coversations in corridors .....

Tuesday 21st September 2010

4:47pm

*JUST TO LET YOU KNOW THIS BLOG MIGHT BE UPSETTING TO SOME PEOPLE BUT IT'S ONE OF THOSE BLOGS WHICH HAS TO BE DONE IN ORDER TO RAISE AWARENESS AND PROVE WHY THIS IS 'My Journey Back to Life' ......... *

walking round the corridors of sankey, you tune into coversations when key words are mentioned - today the key word which hit me and got me thinking was suicide with young people. whether these yr 11s knew someone young who had tried i do not know or if they had had a lesson talking about it - but they questioned why a 15 yr old would want to end their life if they'd only been alive 'a few years' ... it did get me thinking about my attempts in which i very nearly suceeded.

i'm not afraid of admitting it, i've taken a few but it how your mind works and functions. For me i'd enough of the voices in my head telling what i could and couldn't eat and i was sick of having to have set routines and rely on medication to keep me 'stable' it didn't ... my medication had the massive side effect of causing more depression - nice hey!!

it doesn't matter how long a person has been a live its mental health, the brain is a weird thing and can cause so much damage. I don't really remember the last two attemps i just knew it was something in which i had to do, i couldn't hurt my family and more and i couldn't cope with life - i basically couldn't cope with my anorexia my depression and my explosive moods.

mental health is a scary thing for a lot of people not just to have but many people who don't even suffer from mental health problems are scared of those with it! I'm not a psycho manic killer i'm classed as a vunerable person, like the stamp out stigma campaign says "sticks and stones may break my bones - but words will often hurt me ... " it's true depending on what contexts words are said to me i can take it but when it's used to insult my disability and way of life it bloody hurts.

i didn't ask to have a mental health issue, i didn't tell my brain to become untrustworthy and to make me take a moutain of tablets, to allow the anorexia to try and kill me and seperate me from my family. no matter how hard i tried to fight i was always drawn back, not just within weeks but within days hours of been home and discharged from hospital, it's a crazy life, i don't want to go back there but it's a strange safety net knowing i'm controlling all my food intake, but in the end it's my anorexia which is controlling my intake.

my anorexia led me to take my overdoses, some people are unlucky and get servely bullied but it normally stems from something - debt, family problems etc. the world is scary and so is feeling alone and not having people to talk to about things, i had the most loving people to support me and even then i felt alone and unable to cope properly

i still have anorexia - i'm not recovered i'm in RECOVERY, so when people are like when you were ill i feel like screaming i still am bloody ill i'm just able to control it alot better, i don't want people to think i'm better if i have a freak out and be like but she should be fine etc etc, i don't want to go back to to where i was but i don't want to stay were i am, i have a long way to go and for once i'm using my support properly!!!!

i still have to block out conversations i hear in lessons about weight and diets and i do the same in work, i don't stop people from talking about them i just try very hard not to get involved and mixed up within the world of diets and weight loss, and oooh my friend has lost half a stone within a few weeks, ooh well done to you but to me it sets of the little bells in my head of you need to loose that plus more in a week, i've done it before i will do it again and it pisses me off!!!!!!!!!!

my life is on the up i could write a massive list of people who are helping me to be honest i think they know who they are, even this year a certain family have changed my life completly - i can see a positive out look on life and i'm seeing the things i can do!!!!! - i'm actually able to lie on MY sofa and relax watch the telly without having to get up all the time and keep moving about - so i'm guessing thats given more of a clue to the new family i'm talking about!!!!!!

i know this blog might be hard hitting but this is what this blog is meant to be like!! it's the journey back to life, i'll recall past events and see new positive one appear and finally be able to move on - maybe still reliant on anti depressents to keep me on this even keal but i can live with that, as long as i stay well i would take every type of tablet to keep me well =]

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

facing up to things ...

monday 20th september 2010

6:56pm

walking round asda before with mum i realised how far i had come but still how far i have to go! mum decided that i deserved a 'special' tea as i'd had a down day and night. loads of things have been happening and i feel like things were going out of contol, my life over the summer had been like a dream - for once my life was going well. i had everything i wanted and more ... much more.

a special tea for me was once like a 100 calorie meal, but tonight was one of my favourites - enough calories to feed an army! haha - reminded me of a priory meal to be perfectly honest. things were a stressful and it finally hit a climax last night, with me unable to sleep cope and ended up in an episode of my falling back into a stupid habit!!

i wake up this morning with last night running through my head, more worried about how tom would take the news than anyone else. i'd promised not to SH and to ring him but i could on justify with it being 2am in the morning my head been a total mess and him being asleep getting ready to start uni - at the time it seemed logical, when i spoke to him it was the one thing i wish i'd have done but you never know how people will react to situations especailly a person who you have only been dating nearly two months - i'm not used to people actually trying to understand just a mouthful of abuse and a massive telling off!!

