Sunday 14th August 2011
9:43am
Finally 20!!
My birthday was great, well apart from not being able to eat at Nandos because of the riots!!
Was able to have a nice lie in and be greeted with texts and Facebook messages :) always makes me laugh when I have about 20 notifications in one log in but love it at the same time, so thanks to everyone who wished me happy birthday.
Work was great, took in cakes, our unwritten rule when it's your birthday, and they seemed to go down well, was rather gutted when I went back in to see if my favourites were left (lemon flavoured ones) and they had all gone! Thankfully I'd already allowed myself to have one, but that second one was calling me later on in the day!! I got more cards at work and some presents too :) Was great to be met in town for a quick lunch by Lou and Jayne.
Later on I went back into town with the hope to go in Nandos, however, due to the scum bags who had been looting shops around the country they had closed early along with many of the restaurants in town. Instead we went for a meal at the looking glass with Tom and my mum and dad, to be greeted with more presents and cards. My ring off Tom is lovely and I have to admit he does have good taste and is obviously seeing what I like and don't like (actually get to know me) ... Mum and dad got me a Pandora charm, well I'm guessing mum did as I'm sure Dad wouldn't know a Pandora charm if it hit him in the face!!! Got loads of other nice things too :) I love birthday's, I always have done and hope I don't become one of these people who hates the thought of turning another year older. I suppose my birthdays have extra meanings, I proved those stupid doctors wrong who said I'd have died before my 18th and given me no hope what so ever for the future.
So I've entered into a new decade and I can't wait to see what it has to throw at me, already I've been tested. I've decided that I really need to properly fight for some therapy, I've started to realise my triggers more than ever for which spiral me into my deeper episodes of depression, so I look forward to having some professional advice on how these situations, not all which can be avoided can be dealt with.
I spent my teenage years and before that constantly been thrown criticism, whether over my height, size, shape, appearance, how I spend my time, my interest, how different I am to do others (negatively) ... and god knows what else and I've had enough it turned me into the sensitive person who become severely ill with anorexia and depression. That anorexia and depression has made me see that I need to start sticking up for me, stop hiding away and caring what people think about me. It's not going to be easy but it's got to be done - sick of been treated like a bag of shit and feeling like my opinion counts for nothing. It's the whole argument over the nature / nurture debate which will be looked at again once I get that extra support, but I tell you I'm more than willing to open up now, I'm ready to share what is going on in my head and finally let my demons go! Some of my triggers I know will be hard to forget, each year on certain dates the need to want to hide myself away will be there.
So here's to a decade which is going to properly shape me, make me the strong willed person that I want to be ....
Rach
xxxxxx
Sunday, 14 August 2011
Monday, 8 August 2011
last day of being a teen ...
Monday 8th August 2011
12:57pm
I suppose today is really an end of an era. I can finally leave my teens and enter the proper world of adulthood! Although at 18 you're classed as an adult, there doesn't seem to be that recognition for actually being an adult. Which is why I think I'm looking forward so much to being 20.
If I look back properly over the past 6 years, my teens haven't really brought me what a lot of young girls want from that. Its took me a lot longer to understand myself and grow into who I am. My teens have been dominated by anorexia, depression, self harm, self loath, anxiety and god knows what else. It's a part of my life I want to leave behind for the illness, but the part of my life which I need to be talking about to help others.
I find it really weird. Everyone will tell me that lots of good things happened too but my anorexia has always been there. Obviously over the past few years the anorexia has grown weaker in but it's still there and I know it is - I'm not stupid and I know I have a way to go, but it's all part of the journey.
So being 20 presents to me so many new opportunities ... I've been in my own place for a month now, but still relying obviously on extended care to help with things which is good for me :) I know when I need help! I'm going to start properly believing who I am I've got too! After all being 20 isn't going to be the complete new me but I feel like I have a new start with a fresh 10 years a head :)
So I think I'm in for a lazy and relaxing day :) a load of DVDs a head :) and then a drive later with my Dad ...
ROLL ON TOMORROW
xxxxxxx
12:57pm
I suppose today is really an end of an era. I can finally leave my teens and enter the proper world of adulthood! Although at 18 you're classed as an adult, there doesn't seem to be that recognition for actually being an adult. Which is why I think I'm looking forward so much to being 20.
