feeling comfortable =]

Saturday 31st July 2010

07:37am

Last night was a very strange one! For once I felt comfortable with 'strangers' . . . okay yes i know i can't really call them strangers anymore but when you've spent so much time alone and isolated things do seem strange.

so last night i sat at the wdp quiz realising how lucky i was to be out with people, a while ago that would have freaked me out way to much, a lot of people, sitting down for about 3hrs but i actually realised how good it feels to be with people! i would have happily fell asleep on jayne!!

i feel like i have know them for longer it's so weird but i come home smiling whenever i'm with them all, the wdp lot are really like family and i'm the lickle baba!!!! =] way it should be hahaha!!!! it's a job with a difference and i love it.

my achievements last night made me so happy! I managed to sit with ppl who i didn't know but okay are friends with tom & co but still i worry that when i eat and drink the cameras will come out and facebook will be full of pictures with me eating with all the comments which i receieve when i eat when people who just see the stero typical image of anorexia, the people who are unable to see beyond what the media say!!

for once i'm able to be me =] the talkative me is coming back and i like it may annoy some people but five years of silence does something to a person!

x x x x x x x x

cHaNgE . . .

monday 23rd July 2010
6:01pm

Normally change scares the hell out of me, but recently i've come to see that it doesn't need to be all negative - people cope in different ways with it, I don't normally cope well with a change, i realised today that i have actually coped with things changing rather well!!

For once people outside my normal circle are making sure i'm looking after myself, eating, drinking, meds etc - and it's so scaring me the thought of more people taking an interest in what i'm doing or what i'm not doing at times!!

I know she won't mind me saying this but today at work went in with just hoping to eat a bit and be fine, but my darling Lynda came in and was like right i'm off for my lunch - i just smiled and nodded sort of hoping the words of "have you eaten?" wouldn't come out, but they did, normally i would be like argh nnnnooooo why did you have to ask, but this time the fact that people are now taking time to care is soo nice!! okay i probs didn't have a proper lunch but i sat in the canteen and had something - okay i could tell people were thinking that really isn't enough but for the time it was just enough for me to deal with and move on, knowing i could go back later on and get something else if i needed to!!

My 'normal' desk, which really isn't mine anyway but has been my place for the past month has now been moved =[ sad times - i was freaking out that things would be all different but it's not it's actually better, i moved my things over today so it wouldn't be strange tomorrow when i went in =] so i finally have a phone with YA and my own extention number,for once change has been good and i like it =] i can still see everyone and be as lovely as ever to people =] it's all good =] so my desk is starting to actually be mine!!

realising i'm going to be 19 has made me realise how much growing up i've done over the past year, i'd only just come out of hospital for my 18th and was still stuck in my little inpatient ways forgetting i was at home, which lots of people dont get, i wasn't used to been in an enviroment with adults if i was it was a caring profession or with other ill people! i may have been classed as an adult in years but i wasn't mentally, my illness is known to make you mentally develop slower but i think in a year i've started to catch up alot =] i still can act immature i'm allowed to! i've got to if i keep treating life so serious i'd be stuck up with no ability to see out side the box, i'm nothing special i'm just an everyday person with some issues, so what!! i accept that and so do most people! no amount of comments from people i know or randomers in the street are going to set me back! i'm not giving people the satisfaction, i'm changing as a person and i'm liking who i'm becoming, for once i'm being the real me - i'm standing up for what i believe in, you realise who you do and do not need along the way!! I've got some new wonderful and inspitational new people in my life and it makes up for the people i've had to let go of.

I'm actually pleased to say i'm starting to feel happy and not just pretending i'm talking to people more about how i feel and it helps, i'm not being looked at like some odd person, i always remember a quote on the telly "just because i'm different doesn't mean i'm not the same" and it's so true! and i'm glad people are realising that yes i may not be the most saine person in the world but lots of people are going through it, i still have emotions i just dont always express them in the right way!! I'm starting to like my me, maybe not the way I look at myself in the mirror but the difference i'm trying to make about raising awareness around disabilities in general! changing one persons life is good enough for me, but changing even more would be better =]

xxxxxxxx

nearly 19 =S . . . .

Friday 23rd July 2010

09:45am

I'm sitting here thinking that in about 2 weeks I shall be 19! but it's the past few months of my last yr that things have really started to make me realise i really do deserve to be doing the things I am. I have gained so much confidence, and have been able to let go.

