed on a train something which I've managed to avoid since passing my driving test! Feeling sick and remembering why I'd rather not use it! I blame my OCD, at least I'm sat next to my mum and not some randomer who stinks to high heaven of piss!
On a lighter note I was told I have a nervous tic today, which has apparently resulted from my anorexia, so you can imagine the banter I've had from my dad! Also my "baby" brother celebrated his 19th birthday - he seems to have come out more normal than me!
Well I shall leave it here and hopefully you will watch Lorraine tomorrow!
Rach xxx
Monday, 30 April 2012
Airbrushing
Monday 30th April 2012
19:13pm
So, today is the day my story is re-launched into the media light. I still don't understand how I can personally do it and stay so calm.
The reason for my story this time is airbrushing, or should I say to Ban airbrushing. To be honest, even I know this is a hard thing to do, but maybe putting it across as this hard hitting will get people talking and make people realise that actually if it really is impossible to ban then to have set rules, a logo or something to make impressionable people realise that these images are infact not real. The person in that image is being fausly advertised to the public on how they should or shouldn't look.
Airbrushing to me is a hard one, I understand why people do it but think that the extent which they do it at times is far to much. It knocks me sick to think that the picture comes out often not looking like the person who has walked into the room. Is their no such thing as natural beauty?
Anorexia is still very much misunderstood and you can see that from the comments which have been made by the public under the article which I will put on here after a long with the petition.
I still find myself looking over the negative comments and the anorexia voice telling me that I should go back or I should look thinner I should be thinner but in all honestly that's not possible and I can't allow myself to go back there, I really can't.
My life has changed round so much, my bad days are the good days I had when I was so poorly, it's strange to think that this time in 2009 I was trying to pick myself up from the pathetic 4 and a half stone which I was. I was weak, tired and really wasn't the person I wanted to be. Yet my anorexia had a massive hold me, something which I couldn't shake off or let go of.
Tomorrow I share my story to the nation I will find my self sat at Media City in Salford. Tom is coming with me, mainly because I know it might help him develop contacts and have a look at the equipment etc, but on a note just to have him there, he's never been with me when I've done any work like this so I suppose it will show him another side of me, other than just what he sees on the telly!
I will leave you with the link to the Daily Mail and also the link to the epetition.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2136948/My-anorexia-fuelled-celebrity-magazines-Victim-demands-ban-airbrushed-photographs.html
http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/31414
Love and hugs
Rachael xxxxx
Sunday, 15 April 2012
Time Passes by....
Sunday 15th April 2012
09:55am
Last week I celebrated 25 years of marriage for my mum and dad, how they have put up with each other and the shit which I have put them thorough I will never know! On their anniversary in 2007 it was the first time I was NG fed 11th April @ 11:46am, why do I remember this, because I felt more guilty that I was being forced fed on a day which mum and dad celebrated, the first time in a long time I felt guilty for having anorexia. However when lunched arrived at 12:15 those feelings went and my hatred for food returned when a cheese butty was plonked in front of me having just had 1200 calories in fortijuice put into my body thorough my nose.
That first NG feed however then got me hooked, I could gain weight without it being my fault but the nurses or those who were putting those calories into my body. 5 years later and the fear of having a tube stuck down my nose scares me, however if it meant I could have the nourishment in my body and never have to feel guilty for eating again I would do.
I'm meant to be having a check up on my acid reflux however, I can't put myself through the torture of having a camera shoved up my nose, the flash back I have even just thinking about it is enough.
Time passes by and if I hadn't have got myself sorted I would never have met tom, and be in the place which I am now. I may still resent food and wish there was another way of being able to maintain weight without having to eat but logically that can't happen. I know that.
5 years ago I was extremely poorly and allowed my anorexia to dominate my life, if was a scream in my head which was always there. Now it's a small whisper which I can most of the time ignore, which means yes I time I will allow it to win but sometimes it's safer to do that strangely enough.
2012 sees me trying to enjoy life and getting back to finding out the who I am. I don't want to be the person I was before I was ill as she was a push over and allowed people to get away with so much. I have to leave people in the past or behind with the old Rachael as I can't afford to have certain individuals as part of my future to make me vulnerable and open to the grips of my anorexia.
Time passes by and I will be the person I want to be, I can't wait to be a mummy and pass on life experience to my own children but make sure they love who they are and not make the mistakes which I did, I would feel so guilty if they picked up on my thoughts and feeling about my own body image so I have years to sort my self out.
Life is precious and I'm slowly starting to realise that xxxxx
09:55am
Last week I celebrated 25 years of marriage for my mum and dad, how they have put up with each other and the shit which I have put them thorough I will never know! On their anniversary in 2007 it was the first time I was NG fed 11th April @ 11:46am, why do I remember this, because I felt more guilty that I was being forced fed on a day which mum and dad celebrated, the first time in a long time I felt guilty for having anorexia. However when lunched arrived at 12:15 those feelings went and my hatred for food returned when a cheese butty was plonked in front of me having just had 1200 calories in fortijuice put into my body thorough my nose.
That first NG feed however then got me hooked, I could gain weight without it being my fault but the nurses or those who were putting those calories into my body. 5 years later and the fear of having a tube stuck down my nose scares me, however if it meant I could have the nourishment in my body and never have to feel guilty for eating again I would do.
I'm meant to be having a check up on my acid reflux however, I can't put myself through the torture of having a camera shoved up my nose, the flash back I have even just thinking about it is enough.
Time passes by and if I hadn't have got myself sorted I would never have met tom, and be in the place which I am now. I may still resent food and wish there was another way of being able to maintain weight without having to eat but logically that can't happen. I know that.