If I look back properly over the past 6 years, my teens haven't really brought me what a lot of young girls want from that. Its took me a lot longer to understand myself and grow into who I am. My teens have been dominated by anorexia, depression, self harm, self loath, anxiety and god knows what else. It's a part of my life I want to leave behind for the illness, but the part of my life which I need to be talking about to help others.
I find it really weird. Everyone will tell me that lots of good things happened too but my anorexia has always been there. Obviously over the past few years the anorexia has grown weaker in but it's still there and I know it is - I'm not stupid and I know I have a way to go, but it's all part of the journey.
So being 20 presents to me so many new opportunities ... I've been in my own place for a month now, but still relying obviously on extended care to help with things which is good for me :) I know when I need help! I'm going to start properly believing who I am I've got too! After all being 20 isn't going to be the complete new me but I feel like I have a new start with a fresh 10 years a head :)
So I think I'm in for a lazy and relaxing day :) a load of DVDs a head :) and then a drive later with my Dad ...
ROLL ON TOMORROW
xxxxxxx
Monday, 25 July 2011
1 year on ....
Monday 25th July 2011
9:11pm
Well what can I say! So much has happened within a year, and I'm still in shock. Going out with Tom has definitely changed me a lot, for the better of course. I love the fact that I'm actually able to smile and mean it.
The house move has gone well, still little bits which I want to do but I'm really settled, sleeping like a log and desperate for a lie in! Not like me at all, but it's been so lovely not to be woken up my banging doors or any other unwanted noise.
Work has been going well, the school visits have shot up and the plans for 2011 / 2012 are looking well for school bookings. Now DAD has finished it's now the plans for the 20th anniversary and the Positive Action Awards. Last year they were amazing and it was another big event which I enjoyed so much.
So I found out that I've past college and I'm really chuffed, still really impressed with myself as never thought I would really amount to anything going through college, those distinctions were definitely worth it.
My eating disorder is still rearing it's ugly head at times but I'm coping :) looking forward to my birthday and can't wait to turn 20 - probably too much!!
So one year on I've moved out, managed to put up with Tom and still out of hospital :) Life is looking good and this journey back to life isn't actually too bad!!!
Rach
xxxx
9:11pm
Well what can I say! So much has happened within a year, and I'm still in shock. Going out with Tom has definitely changed me a lot, for the better of course. I love the fact that I'm actually able to smile and mean it.
The house move has gone well, still little bits which I want to do but I'm really settled, sleeping like a log and desperate for a lie in! Not like me at all, but it's been so lovely not to be woken up my banging doors or any other unwanted noise.
Work has been going well, the school visits have shot up and the plans for 2011 / 2012 are looking well for school bookings. Now DAD has finished it's now the plans for the 20th anniversary and the Positive Action Awards. Last year they were amazing and it was another big event which I enjoyed so much.
So I found out that I've past college and I'm really chuffed, still really impressed with myself as never thought I would really amount to anything going through college, those distinctions were definitely worth it.
My eating disorder is still rearing it's ugly head at times but I'm coping :) looking forward to my birthday and can't wait to turn 20 - probably too much!!
So one year on I've moved out, managed to put up with Tom and still out of hospital :) Life is looking good and this journey back to life isn't actually too bad!!!
Rach
xxxx
Saturday, 16 July 2011
too long!!
Saturday 16th July 2011
8:36pm
Well you can say it's been too long since I last blogged. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing. So much stuff has happened and for a while my anorexia sort of became my friend again.
WHY?
Well basically I decided to weigh myself, I hadn't done it for ages and they were just there, literally screaming at me, so I got on and then stared at the numbers for ages and those numbers for a while doomed over me. This then allowed me to lose some weight and start to feel a little better about myself. I know people could tell, I supposed I liked it in a way, that's the one thing about anorexia which I love to hate, and really can't explain why.
I've moved out of my mum and dad's and ventured into the world of renting a room. However, this has meant that I have had to start the dreaded food diary once again but luckily that does not have to include a mood bit ... gladly, as I think I would depress anyone reading it!