I think from about May time things really started to pick up, I managed to start getting interest from the WDP reciving the odd phone call to see if i could come down for an informal chat - get to know people who I would have the 'pleasure' of working with!!! haha oj love you all really =p I did a talk for pals to drs and consultants about mental health issues to improve what 'skills' they have already on mental health! i say 'skills' for a number of reasons! They go to uni train, read out of books etc, but where is their personal experience? where is the 1:1 in which they sit down and actually talk to their patient? no tick boxes no pieces of paper just a chat, become someone who the patient can actually be honest with and not just going in talking a pile of crap saying they feel fine when they don't, it's trust they want to get out of hospital and do what they want - there is a difference between informal and 'informal' how? informal you go in, you can walk out whenever, 'informal' basically you're forced in, no section but it's there looming in the background, you try and leave you're on the floor with members of staff telling you basically you have no rights and your now on the joy of a 24hr section until you can be assessed or for a dr to up the anti and place u on a 72hr one . . . . how nice of them!

so in about 2 weeks i shall be celebrating my 19th! such a weird thought! for lots of you it's another birthday for me it means so much more, i was not believed to be at home for birthdays with my habbit of becoming another satistic on the inpatient list or was i ever thought to be alive. i'm actually trying to plan a night out, contemplating a meal out, but the thought is like so hard - work i think are getting used to my weird habbits of unable to just eat something it's picked apart etc etc but i tell myself it will stop, i will be able to just have a meal and not try and work out how many calories i have just had in something which i've considered a challange!

so what's kept me out then? for once i've had things which i've wanted to keep hold of! I've got myself back in college,with one or two little hitches/mistakes whateverbut i'm not going back if i get really ill again. I have finally got to become a b-eat ambassador, people always told me i wouldn't do it, i was to pro ana, no i was just too ill but trips to my new found love on london are keeping me rather happy! the wdp and pals work - finally they have a young person on bored who is going through the system for mental health who is willing to stand up and say something about disabilites from a mental health side! there are lots of older sufferers who are willing to stand up as i keep been told over and over, but one day i will be an 'older' sufferer and want someone who wil turn round and say i may be young but i deserve a chance in life to get good treatment and have hopes and dreams for the future!

my family especially my parents and also my nan =] letting me rant off when my day is too much, my friends =] keeping them going making them realise that things are worth it =] you know who you are =] , my new little matey at work =] Rachael!!! What would I do without you there!!!!! seriously i get the kick up the ass i need when it's food time =p "... erm you're not just having that! ... " but as she says its because she cares, i love all my other buddies there don't get me wrong =p you're all good to have a little dig at, hugs chats etc!! when i won tickets to see Toy Story Three, there was no other option of who to pick =p plus it meant i got on nose round her house =p hahaha =] .. . god i sound sooo cheesy argh well!!! i can't act all hard and scary all the time =p they have all realised not to think my innocent charms are me all over =] for once in work i can be me!! have a little freak out without people thinking why did we ask you do to this role again? having things to hold on to is amazing, a yr out means i want another yr out, small steps and not giant leaps!

college in september is still scaring me the unknown new timetable new routine - think i may just stay at home in bed! jayne what do you think? mwah hahahaha - but work is my litte new routine it lovely to go in and be able to see smiles =] . . . talking of which i better be off and gettin ready the hetic life in which i lead!!!

x x x x x x

Exec Shadowing

Tuesday 20th July 2010
9:08pm

You sit in a court room and see the world totally differently. You hear stories in the news about criminals and just take that side to the story but in a court room you hear the background and actually at times feel sorry for the person in the dock. Their life is pulled apart and it's sad, the fact that everything they say is not good enough, okay maybe at times it's not but the amount of people who walk in and have been offically diagnosed with mental health issues is so upsetting. I was shocked at how they are spoken to by solicitors, words in which if they would get called to described their issues was disgusting!

Yesterday I spent the day as what is known as the 'bubble' they were short staffed so was shoved in at the deep end! HOw I never freaked out from sitting down all day I have know idea! When my break came i literally walked round st helens to stretch my legs! you meet some people who you think omg what have you done, they look so professional but yet alcohol can cause so much trouble, a night out leading to an event which could have been prevented!

Watching a grown man cry and shake is horrible, the sensitive side of me came out and i wanted to run and give the poor thing a hug, tell him things would be okay eventually and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, my professional head came out but yet as a student i was so interested in how the reacted or didn't to when they were given conditions they had to stick to!

tomorrow is my last day there i'm gutted to be honest its a new experience which has left me confused in what to do after uni and how i can use business effectively!

mood wise i'm okish - it's hard not been in college, for most people the summer holidays is the best time 6 weeks off college what could be better! for me this is the worst time for me, trying to fill my days - hopefully things are going to be set in place for the summer and i'm not looking forward to the changes in september, i'll be a yr older, new teachers in some subjects and new timetable having to change my routine AGAIN!!!!