...

this time i was greeted with a small lecture from tom, he was annoyed i don't blame him, i was so upset with myself and went through the conversation i would have with him to his tshirt which is round my pillow - sad yes but it helped but all i could see was the look of his upset that i didn't ring - but he was lovely although i did panic and send omg email to jayne with i've wrecked everything but i was okay eventually, i managed to finish my routine of the day with work by saying bye to jayne =] at first when i first layed eyes on tom it was because i knew he would be in there (no offence jayne) but now i do it because i want to and makes me feel good being able to leave with a bit of banter to get me on the bus home or to endure the journey back to hers with tom's terrible choice in music! hahhaaha!!!! so i had my pep talk with jayne who told me not to worry its an 'education' process for everyone, also me as i'm used to people just taking yes rachael is slightly strange she self harms doesn't eat and is depressing but in work its a concern. i spoke to mum about my night before she had guessed that something was wrong with me but i shrugged it off and said i was fine - i wasnt but as always the anorexic liar came out and the fake stupid smile came out too!! but mum was fine looked at my arm and just looked at me hugged me and said it's not bad but please stop, talk to someone before you result to that. she knows its the last thing i do and one thing which has actually improved and i'm proud i have as its one thing i hate, i can cope with the weight loss/anorexia etc but the S.H i just cant handle.

i looked at facebook before and was actually presented with a smile, i normally dred facebook, but when you see you have made someones year because you have made their son happy =] it really did actually make me smile - but this then led to some really mushy texts but of course the normal abuse will continue i'm sure!!! =p

this blog has taken me sooo long tonight!!! been doing other things do including my b-eat mentoring which is really interesting =]

walking round asda is weird i feel sick i worry that people will think the food i carry is for me and me only or if i'm walking round with a hell of a lot of 'junk food' i am having some sort of binge but i know it's okay - i go on a mission to avoid as many people as possible which is not normal but food shopping is a pain, trying hard not to look at the packaging but i sometimes manage with sweaty hands and looking all scared and timid over a loaf of bread - but it's something i have to do!!!

well i better be off now truthfully but will most probably have more to say sometime this week - something exciting will probably happen in the life of rachael johnston!!!!!!!!!

x x x x x x

hurray jayne has her voice back =]

sunday 19th september 2010

08:05am

wanting to move on is easy, actually doing it is bloody hard!! i should know, i'm there. i'm living it on a daily basis!!

firstly let me congratulate jayne getting her voice back =] it was actually weird listening to her talk properly =] although really freaky especially when you speak to her on the phone scared the hell out of me - poor beany though all your peace and quiet will be gone completly ... you got rid of me for a few days and now jayne has her voice back - singing round the house and shouting to do some housework .... have fun =p x x x x

as i mentioned on a earlier blog i started yr 13 (again) in college on monday, while i'm reflecting on it being monday tomorrow i'm back in the position i was in last sunday - not wanting to go in - for some reason the determination i once had for college has gone - i'm completing it though as if i don't i know i'll kick myself forever for not doing it. It annoyed me a lot then when i first did yr 12 in 2007 there was this big buz of these passes etc to get us round college etc etc we never got them they just were spoken about, but then i turn up to start yr 13 in 2010 and what is there the bloddy lanyards and a temp pass to show that we're a student at BHC. to me this was a massive kick in the face it reminded me that i was STILL a bloody student there, with that it stays in my bag - i do not want a pass anymore and i do not want my bloody horrible picture on it either - i'm not thinking it's because it's like embarrising - i see it more from an anorexic point of view!! i look fat on it and my parents have never seen my college photo so i'm not allowing the rest of sankey to have to 'privilage' to glare at my badge. i've been at that place for 9 yrs if staff dnt know who i am by now then something is seriously wrong!!! i've been spoken about in the staff room with my countless admissions due to my anorexia and also depression - especially the overdoses last year in which very nearly did end my life - this was my intention to end it all i wasn't doing it as a cry for help whatever the press says about young girls and sucidie attempts but i'm GLAD and HAPPY that i didn't succeed, i was in a very dark and horrible place and i'm glad i'm not there anymore as much as i was just a day every few months but i get out of it =]