Disability Awareness Day was last weekend, and once again it was amazing. I was able to be a steward and look after the goings on with the PULSE sponsored walk. I suppose I can't really say much which will really show how good and interesting the day actually is.
Overall at the moment my anorexia is stable, talking about my illness in schools is helping a lot but then I always struggle to find that courage to eat after, I sort of think about how amazing at times I found it being there, having those photos taken. But then you look at my eyes and there is no sparkle Rachael isn't there but some monster looking out of them. I suppose though due to how ill I was there will always be a small bit of me which will look back and wonder what life would be like if I hadn't bothered of actually taking the proper step into getting better.
I'm a healthier weight now, BMI not where people want it but it's not exactly where I want it either! I've started to think if I was a lower weight I'd still hate my weight and want to be lower but I would be in hospital, at least at the weight I am now I can live my life at home and be happy with the people around me and that risk goes of being admitted at any time.
Life is odd and I know that, I can take people joking about my illness and what I eat but I have safe food. The thought of eating meat ever again just doesn't even enter my mind, people want me to eat it but it's not going to happen. I still need the support around me.
So for now this is me, getting ready to finally get out of my "teens" and enter my twenties. I'm sort of expecting all the crap and mental health business to leave me on the 9th august and I'll be all fine and well, but I know I'm kidding myself, I can live in hope!!
I hope those of you who do read this are actually seeing that recovery isn't actually all fine and perfect it's hard but it is possible, I will get there.
Rach
xxxxxxx
8:36pm
Well you can say it's been too long since I last blogged. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing. So much stuff has happened and for a while my anorexia sort of became my friend again.
WHY?
Well basically I decided to weigh myself, I hadn't done it for ages and they were just there, literally screaming at me, so I got on and then stared at the numbers for ages and those numbers for a while doomed over me. This then allowed me to lose some weight and start to feel a little better about myself. I know people could tell, I supposed I liked it in a way, that's the one thing about anorexia which I love to hate, and really can't explain why.
I've moved out of my mum and dad's and ventured into the world of renting a room. However, this has meant that I have had to start the dreaded food diary once again but luckily that does not have to include a mood bit ... gladly, as I think I would depress anyone reading it!
Disability Awareness Day was last weekend, and once again it was amazing. I was able to be a steward and look after the goings on with the PULSE sponsored walk. I suppose I can't really say much which will really show how good and interesting the day actually is.
Overall at the moment my anorexia is stable, talking about my illness in schools is helping a lot but then I always struggle to find that courage to eat after, I sort of think about how amazing at times I found it being there, having those photos taken. But then you look at my eyes and there is no sparkle Rachael isn't there but some monster looking out of them. I suppose though due to how ill I was there will always be a small bit of me which will look back and wonder what life would be like if I hadn't bothered of actually taking the proper step into getting better.
I'm a healthier weight now, BMI not where people want it but it's not exactly where I want it either! I've started to think if I was a lower weight I'd still hate my weight and want to be lower but I would be in hospital, at least at the weight I am now I can live my life at home and be happy with the people around me and that risk goes of being admitted at any time.
Life is odd and I know that, I can take people joking about my illness and what I eat but I have safe food. The thought of eating meat ever again just doesn't even enter my mind, people want me to eat it but it's not going to happen. I still need the support around me.
So for now this is me, getting ready to finally get out of my "teens" and enter my twenties. I'm sort of expecting all the crap and mental health business to leave me on the 9th august and I'll be all fine and well, but I know I'm kidding myself, I can live in hope!!
I hope those of you who do read this are actually seeing that recovery isn't actually all fine and perfect it's hard but it is possible, I will get there.
Rach
xxxxxxx
Monday, 13 June 2011
flying by ....
Monday 13th June 2011
10:09pm
It's weird to think how quickly time goes by. I've nearly been out of hospital two years and been a staff member at WDP for a year.
My anorexia seems to be under control but then again I find myself so often having that moment where food really doesn't interest me what so ever, and I would happily go back to living an anorexic life - this is all part of the journey I know that. Medication is medication, Fluoxetine could be a box of paracetamol at times, doesn't really feel like anything other than preventing a terrible day, which I can normally see coming.
