30 Day Challenge - Day 4

Sunday 31st August 2014
05:28pm

Day 4

What are the pros and cons of having a mental illness(es) or your specific illness(es)?

Wow! Truthfully that is a hard one for pros.

I suppose I would say you become more understanding and more interested in other mental health issues, and to be honest I have met some fantastic friends through the mental health system so I suppose I could had that on.

Cons - Sadly stigma is still huge and that's not just from people who have only just met me and found out.  I've also had in from "friends" and family.  Comments like "snap out of it" "just eat" "attention seeking" I could go on if I'm honest.  I do struggle as well in social situations but then I thankfully have a great support network.  I think because my mental health issues started at school and there was no education around mental health kids are less tolerant and understanding unless they have been through it or know someone close, although even then I remember been accused of copying someone who was going though a similar thing, I wanted to be like them (I didn't want to be here at all never mind start trying to be someone else).  I am at the opinion on I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy although it would be interesting to see how they would cope on a daily basis with the thoughts I have, as they "walk a mile in my shoes"

I do wish at time I could be spontaneous and just go out for a meal or agree to go out with people on a snap decision, things need to be planned, I struggle to eat with "new" people only due to experiences with people trying to take my photo while I'm eating to prove I do it.  Yes I do it but I hate my photo been taken on something which I consider very private.

Rach  x

30 Day Mental Health Blog Challenge - Day 3

Saturday 30th 2014
10:44am

Day 3: What treatment or coping skills are most effective for you?

To begin with I was really reluctant with treatment.  I really believed that there was nothing wrong with me and that everyone was worrying for nothing.  In 2009 I was introduced to DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy) which is designed to help people change patterns of behavior that are not effective, such as self-harm, suicidal thinking and substance abuse. DBT works towards helping increase emotional and cognitive regulation by learning about the triggers.  The course was in Chester and I was finding the travelling stressful and was starting to struggle with having to cope with redoing college and taking time out to go to Chester.  College were really supportive but I think my paranoia took over and I was worried that the staff thought I was just messing them around.  I'd already been in and out of college due to inpatient stays the first time round.

I'm now on a waiting list for therapy through my local NHS mental health treatment team (I've been on this for 1 year 21 days - not that I'm counting or annoyed about it or anything!) So I've had to try and do things by myself with the support of friends and family.

When I lived with mum and dad my safe place at the time was going to a friends house, now I'm living on my own I still go to that friends house but slowly have been able to see my mum and dad's house as safe.  The reason I struggled to see my parent house as "safe" was only due to the fact I could only see the years of been ill and struggling, where I hid food, argued and for some reason couldn't see it from before that, all the happy memories of growing up and other occasions.

Other things which help me cope are my friend's children, they are growing up so quickly and I want to be part of their lives, and want to be able to show them that no matter what life throws at you, you can find the strength to carry on, my car, my cats, my parents and brother, and my friends.  I've learnt I've got to talk, I've got to try and be as honest as possible.  I do have my off days and all of this goes out the window but I have to get in the mind set that tomorrow is a new day.

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 2

Friday 29th August 2014
11:22am

Day 2: How do you feel about your diagnosis?

Like I said yesterday my anorexia diagnosis seemed to be easier to accept and other people seemed to understand that a little bit more.  BPD however, well I'm glad that I have a diagnosis to behaviors I knew didn't really fit in with my diagnosis with anorexia.  It does hurt though other people's reaction around BPD, and I know I shouldn't let that affect me but sadly it does, especially when it comes to "professionals" having a negative view of it as well.

I know many people talk about the negative impact a "label" can have on people, but sometimes it can actually be more useful and answer so many questions. 

Rach x

30 Day Mental Health Blog Challenge - Day 1

Thursday 28th August 2014
10:30am

So a few people have been doing a blog called the 30 day mental health blog challenge, so here we go.

Day 1 - What is/are your mental illness(es)? Explain it a little.

Where do I start?!

My official diagnosis are Anorexia Nervosa and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) , both of these are then linked to my depression, anxiety and self harm.

I suppose I've noticed more people struggle with my diagnosis of BPD due to the stigma which is attached to it.  I suppose it took me a while to accept it myself, once I had accepted it I was desperate for other people to see that and so it hurt me when others didn't.