so wednesday, i waved tom off at the station - it was horrible, i cried as the train left which resulted in a hug from the ticket station man - who had recoginsed me from the paper later on and i was reasurred things would be okay and my 'fella' would be back plus i'd be able to see him - bless him!!! so thats what happened on saturday!!!!! well yesterday!! because friday i was in glasgow with work at an intouch event - sex and disability, with my nice way of putting it across while in the training that everyone is 'gagging' for sex disabled or not the health professional next to me looked less than impressed but i'm 19 and a YA i'm not exactly representing young people if i talk like a 60 yr old - i even agreed that if you want a prostitute that you should be able to have one, after all drugs are illeagal and people still do it!! very professional i know maybe not but i'm young i have my opinion and after all i was asked to be a representation for young people by WDP and DT himself!! atm i think they might be changing their minds with my loud voice taking over the office and being to assertive lol oooh well =] got to be done!!! - like i was saying saturday i got the train to huddersfield met up with the Horton Clan and finally got to see tom - my week was finally worth it and i could actually smell him and not just the tshirt on my pillow hahahaha .... don't ask but i love smells - nice ones not the horrible ones which tom and beanny decide to do while i'm sat with them!!!!!! =p it was such a lovely day though i really enjoyed it, getting out and about instead of my old saturday of sitting in moping about and feeling sorry for myself!!

... we (jayne and me) met some of tom's flatmates who now propably think we're really weird as we cleaned the kitchen!! it was a state and needed doing, so while we were laughed at we cleaned up and prevented those students from getting some weird disease!!!!!

life is getting better, i'm letting more people into my life, i'm starting to trust a few more people who i can eat with but still it takes time and is hard. i'm still terrified of cameras at meal times and i still have foods which i can't bring my self to eat. i'm gettin to where i want to be slowly but surly and for once i have a boyfriend who sees me for me, not as an object. yesterday i appreciated the time i had with tom and i was dying for it not to end, although i could have stayed last night it's his time to settle into uni make more new friends and get to know where he is. basically i trust him more than anyone - i can eat a proper meal with him, eat crappy junk food, fall asleep and just cry when i need to or my head is driving me mad. for once i'm believing i have things to live for - last night with jayne was really nice we had tea and cringed at the X factor commenting on exactly the same things - the lamp shade skirt / the look a likes of JLO and the cute gay bloke off glee and the random outfits people chose to wear and both wondered why someone would let their loved one make a tit of themselves infront of so many people!!!! its madness although i personally believe wdp should go on britains got talent and do the 'thumb dance' from dad day with our groovy picture lols!!!!!!!!

i think i've rambled on enough this morning!!!!!

love n hugs

x x x x x x x

back to college = final year at sankey!

monday 13th september 2010

5:27pm

college today was sligtly strange, going back knowing that in May I would be leaving education for a while to find my life and realise what i actually want to do with it! I know i want to help others but how that is the obsticle. I want a couple of years out to get my head together and concentrate on me for a bit - remember what a lie in feels like and what it's like to go to bed at 3 in the morning and wake up late afternoon - a normal thing to do!!

so college went okay i suppose i stupidly got myself worked up before and had a panic attack, i suppose i was expecting the worse as always but i managed to do 3hrs of lessons without any major problems just a slight strop with stubbs as was annoyed with a certain person, but i lightened up her day apparently and she'd missed me laughing at myself for all my stupid comments, something which the Horton's have been able to take advantage of over the holidays.

when i left college i realised i had something to be proud off, when i was panicing last night i would have normally resorted to S.H i'm not going to lie as at times yes okay i do it but for a month and a bit i've been able to distract myself so tom last night was my distraction until i managed to fall asleep ... bless!!!

after college we went to see tom's nanna (great gran) it was actually hard for me to be honest, when my GG sadly past away the other year it hit me hard, but been able to speak to his nanna was actually lovely, i know she's poorly but just to be able to visit her made me realise how precious visits are to people whether they remember them or not for half an hour we made her smile. when she squeezed my hand i got goosebumps as it felt like my GG's squeeze i just wanted to cry it was so nice been able to be in her company. when we sat in the car on the way home i held my cross remembering my great gran and how much i do actually miss her so i determined to get my ass in gear finish college and get myself a life a proper one without anorexia!

tomorrow i'm in college again it's going to be weird once again but if i want to prove 'professionals' wrong and a few other certain people then i need to complete it without or with as little mistakes as possible - i have for once actually got to much to lose and i refuse to let my mental health issues and small minded people to get in my way to make me not want to carry on with college and to make me feel as though i'm no use to anyone!

i deserve a life and i want to live it .....

x x x x x x x

life moves on ...

thursday 9th september

11:49pm

watching nikki tonight in the big brother house i couldn't help put get emotional, she was so inspirational and i felt as though i was sat there watching myself express how i feel about this illness as she said "i know i've gained weight, i hate it but i know it needs to be done and i'm proud of myself" i've said before i once looked at nikki as one of my idols to carry on not to eat she understood me in a way which no one else ever would, she understood why the thought of having food made me feel repulsed and wanted to scream at everyone so loudly for trying to eat.