I know there are some people out there who probably disagree completely, but they help me - whether this is psychological, I really don't care, they can help prevent a server episode of depression.
I'm so happy where I am at the moment, life seems really simple compared to a couple of years ago. I feel wanted for all the right reasons, people now stare at me because they can't believe how far I've come or the fact that I'm the same person who is in the pictures. The skeletal girl, staring blankly into the camera, hoping that someone soon would let her go. I'm now wanting to stay put for as long as possible, raising awareness, despite my bad days.
I've realised I can't mope forever, I've go to stay strong keep talking and have the confidence to say what I believe in.
Rach
xxxx
10:09pm
It's weird to think how quickly time goes by. I've nearly been out of hospital two years and been a staff member at WDP for a year.
My anorexia seems to be under control but then again I find myself so often having that moment where food really doesn't interest me what so ever, and I would happily go back to living an anorexic life - this is all part of the journey I know that. Medication is medication, Fluoxetine could be a box of paracetamol at times, doesn't really feel like anything other than preventing a terrible day, which I can normally see coming.
I know there are some people out there who probably disagree completely, but they help me - whether this is psychological, I really don't care, they can help prevent a server episode of depression.
I'm so happy where I am at the moment, life seems really simple compared to a couple of years ago. I feel wanted for all the right reasons, people now stare at me because they can't believe how far I've come or the fact that I'm the same person who is in the pictures. The skeletal girl, staring blankly into the camera, hoping that someone soon would let her go. I'm now wanting to stay put for as long as possible, raising awareness, despite my bad days.
I've realised I can't mope forever, I've go to stay strong keep talking and have the confidence to say what I believe in.
Rach
xxxx
Sunday, 29 May 2011
feelings of losing control ...
Sunday 29th May 2011
06:49am
A while since I last blogged!
I've had a lovely week in Zante with my boyfriend Tom and had the most perfect time. I managed to sleep and appreciate what I have around me and the extra support which I've been getting leading up to the holiday. Seeing Dolphins and turtles was perfect, especially being able to see the Dolphins on mine and Tom's 10 months just added to the day.
Once home the routine sort of changed really quickly. I had a night at home before a night at Tom's due to Warrington Disability Partnership's monthly quiz, and I suppose it was at the quiz that I started to notice more that something wasn't right. I was feeling lost and paranoid, despite the fact being surrounded with some of my favourite people.
I'd been into Warrington town centre earlier in the day to get some bits and my heart was racing, I felt sick and I don't think I sweated as much is Zante as I did while I was in town. Things just seemed very weird. I'd had a lovely week away with just Tom in a very quite part of Zante and here I was terrified of bumping into people I knew or being looked at, I hoped I could turn invisible and not be able to be seen. I was heading to Tom's so got on the bus and things seemed a little better, mainly because the bus was very empty!
I get like this at times, I forget how recovery isn't all plain sailing. I thought it would be really easy. It's not just the eating though which I have to sort out it's my attitude to life, who I am and the thoughts which go round my head - I have to sort of categories them into what is rational and not, however there does come a point where I will say it out loud hoping someone will tell me if it is rational or not. I hoped that by December 2010 I would be off my anti-depressants, but it's times like this when I realise how important it is to take them. I dread to think what my thoughts would be like if I had took myself off them.
Yesterday, was another trip to town, with Tom this time! And although he was there my thoughts were still rather mixed up and I was terrified of losing him round town, if he went off for a bit I muttered to myself till he was back (I probably looked really crazy but to be honest at that time I felt it!) These are the times when I become really clingy, if it wasn't Tom there it would have been my mum, Jayne or someone else I would be clinging on to with dear life! I got through the trip to town and managed to get home on the bus.
When I was in my room was when my thoughts really started to spin. My head was jumbled and I honestly thought I was going to self harm. It was one of the worst feelings ever, I had Tom's voice in my head as I know how much he hates it and it scares me shitless that I will lose him if I did. In my head though self harm seemed like the best answer, one cut would be enough I was sure of it, although really one cut would have turned into my entire arm been shredded and I really didn't want that. Not while I've been doing so well not doing it. I suppose though this was the lowest I've felt for a long time. I've not rocked like I did for a good while or been so adamant that I needed to self harm and it was the only way to get me though as the relief I always knew helped. Irrational thought I know, but when I'm in that state anything seems like a good idea - my mum looked scared while I was like this tears streaming down my face but she's seen me worse. I don't see how anorexia can do this to me, it should be the food right? Wrong! Anorexia is due to your emotions, I think if self harm wouldn't have worked my hatred with food would have reared it's ugly head and my spiral may well have started again.