x x x x x

let the good times roll =p

Saturday 17th July 2010

9:27am

the thought of going out for a drink once terroifed me, although it did last night too the sick feeling was not there. i realised looking round while i was drinking how normal it was to be sitting there with a friend and for once enjoying myself and for a couple of hours just been able to relax!

with the people i have met through work i decided that i would love to do something with them all for m birthday so it looks like planning will have to be done to help them celebrate the baby of the groups birthday, well in the office =p for once i was wanting to do something outside of the box with the safety and security of just my family, this year i have friends, it sounds so weird i know but these are people who i have not made through inpatients stays - dont get me wrong my buddies from units are fab and i wouldn't be able to cope without my best friend and dragging each other through!!

i was planning my future with hope and wanting to do it, wanting to be alive and setting my plans out for the future, yes i still want to do business management at uni but i want to use it to be able to set up something of my own to help others, although nothing could beat the work of the WDP it would be nice to transfer the skills i will learn from them and still be able to work with them in the future. when you look round the office and the building you see how much of a difference they are making to peoples lives - you walk into the showroom and see people proud of been able to find something which will make them that little bit more independant, although my role there is only temp i will be working my ass off to ensure that i prove how important having a ya is, someone there to speak for the younger people who are maybe to scared or not know how, how they should but thing across - for once my anorexia and the rest of my issues are doing good and not causing as much pain and suffering to my family, i still get nagged and reminded to eat and concerns over weight or lack of it depending on how you look at it - but now i'm more than just my anorexia for once i'm becoming a new rachael - seeing life is worth living, so like i say . . . let the good times roll!

start of my summer holidays and what a start

Tuesday 13th July 2010

7:03pm

Today it was final, I had completed a year of college my first year in 3 years! How i managed it, i really don't know but i'm glad i've done it.

It may not have ended how i would have liked it, but better than i could have expected - i left wanting to go home and just hurt myself, but my angel at the WDP saved me and allowed to me to go into work and it was the medication i needed! I was greated with smiles, hugs and a comfiting talk which made me realise starting work with the wdp was the best thing to do! I was scared the first time i went to look round have a chat and meet the staff, it's such a blur but now they are like a second family! Adults, adults who understand me it's great and they believe in my smile! (i hope those from work understand that bit!) i feel safe there, something i was scared i would never do with people i didn't know, but i can be me - i can shine and make people see my potential in life!

i will leave my sloppy blog here about my new found love for making a difference and for being wanted because i'm so determined to make a difference - i refuse to allow others to go through the system as badly as i have - i am a worthwhile person as i have been told a million times this afternoon and will mostly probably be told again and again! as much as i wish my illness had not come i'm glad it did as i can stand up and help others who may be to scared to fight

x x x x x

. . . . . . this is it =]

Monday 12th July 2010
8:47pm

About a 2 years ago today i sat in college watching a ucas talk from college, sat there thinking that in a yr i would be in uni able to get on with life with no one making me eat and i could live of nothing just be a student and live off basically my unhealthy obsession to be a perfectionist - i look back now and think what the hell was i playing at there is no way i would have made it through uni life!! I sat in the hall today bored out my skull you would never believe it, i had heard the talk but yet in the back of my head i was reflecting on the pst couple of dangerous years of my life! ucas was a dream i was never believed to have ever have had the chance to get to uni if i was still alive and now i'm sitting there that knowing this time next year i could be on my way i could hopefully be at uni more importantly on a better path of my life! Due to me sitting the rotation classes 2 yrs ago i was able to go home and just reflect on the presentation and the traumatic experience of writing my personal statment! those who know me will know that i have a certain font, size and way of doing things so new roman is a no no plus then having to be given draft after draft back will send me into an OCD perfectionist attack which is why i think the head of college is looking after mine! she can cope with my little paddies unlike some staff who look terrified when i fly off because my work was perfect when i did it and was just so and now it has unneeded bits of work which is in it but it was needed for me!!!

so i think back to what i have done and freak i dart to the college office like some mad ass fly and just flap about how much i haven't done i will be the worst applicant ucas will ever have and no one will ever want a crazy person with my history on their uni campus, i don't think it had helped that i'd annoyed myself over a certain diet suppliment and i realised how much of a crazy ass i was! i suppose my jealousy took over that people do diet and if i even mention the d word i'm screwed but hey there is a way to do it and well i'll stop here as i'll rant like a flipping prat and annoy everyone and myself!

i sit here now more determined to get to uni study business and get to where i want to be in life, teaching other people wheather this is children in schools or adults in a work place making them realise that life is a business and raising awareness is crucial, i hope that my business skills will help me run a successful company making the voices of everyone be heard or helping a business such as the WDP get the credit they deserve! my life is my future and for once i'm dreaming! i refuse to let those who have let me down keep dragging me back, my life is now x x x x x