it really did move me though watching her get frustrated with the anorexia and not the anorexia getting frustraed at her was exactly how i feel now about mine. more so now since my back has started to play up and once again i missed going to planet blue to help out for wdp, but i know it would have done me no good and i would have ended up collapsing in agony, so i was once listening to my body and realsing that i needed to rest...

so tonight i spent cuddled up with tom while my leg twitched like mad for a bit and we just chatted it was nice, so normal what someone my age should be doing and what i should have been doing for the past few years ive been posessed by this shitty thing!!

nikki mentioned that bb has helped her alot how she described that one life changing experience for being in the house reminded me of what WDP have done for me recently. i eat at a round table and for once i make an effort to socialise ...

for once i like me ...

thank god!!!

xxxxxxx

reality kicking me in the back ... !!!

monday 6th september 2010

8:42pm

at half 9 this morning the reality of my anorexia set in - a few years ago i went for a bone scan and it suggested i was at risk of osteoporosis, over the past few days silently i have been once again suffering with my back so this morning i decided to actually make the doctors appointment and for once face reality and see what this illness has actually done to my body!

i was examined and the doctor to be honest looked shocked at how much pain i was actually in - i was honest with what i could do and the fact that the twiches i was having which i thought was just me been weird was actually something serious and i had to watch!! my back is curved so it was decided that i should go to warrington hospital to be checked out properly - to see if more intensive work will have to be done on my back. i was really hoping that i was moving on and i was winning but i feel like the anorexia has won another round and letting me know its still in the background waiting for me to become vunerable so it can get me!

i do blame myself alot for my back problem i was the one who didn't eat i was the one who straved myself to look skeletal and for my periods to stop for about 3 / 4 years and for my bones to weaken and age quicker. i was always told osteoporosis was a risk to me but i decided not to listen, i refuse to allow this to set me back!! i have so much support behind me who are willing me to get through this which i was reminded of today so many times. i did want to cry but i've got to carry on but watching a doctor write on your notes that their concerned was like watching my life just fall apart the questions running round my head the main one would i be able to carry a baby when i was older? the one thing i'm scared of but i want to be my ambission i have allowed my periods to stay in order for me to have a family and i will have to gain weight obviously while i'm pregnant and it's my worst fear but it would scare me even more if i couldn't - life sucks but anoexia sucks more!!

my day was made better when a booked my first visit to a school to do a talk on disabilities, i'm actually looking forward to it - i get to share my opinions to the age group i want to, the ones who we can educate now while they are old enough and are able to realise how the impact of words will affect how a person feels - i still support the stamp out stigma campaign and even more so when things start to crop up in the media world!!

so i sit here wondering about my future wondering if my anorexia has had actually had the last laugh or if i can stand up and once again take out my sword and fight ...

x x x x x x

realisation ...

sunday 5th september 2010
10:15pm

yesterday was my grannynanny's 100th birthday, those who knew me in yr 10 might remember the break down i had when she died, i couldn't cope, i was already starting on the slipperly slope of anorexia but my great gran was one person i could tell things and not be worried that it would go any further. she was the first person to notice i wasn't 'right' i had lost weight far to quickly for her liking and was becoming withdrawn on the visits which i enjoyed so so much and i think she appreciated the fact that i wanted to go there every week, if i couldn't vist i would ring her and have a gab =]

we always laughed at when she would turn 100, she would recieve her telegram from the queen and we would send it back to the sender as she hated them so much!! so with her 100th looming this week i just wanted to be able to have the telegram hold it in my hand and laugh with her! i got up in the morning cried and sang happy birthday! but for once i was not crying because she wasn't here but because i was taking her advice and fighting, i was starting to become happy again and my mood was starting to get better. i knew why, one word Tom! one family wdp, they had taken me on like i was a 'normal' person what ever normal is, but i like the fact i fit in with the team!! i am fighting to help people and trying my best to help fight the prejudice and discrimiation people with disabilities still face and it drives me mad!! so for once i felt like i was making her proud.

i lasted slightly longer at a family party, although i was panicing by the time i left, lots of people food etc and i just look at it looking like a right idiot!!! oooh well, tom was there so it was nice to be able to leave with him and get ready for our trip to huddersfield today =]

sadly jayne was all poorly sick =[ so i had to be stuck with tom's manly habbits all day and use my womanly eye to make sure that his room was up to scratch and we knew which cleaning equipment he would need! lots of photos on facebook as you've seen, and yes my bathroom pictures are there hahaha i have to take photos of loos, i blame my OCD!!

well this time next week i will be getting ready to go back to college, not wanting to at all - i've actually enjoyed my summer and i'm not wanting yr 13 to start i'm rather happy where i am and cba with all the stresses of college!!!!!!

x x x x x x