I know this blog probably seems really bad but it's a good thing that I can openly tell people this. This is exactly why I blog publicly as well as privately. I was to some people look healthy (people who know me well know I still need to gain more weight) and I can't possibly still be struggling with my eating disorder but I am. There are days when I wish I could get away without eating anything and dread lunch and tea time but I pull through. Life is complicated and confusing, even more so when you have mental health issues and don't 100% understand your illness yourself!
As you can see by the time I started blogging, sleep isn't the best at the moment! Been up and down all night, so I think I should be off to watch some TV before I get ready to go and do the Going the Extra Mile Kayak for Disability Awareness Day 2011!!
Love
Rach
xxx
06:49am
A while since I last blogged!
I've had a lovely week in Zante with my boyfriend Tom and had the most perfect time. I managed to sleep and appreciate what I have around me and the extra support which I've been getting leading up to the holiday. Seeing Dolphins and turtles was perfect, especially being able to see the Dolphins on mine and Tom's 10 months just added to the day.
Once home the routine sort of changed really quickly. I had a night at home before a night at Tom's due to Warrington Disability Partnership's monthly quiz, and I suppose it was at the quiz that I started to notice more that something wasn't right. I was feeling lost and paranoid, despite the fact being surrounded with some of my favourite people.
I'd been into Warrington town centre earlier in the day to get some bits and my heart was racing, I felt sick and I don't think I sweated as much is Zante as I did while I was in town. Things just seemed very weird. I'd had a lovely week away with just Tom in a very quite part of Zante and here I was terrified of bumping into people I knew or being looked at, I hoped I could turn invisible and not be able to be seen. I was heading to Tom's so got on the bus and things seemed a little better, mainly because the bus was very empty!
I get like this at times, I forget how recovery isn't all plain sailing. I thought it would be really easy. It's not just the eating though which I have to sort out it's my attitude to life, who I am and the thoughts which go round my head - I have to sort of categories them into what is rational and not, however there does come a point where I will say it out loud hoping someone will tell me if it is rational or not. I hoped that by December 2010 I would be off my anti-depressants, but it's times like this when I realise how important it is to take them. I dread to think what my thoughts would be like if I had took myself off them.
Yesterday, was another trip to town, with Tom this time! And although he was there my thoughts were still rather mixed up and I was terrified of losing him round town, if he went off for a bit I muttered to myself till he was back (I probably looked really crazy but to be honest at that time I felt it!) These are the times when I become really clingy, if it wasn't Tom there it would have been my mum, Jayne or someone else I would be clinging on to with dear life! I got through the trip to town and managed to get home on the bus.
When I was in my room was when my thoughts really started to spin. My head was jumbled and I honestly thought I was going to self harm. It was one of the worst feelings ever, I had Tom's voice in my head as I know how much he hates it and it scares me shitless that I will lose him if I did. In my head though self harm seemed like the best answer, one cut would be enough I was sure of it, although really one cut would have turned into my entire arm been shredded and I really didn't want that. Not while I've been doing so well not doing it. I suppose though this was the lowest I've felt for a long time. I've not rocked like I did for a good while or been so adamant that I needed to self harm and it was the only way to get me though as the relief I always knew helped. Irrational thought I know, but when I'm in that state anything seems like a good idea - my mum looked scared while I was like this tears streaming down my face but she's seen me worse. I don't see how anorexia can do this to me, it should be the food right? Wrong! Anorexia is due to your emotions, I think if self harm wouldn't have worked my hatred with food would have reared it's ugly head and my spiral may well have started again.
I know this blog probably seems really bad but it's a good thing that I can openly tell people this. This is exactly why I blog publicly as well as privately. I was to some people look healthy (people who know me well know I still need to gain more weight) and I can't possibly still be struggling with my eating disorder but I am. There are days when I wish I could get away without eating anything and dread lunch and tea time but I pull through. Life is complicated and confusing, even more so when you have mental health issues and don't 100% understand your illness yourself!