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So on another note, I'm actually looking forward to September and my normal routine can begin again.  As much as I'm nervous about going back to uni, I suppose I owe it to myself to prove so many people wrong.  With the work I'm doing with fixers this should help combat some stigma and hopefully change the attitudes I faced at the end of last term. I have a great "support worker" as such at uni and to be honest it's good that I have someone that I can go to, outside of class.  I think some people struggle with the idea that doing a counselling course and having a tutor who is qualified I should be able to go there, but that's not always the case.  It was the same in college, I could confide more in the people who weren't seeing me each morning in registration or in class.  The head of college was amazing and I really couldn't fault the support she gave me and the time she took to understand.  With the diagnosis of BPD it made sense why I am the way I am with the relationships I form with people.

I'm really hoping that once my routine kicks in my mood will improve and I have something to focus on again each day, other than trying to find something to do and needing an excuse to leave the flat (sad I know).

Tonight is the last home game for Warrington Wolves of the season and due to my usual buddy this season sunning himself I've asked my brother to come and keep me company.  I hate crowds and obviously the rugby isn't the ideal place but the Wolves kept me going when I was receiving treatment from my anorexia.  Any matches I could watch I would watch, it was my reminder of home without feeling to annoyed with not being home (if that makes any sense) As long as I'm with someone who knows me and can see when I starting to get on a high or low I seem to be able to get through, I can get my frustration out and put myself into the game.  I'm not a sporty person at all and I don't want to come across that I completely understand all the rules of the game, but for me it's a bit of normality.  Every now and again there are a few surprises which I've not prepared myself for.  So I suppose I have Warrington Wolves in away to help me put myself in a situation I'd much rather not be in, but each game is a step in the right direction no matter if we win or lose!

Rach x

Hands on the clock only turn one way

Sunday 24th August 2014
03:11pm

So I tried doing to separate blogs one for JBL and then this one, but to be honest it just to far to complicated and so I've decided to just stick to the one mixing in what is going on with JBL and also what's going on from my own personal situation.

Last blogged officially in March (eek)

So what's gone on then, well rather a lot.  I suppose the biggest barrier I've had to over come is the stigma attached around my own abilities due to the fact I have a diagnosed psychiatric illness.This sadly came from college.  I'm studying a Foundation Degree in Counselling and how I am in the classroom apparently in someway shows how I would be in a counselling room and I could also be affected by what people bring.  The way I see it is all counselors will be touched by something which is why we have supervision.

Through JBL I come in contact with many people who have been affected by something similar to myself, if I really couldn't cope believe me I'd say and I wouldn't be able to be involved with JBL as much as I'd like.  I was heartbroken to hear how this decision had been made based on my diagnosis and how I am in a classroom setting.  My last years of high school and then college were not what I'd call enjoyable, very quickly people became aware of how "crazy" I was and I was sent horrific messages at times.  Hence my wary of  educational settings no matter how old my class mates may be.  I would like to think my work with JBL is professional when it needs to be.

With this I decided to start awareness around Borderline Personality Disorder, so far it's going well.  I'm so thankful that people have shown me the support with this project.  I say it a lot but I really am not ashamed of having mental health issues, what is shameful is the stigma that is still placed around it.  This has been shown through the sad passing of Robin Williams.

Robin Williams was known to suffer from depression but just not to the extent the public found out sadly last week.  The way in which is was reported was shameful and some of the stories I found triggering.  Some papers talked in detail about how he ended his life with others questioning what he had to be so depressed about. So what he was rich and funny  but that doesn't make someone less likely to suffer from mental health issues.  So many people have said he should have been able to get the help because he was so rich would then would have allowed him to snap out of it. You have to want help before you can seek it and then there is policies in the way of that if you do want it.

On so many occasions I've been told to snap out of it or pull myself together.  On my darkest days I so wish I could.  I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy, although then at times I just think if you could spend just one day in my shoes to see what it is really like on a bad day.  I'm lucky that the family and friends I do still have around me are understanding but I know they to also struggle at times to understand why I'm so desperate to end it all.  I've had to let people go who don't understand who have made it obvious that they don't want me around because of the fact I struggle in certain situations.  Those who have took the time to ask questions and find out about how they can help do their up most to help and I am thankful, even if at times I don't show it.

JBL has done a couple of fundraisers which have gone really well and I hope they have raised awareness about what we offer.  We did an event in Northwich on Friday which was brilliant ran by Cheshire CIL and I was also able to use by Young DPULO Ambassador hat talking to many young people about what we did and about the upcoming Young Ambassador Community Challenge.