5 years ago I was extremely poorly and allowed my anorexia to dominate my life, if was a scream in my head which was always there. Now it's a small whisper which I can most of the time ignore, which means yes I time I will allow it to win but sometimes it's safer to do that strangely enough.
2012 sees me trying to enjoy life and getting back to finding out the who I am. I don't want to be the person I was before I was ill as she was a push over and allowed people to get away with so much. I have to leave people in the past or behind with the old Rachael as I can't afford to have certain individuals as part of my future to make me vulnerable and open to the grips of my anorexia.
Time passes by and I will be the person I want to be, I can't wait to be a mummy and pass on life experience to my own children but make sure they love who they are and not make the mistakes which I did, I would feel so guilty if they picked up on my thoughts and feeling about my own body image so I have years to sort my self out.
Life is precious and I'm slowly starting to realise that xxxxx
Sunday, 26 February 2012
What a wonderful world ...
Sunday 26th February 2012
7:46pm
6 years ago I lost one of the most precious people in my life. My Great Gran. To be perfectly honest, I wonder if people actually know how close I was to her. 6 years ago was probably when my anorexia really took over, I had already been struggling secretly for just over a year and had a CAMHS appointment due but suddenly losing control and being unable to help her keep on going was horrible. I would say the last couple of times I saw her was horrible and I hated leaving her, knowing that she didn't have much longer to live.
February to me has become a month I fear. I fear that those closest to me will leave me. My Grandad died in February when I was 6 years old but then I didn't really understand the situation. February is also the month in 2009 when I was desperate to really end my life. I really had by this time had enough. I often wonder if I had succeeded in my wish how differenced things would be now? I've been told before that if I really wanted to die then I would have succeeded but those are the people who really don't understand what it's really like. Those few weeks of my life are a complete blank and it still scares me.
My blog is titled "what a wonderful world" as it was played at my Great Gran's funeral. I never realised how much she actually loved that song, but it probably explains why she managed to watch Madeline as the song is in it!
Today I found myself at first feeling slightly sorry for myself, grief is different for so many people. I hate it when people just tell me to buck up - my whole life was turned around on this date and I hate the fact that I actually let it still wriggle away at me. I was able for once to sort of enjoy my day without actually feeling guilty. I got to see Rach and her beautiful baby boy Lewis (who I can't believe seems to get bigger and bigger and he just proves how important life is, I want that feeling to be a mum and to put all my love and care into a person, watch them grow and now that I've helped create who they have become) I then went to the grave side (in a bit of a catch 22, I was a complete mess coming away but then I would have kicked myself for not going if I'd just left it) Mum has gone out to Chester to see Phillip and Dad was watching Liverpool and to be perfect honest home isn't really the place I wanted to be, thankfully Jayne had offered her company if I needed it, so I took her up on it and we watched a film and then she made me a quirky version on Shepard's pie (vegetarian meatballs as they had no vegetarian mince in!) it was nice though! lol
It's took me 6 years to really start to keep to the promise I made to my Grannynanny, but the fact is I'm now doing her. I hope I make her proud, I really believe she is my guardian angel and has held my hand through everything.
Here is to the future and the hope that one day February might just bring me a special day to remember for a happy reason.
Rach xxx
7:46pm
6 years ago I lost one of the most precious people in my life. My Great Gran. To be perfectly honest, I wonder if people actually know how close I was to her. 6 years ago was probably when my anorexia really took over, I had already been struggling secretly for just over a year and had a CAMHS appointment due but suddenly losing control and being unable to help her keep on going was horrible. I would say the last couple of times I saw her was horrible and I hated leaving her, knowing that she didn't have much longer to live.
February to me has become a month I fear. I fear that those closest to me will leave me. My Grandad died in February when I was 6 years old but then I didn't really understand the situation. February is also the month in 2009 when I was desperate to really end my life. I really had by this time had enough. I often wonder if I had succeeded in my wish how differenced things would be now? I've been told before that if I really wanted to die then I would have succeeded but those are the people who really don't understand what it's really like. Those few weeks of my life are a complete blank and it still scares me.
My blog is titled "what a wonderful world" as it was played at my Great Gran's funeral. I never realised how much she actually loved that song, but it probably explains why she managed to watch Madeline as the song is in it!
Today I found myself at first feeling slightly sorry for myself, grief is different for so many people. I hate it when people just tell me to buck up - my whole life was turned around on this date and I hate the fact that I actually let it still wriggle away at me. I was able for once to sort of enjoy my day without actually feeling guilty. I got to see Rach and her beautiful baby boy Lewis (who I can't believe seems to get bigger and bigger and he just proves how important life is, I want that feeling to be a mum and to put all my love and care into a person, watch them grow and now that I've helped create who they have become) I then went to the grave side (in a bit of a catch 22, I was a complete mess coming away but then I would have kicked myself for not going if I'd just left it) Mum has gone out to Chester to see Phillip and Dad was watching Liverpool and to be perfect honest home isn't really the place I wanted to be, thankfully Jayne had offered her company if I needed it, so I took her up on it and we watched a film and then she made me a quirky version on Shepard's pie (vegetarian meatballs as they had no vegetarian mince in!) it was nice though! lol
It's took me 6 years to really start to keep to the promise I made to my Grannynanny, but the fact is I'm now doing her. I hope I make her proud, I really believe she is my guardian angel and has held my hand through everything.
Here is to the future and the hope that one day February might just bring me a special day to remember for a happy reason.
Rach xxx
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