As you can see by the time I started blogging, sleep isn't the best at the moment! Been up and down all night, so I think I should be off to watch some TV before I get ready to go and do the Going the Extra Mile Kayak for Disability Awareness Day 2011!!
Love
Rach
xxx
Monday, 9 May 2011
May already!?
Monday 9th May 2011
6:35pm
I can't believe it's May already. 5 months in to 2011 is actually really scary!
I've been out of the ED service now for 4 months which already is my longest time out :) and have managed to maintain a healthy weight!
I've waited a long time to be able to go to the gym and the end of last month I was able to actually join! Tom is my "instructor" shall I put it! Which is what I need! I want to be able to do Cardio but also be able to use the weights and actually do things properly.
At the end of last month I was able to get my car, for when I pass my test, which I'm hoping will be soon, took me a while to accept that a manual really wasn't the best idea for me to be driving, so my lessons in an automatic started and already I can feel a difference! 6 two hours lessons have built me up and what driving skills I already head to be able to help me be put in for test!
WDP had their first Young People's Forum. It's been spoken about for a long time apparently and after being to Warrington Disability Forum I realised more how important it was to get young people's voices heard from the people them selves. Meeting the young people was lovely and they all have an enthusiasm to raise awareness on what they know and also learn about other people.
Today I had a meeting in Work with the transition nurse based a CAMHS which went really well and will hopefully lead to more positive work in the future with the team. My experiences are there to be learnt from, and I never want to see a young person have that experience, it was horrible and at times rather traumatic.
St Gregg's asked me to do a talk around the Stamp out Stigma campaign and my involvement with WDP, they couldn't seem to believe how much I've thrown myself into work and raising awareness despite how professionals viewed me at times.
People are so quick to judge of decisions which people make in life, whether it's through protection or the hope that each person has the same views on everything. My journey at times has made me very needy however when you're on a unit you learn how to project yourself and mother other people. I'm may at times seem much younger than I am but I have experienced a lot of things which some adults or people my age have never seen or ever want to see. This is my life and I'm determined to start living for me and not wanting to impress other people all the time.
Got a great few weeks a head and can't wait to live for me :)
Rach
x
6:35pm
I can't believe it's May already. 5 months in to 2011 is actually really scary!
I've been out of the ED service now for 4 months which already is my longest time out :) and have managed to maintain a healthy weight!
I've waited a long time to be able to go to the gym and the end of last month I was able to actually join! Tom is my "instructor" shall I put it! Which is what I need! I want to be able to do Cardio but also be able to use the weights and actually do things properly.
At the end of last month I was able to get my car, for when I pass my test, which I'm hoping will be soon, took me a while to accept that a manual really wasn't the best idea for me to be driving, so my lessons in an automatic started and already I can feel a difference! 6 two hours lessons have built me up and what driving skills I already head to be able to help me be put in for test!
WDP had their first Young People's Forum. It's been spoken about for a long time apparently and after being to Warrington Disability Forum I realised more how important it was to get young people's voices heard from the people them selves. Meeting the young people was lovely and they all have an enthusiasm to raise awareness on what they know and also learn about other people.
Today I had a meeting in Work with the transition nurse based a CAMHS which went really well and will hopefully lead to more positive work in the future with the team. My experiences are there to be learnt from, and I never want to see a young person have that experience, it was horrible and at times rather traumatic.
St Gregg's asked me to do a talk around the Stamp out Stigma campaign and my involvement with WDP, they couldn't seem to believe how much I've thrown myself into work and raising awareness despite how professionals viewed me at times.
People are so quick to judge of decisions which people make in life, whether it's through protection or the hope that each person has the same views on everything. My journey at times has made me very needy however when you're on a unit you learn how to project yourself and mother other people. I'm may at times seem much younger than I am but I have experienced a lot of things which some adults or people my age have never seen or ever want to see. This is my life and I'm determined to start living for me and not wanting to impress other people all the time.
Got a great few weeks a head and can't wait to live for me :)
Rach
x
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