I've been living independently for over a year now and Tilly and I were joined by Winnie who is now 4 months and a great friend for Tilly, I really am turning into a crazy cat lady, if the flat was bigger I would be like the lady of the Simpsons who actually walks round with them attached to her!

I am hoping to be a better blogger from now on with only having to worry about one blog!

Rach x xx

7 months on ...

Monday 24th March 2014
12:02pm

A good friend of mine mentioned the other day that I hadn't blogged for a while.  Didn't realise it had been 7 months!

So what's been happening!?

I started my Foundation Degree Course in Counselling (eek!!)  Honestly it started off rocky, I think I had my BPD head on for a while, trying to protect myself and knowing that I'd be with these people for the next three years of my life.  The last time I was in a class environment lasting longer than a year was school.  I managed to do a lot of independent study when I went back to college after my OD in 2009 but even that wasn't the best experience.  I was still being prodded and poked around the decision of "does she has a personality disorder or is she Bipolar?"  So it's been a very scary time, but thankfully the class I am with are lovely and we're all panicking over assignments and tapes, best bit of all it's a small class *high 5*

JBL is going really well, slow but steady which is working well for me as I can decide on what I do and when I do it with no pressure.  I can't wait to graduate so I can include counselling into JBL.

I've come on a lot the past few months.  I've opened up a lot more to my parents about triggers and I suppose the world of Rachael, so know it's getting the help to put what I'm ready to talk about into action. We've had a lot of fighting with services to try and get something more in place as I am worried if things don't sort out soon I will become the person I don't want to see again. Thing about opening up is you need someone to help sort it out with you and sieve through everything.

So what else has happened, I've nearly been in my flat a year, I have 3 new babies in my life (not mine, but works out better get the hugs and feeds but no so much the dirty nappies and sleepless nights) and most importantly the rugby season has started all over again.

With a relapse it's important to see what is positive still but you need to see it.  There is no point other people telling you as to be honest you don't listen it's just the reassuring nod that you're listening.  I know the positive influences in my life and I'm getting rid when I can of the negative ones.  Recovery isn't easy but it's worth it, I would rather be on my recovery path and have a blip then be just on a relapse path and not notice the positives and keep sinking quicker to rock bottom.

The big question I'm still asked is do you think you will ever fully recover?  Honestly ... no, but I do think I can manage my symptoms.  My ways of coping I suppose will never be deemed "normal" which under the medical model will keep me classed as having a mental health problem, however, if society accepted that I cope by restricting my intake to cope rather than cracking open a bottle of wine after a stressful day then I wonder would things be different.  I'm not okaying what I do but it's just something for you to think about, how do you cope?

Life can only move forward, I can't change the past but I can learn from my mistakes and each relapse.

Rach x x x

When the mind goes into over drive!

Thursday 1st August 2013

08:01am

Don't know if anyone has been watching the BBC documentaries around mental health? They have been so interesting and eye opening - if you haven't watched them they're on BBCiplayer.

So they got me thinking!

Ever since I can remember I wanted to fit in and just please everyone without standing out just getting on with what ever I needed to do to just slot in. Why? Because I found relationships so hard to build and to be able to trust people. It wasn't until I entered the mental health system that this actually was associated to Borderline Personality Disorder.

When I first got ill I remember been accused of wanting to be like someone else who also had been diagnosed an ED when in fact I wanted nothing of the sort I wanted to just curl up in a corner and not be seen - I wanted to just fade away, I didn't want to be here let alone try and be someone else.

From being so desperate to fit in I'd gone to just wanting to be invisible. Now 21 I wonder how the way I was portrayed while at school those 14/15 year olds attitudes has changed. What scares me is other students in my year who were also suffering and have since been in contact  from mental health issues would not ask for help due to the stick I was receiving.

I've accepted that having mental health is part of me but I'm using my journey to help others. We need to talk about mental health and not be scared to ask questions, sadly it will always be around and if we don't talk attitudes will never change. You can't see I have mental health issues which commented on but I wonder what should I look like?

Getting up in the morning is a massive step - though I'm not one to stay in bed in all day no matter how depressed I'm feeling I won't leave the house or contact people, I have my techniques to keep me motivated which always helps.

Although not at the point being permanently suicidal anymore I have my days where I contemplate what if. I'm lucky that my mental health is as under control as what it can be and I'm at a stage where I'm willing to take on therapy and battle those demons. 

I just hope attitudes will change and are changing around mental health. 

Rach x x x